the snow and the skin

you are the skin
and i am the snow
my heart a collection of frozen parts
snowflakes that fall
parts that you have chipped away

and they fly and fall with the wind
small and intact
hardened with resolve
but when they land on your skin
they melt at your touch
all the resolve i ever had
gone at your fingertips again

oh

oh what a year is today
almost near a lifetime lived
in 360 days

spring began with the bitter cold
and mists of a 3am morning
found a white rabbit
and fell into a hole chasing him
day in and day out
only one on my mind

summer arrived with the heat
and the sun and promise of something
new, exciting, but not without pain
still i walk on in hopes of something good

as fast as it ever was
summer slid into fall
and my hair fell down as the winds blew
and so did the tears that came with the love

standing in the middle of winter now
and the edge of a new year
which way will the wind carry me
this time?

other side

August 23

heart full of optimism

organized and pretty notebooks

plain pages full of potential 

September 3

almost ready to break down

night after night of endlessness

in the library taking a toll

September 15

sitting, waiting, wishing

weeks of preparation and 16 hours

coming down to one glass prism 

I call a part of mine 

October 1

excitement usually a good thing

coinciding with responsibility

but only if it's worth it

November 9
wake up calls like cold water on my skin
because fairy tales don't exist
and never really have

December 15
standing on the other side
seeing shades of greys and pinks
life is only a balancing act
of wants and needs
desires and reality

and so i ask
when is enough, enough?

never

my heart is only a muscle

not made of steel or glass

contracts and expands with the wind

hurts and loves with time

if anything i've learned this year

is i can't control how it feels 

and some days it will contract and hurt

and other days it will expand and love

all i know is that things worth fighting for

i should never give up on 

defense

climbing up and up
to the top of the world
success
perhaps

but at what cost
of defending
everything you ever stand to lose

the higher you climb
the further you have to fall
and so the stronger you fight
to defend what's yours

the world can take it
too easily away

searching

turning over stones

like the folds in my brain

unraveling the yarns of a scarf

tied too tight around my neck

trying to find the reason

for everything 

old thoughts and perceptions

shattered like shards of glass

and i'm trying to figure this out
growing up, growing old
realizing everything that needs to get done
before the sunsets of another day

where does this leave me
empty handed
a big heart half empty

no one else

woke up this morning
head splitting
and heart beating
tossing and turning through the night
unable to sleep
unable to control
the physical stress of
a life that finally caught up to me

walking at half pace now
through water and a breeze
a dark sky lightened by rainclouds
cold, hungry, and a tired heart
i always knew this was the case
but never truly understood until now
no one else to take care of me
but me

weight

some days

the resolve to let go

is stronger than others 

but then a little bit

small part of you returns

and i fall back in again 

this cycle of take and give

is all too tiring 

chipping away slowly 

and the silence sits

like a weight on my chest

making it all too hard to breathe 

Patience
A curse and a virtue
Strength
To walk away is something I don't have
Love
A big heart that's now half empty
Run
But my feet won't touch the ground
Hope
Because that's what you give me
Little
How I feel when I think of this
Control
Something I lost when I met you
Waiting
All I seem to do these days
Tears
That have our names written on it
Sadness
Like a weight on my lungs

Come bring a smile to this heart again

心话

心中有苦
说不出
眼里有泪
哭不下

找不到我的一部分
心跑到那方向

跑来跑去
还是跑到你身旁
用远里不开

等这你给我及会
远以给你一切
可你的手
我抓不到
你的心
只给我一半

乐了

在我心中
不能没有你
但站冷风里
我乐了
要我等多久
告诉我
不是不愿意等
而是要等多久
跟这你
有笑有哭
但现在
哭比笑
伤心多呢
只想一睡
远走高飞

Scattered

Pictures and memories
Scattered all across the floor
Remnants of the good times
And I stare wistfully into
Once smiling faces

Questions I ask myself everyday
Replaying moments in my mind
Half trying to figure it out
And half of me too tired to care anymore

Of all the ones ever on my mind
Congratulations
Not for breaking everything
But just breaking down a part of me

Exhaustion comes in many forms
Physical mental emotional
And I'm just tired all over
So wake me up tomorrow
And show me what exactly it's come to

2AM

I had so much for you
Can't describe everything I would've given up
If only for your happiness

Consequences of caring too much
Worrying about you and I too often
Even big hearts have a breaking point

But you broke a part of me
Somewhere between the fall
Lost me in the silence of no words

So where does this leave us
Too many nights spent in tears over you
Do I let you play puppeteer
Or do the broken parts
Simply stop

battle

half of this heart
chasing all the things i want
from life
from you

half of this heart
not doing what i should
with my life
with you

always a battle between
what i want
and what i should

so when can i cross the line
so wants and shoulds become one

take it all

woke up this morning

thought about it last night

that anything less than everything 

is nothing

i'm a hunter and

i can't give anything less than 

everything

that's just who i am 

so just take it all 

i'm giving you everything for 

less than everything in return 

just know one day 

i'll wake up again and realize

that this is not enough 

and when that day comes

i'll have to save what's left

and walk away 

might be

this is the first time

everything new and exciting

it's you

some days i sleep

some days i cry

but most days this heart

smiles in spite of it all 

i can be patient

i can pace my attention

i can live my life 

i am stronger than this

might be the first time 

but for all the first times in the world

I'd rather it be this

than anything else out there

find

woke up this morning

and I couldn't find a part of me anymore

faces smiling but only a facade

i miss the way we were

how did i get here

and where do i go now

how do I find that little part of me

and how do i find you again

walls

the walls that enclose our lives
brick and concrete
and i'm starting to see
the beginning of a construction crew
laying the groundwork

how do I make them go away
didn't order for walls between
these two lives i call mine
waiting for a complete breakdown
so we can build something up again

head on the wall

so last night was the last time
last time i swear
the tears shed for a tornado
waiting to touch land from the skies

your words
"a wake up call"
and my thoughts
suddenly collide
because you're always the right one

so it's only time to wake up
from this dream i've been living
and hit my head on the wall
to wake me up from deep sleep

today is the new day
first day of the rest of my life
and walking on my own
well,
it's the only thing that matters now

falling apart

thought i had a grip
thought life was moving on
thought i was running
the right race

but the floor's been pulled
from beneath me and i'm left
floating, falling, plummeting

there's nothing for me to hold onto
except for myself
no one there to catch me
except the emptiness of a cold wind

i'm drowning under th water
burdened under this weight
i'm falling apart
and i don't know how to fix me

drowning

the morning sun appears
and eyes open, groggy
was last night only a dream

just the other day
i wanted off the train
a one way ticket to somewhere
anywhere than here

but i'm not strong enough
and i'm still a passenger on
this roller coaster we call our lives

and my head spins
heart racing and some days
i can't breathe because
these thoughts are drowning me

running

the world is a funny place
and life has a strange sense of humor
last spring all torn up
agony of falling without
someone to catch me

and now i'm still falling
and who will catch me
i don't know
the life i had, the one i knew
flew out the window as
did my sanity, my happiness

i ran all the way around the track
this time
running away from one to another
and finally meeting up with one again
how many laps do I have to go
until i'll just be done with it all?

home

So lost and long
From where I used to be
Only a year ago
Young and running in
A direction I'm not in now

When did life change
When did I take this turn
The moment when
Priorities shuffled around
And the ones I loved
Left them at home

Today finally went back
For just a short visit
Long overdue
But it feels like home again

innocence

close my eyes and i see
a young girl, thirteen
headphones on, walking in the dark
listening to songs of happiness,
lost opportunities and first loves

those songs a soundtrack of my youth
pianos, drums, a guitar solo
wishing to return to that life
for only a moment
when dreams were only fantasies
and i didn't have to live the realities

only seven years beyond from then
but what a life it's been
and some days when i hear those songs again
i wish i could return to
the innocence of that simple life
years and years ago

choices

Fate?
As a series of choices
Actions
Reactions

So where I am now
Completely a result of the 3
What does it say about me
To be here
Waiting
Alone on the steps of a waterfall

The glass always shifting
From half full to
Half empty
And then back again
My life only a chain
Of reactions to
Everyone's actions

And I swallow my soul
Driven by the desire
Of hope and insanity
And again I keep the silence
Inside of me

corner

a small piece to the puzzle
i know
grateful for only being able
to occupy a corner of your mind

the desire for a mutual addiction
washed away in the responsibility
of my everyday
perhaps another time

but not today, not this time
and half the battle is just
keeping you in a corner of my mind
because you threaten to take it all

snapshots

in the spaces of the everyday
there's a part of the puzzle
lost to the wind
but these snapshots of my life
minutes we steal
from the bank of time
I don't remember anything at all
I don't know the day of the week
or the hour at hand
time flows through fingers
like water rushing on

one day

one day my silence will break free
caught the words
on the tip of my tongue again
waiting to wait it out
and hope for a better day

the better day always comes
and happy is my quiet mouth
but the hard ones follow too
and i'm caught in the cycle again
almost tipping
wishing for bravery
and waiting again

lost

lost a little piece of me today
fell through the cracks
hidden under the sheets
and i can't find it anymore

not th way i thought
it would turn out to be
is it a test or is it more
i don't regret a moment

but i lost a part of me today
and i can't find it anywhere
anymore

wilting

i thought i had it all
almost
a heart
success
a new life

but i turn around
and see the mirror
how much of myself
did i lose
or change in the process

happiness is fleeting
a roller coaster of highs
and then sharp drops
gaining so much
but losing parts of me in the process

lost
again

fine lines

past few months
too many have been
pushing the limits of my soul
pushing until i'm
almost breaking down

breaking away from the
person i once was
driving away people i
thought i cared about

this is not how i want to be
but the car is speeding now
too fast and i can't stop it
on a collision course
to something unwanted

but then there's you
pushing the limits of my soul
almost difficult to breathe
and the collision course here
i'm just waiting for the crash now

stolen

day to day

i think of you and smile

little memories of the 

days past

get me through 

the days tomorrow

little moments we steal

a few minutes there

and an hour or so here

stolen from the everyday

and holding onto the memory

is enough

until we steal some more

different

thought of you today
and i smiled a little bit
too often my mind has been turning tricks
distractions flood every cell of my being

maybe it's complicated
maybe it's different
but at the heart and soul of it all
i know

having part of your heart
part of your mind
sharing part of your life
even for just a minute

living the truth of a favorite phrase
"never regret anything
because at one point, it was all
you ever wanted"

some days pass on easier than others
but at the end of it all
tomorrow I could cease to exist
and be thankful to have had
those moments with you

Someone else's life

9am and I'm out the door
Heart falling when I walk away
From you and your sleepy eyes
Doing what needs to be done
But hating every minute of doing it

I've been living out of
Someone else's life
Whenever I'm with you

Days pass on and stretch
Into what feels like months
Fully knowing what I signed up for
But wishing for you everyday

I've been living out of
Someone else's life
Whenever I'm with you

So tonight take me away
From the scheduling and the
Obligations of the everyday
And to watch the peacefulness of your sleep
If only for a moment...

cookie cutter lovers

they are everywhere
under the trees, crossing streets
happiness radiating from their
hands held together in open air

but you and i walk on
fingers brushing, not touching
and my heart skips a beat

we're not cookie cutter lovers
hidden under layers of fabric
in this story we've begun
so we walk on and on

days pass and i sometimes wonder
how we reached this moment
walking miles from each other
but somehow returning to this point

so you and i walk on
fingers brushing, not touching
and my heart skips another beat

we're not cookie cutter lovers
hidden under layers of fabric
in this story we've begun
so we walk on and on

all the old songs

the ones i used to listen
and sing to
of happiness and heartbreak
of love and sadness

always understanding the sad ones
wishing to feel the happy ones
in moments like these
the old songs make sense to me now

silence

don't speak
don't move
just be here with me
in the loudness and the silence

days pass by
and this rat race
tears me apart every moment
of every day

but in the silence
of your strong arms
i feel peace again
and i can handle everything this world
throws against me

happiness

never one to complain
or be content
to get what you want
and everything at the same time
only brings your focus
to what you don't have

but pause for a moment
and think of what you do
remind yourself
that everything you ever wanted,
you have
that the little things you don't have
are irrelevant in this moment
that your happiness
is in this moment
and that's all that matters

breathless

the songs they always sing
of love and happiness
of heartbeats and breathlessness

never understood what they meant
never knew how they captured
the exact feelings into words

but there was yesterday
and the day before then
and the day before that

sitting here now
and listening to those songs
the lyrics are a truth in my life

secrets

i always wondered what
the secret was
to finding another person
with the same feelings
the same intentions
at the same time as me

now on the other side of the fence
i still don't have the secret
all i know is
things happen as they're meant to be
and that's all i ever need

beats

the sun and its 113 degrees
now a breezy chill
and large raindrops

like you and i
orbiting in different paths
everything i ever wanted
back then
i'm getting now

one of these days
our paths will cross again
maybe we'll be on the same beat
this time?

back

for once seems like i have my life back
with so many things
to be thankful for
those who shower love
and support
and those who've been
there from the start
freedom of time again

thought i finally ran free of you
running for another
towards another
but then you call again
and once again i'm dissolving
into a puddle at your feet

pleasantly painful

oh some days I wish it would stop
the agony of waiting
and all those times i fell
adding another bruise to my knees

but some days I know
I wouldn't give this up for anything
rather have this pleasantly painful
than feeling nothing at all

coffee shop

you don't know at all, do you
all that i would do for you
if only you looked down
and gave me a chance

actions speak louder than words
but i feel you can't hear me
what do i need to do
for you to open eyes and see

i'm not the kind of girl
who needs a boy to live
to be the reason for my everything
i can stand on my own two feet
and i can live well on my own
but you're the only one
who i want to take care of me

you are tall and strong
no signs of weakness in your facade
but when all the others fade away
i want to be the one you lean on

i'm not the kind of girl
who needs a boy to live
to be the reason for my everything
i can stand on my own two feet
and i can live well on my own
but you're the only one
who i want to take care of me

so don't turn away
don't give up before it begins
don't leave this hand empty
please

sleepless

always knew this would happen

the inevitable

a thick wall of concrete

impossible to break through

finally realizing the beauty of sleep

to close my eyes

and wish the world away

and leave the problems till daylight

late nights again

sleeplessness again

not only lost in your eyes

but I'm shivering from the cold 

past two weeks

feels like a year

the good times running 

and the bad times crawling 

nothing is forever

the moon wanes 

and beauty fades

flowers bloom and wilt

and the apples end up bruised 

nothing is forever

in this world, this life

nothing will remain the same

but when you call my name

i feel it 

that this love will be the closest

thing to forever 

never knowing what tomorrow

will bring or take from me

knowing at any moment

this all could disappear 

nothing is forever

in this world, this life

nothing will remain the same

but when you call my name

i feel it 

that this love will be the closest

thing to forever

can't guarantee i'll be there always

with you here or there 

but you'll always have a place to rest

in this heart of mine 

expectation

trying not to have any 

because it's only gotten in the way

given me pain and heartache 

wasting my time on waiting

and then something comes along

throws my resolve out the door

and here I go again

walking on the hot coals

for the feeling of hope

I won't fall back into the cycle 

of expectation and heartache again

right ones

seems to be a theme in my life
these past few months
falling hard for the ones I love
and blind to maybe those
I've passed along the way

always chasing after the wrong ones
running too fast to see
the right ones in from of me
and maybe I'm pushing away
one of the right ones

for most, I hold nothing back
give you all my love
all my efforts and all my heart
for few, I play this game
baiting to test how far you'll go

always chasing after the wrong ones

running too fast to see

the right ones in from of me

and maybe I'm pushing away

one of the right ones 

how do I stop this cycle
how do I break free
from chasing ghosts
to holding something real

lasts

something small
something sweet
almost forgot what it is like
for someone to smile
and make my heart
beat

But I turn around
and suddenly it's gone
everything good
rarely lasts
isn't that the way it goes

sunday

almost thought I had it all
there was an issue
but I was coping
there was a bruise
but I was healing

then you walk down the hall
and suddenly life
has run off at 100mph
I wish I could stop chasing
I wish life would chase me
for once

Don't give me your hand
don't make me follow you
don't make me fall
into another hole
don't plant emotions into my heart
because I've been down that path before

waves

waves crash against my heart
and suddenly
you are the sea
and I am the cliff
and you chip away at
the bits and pieces of who I am
the rocks that tumble
signs of my weakness when
it comes to you
I've given too much of
my heart away already
you haven't given me a reason
to stop loving you
but when the waves slow to a calm
I wonder how much
you really care

and I'll try to only
let you make my happiness
but I can't and I won't
let you take my happiness

enough

so the little things

nothing fancy

nothing special 

daily routines 

a little full cart 

jokes and laughs 

here and there

i don't need anything 

without hope or agenda

happiness is in the moment

and for now 

enough 

500 days

day 1

barely registered on my mind

you weren't the one i was looking for

day 34

fun moments, I'll give you that

but nothing breaks through the gates

surrounding another, and only that other 

day 68

fleeting thoughts run through my brain

not enough to make an impression

but certainly brought a smile to my face

day 127

suddenly you're everywhere, anywhere

the first and last one on my mind 

in the songs i hear and the pictures i see

wish i'd paid attention on the very first day

day 204

i try not to think about it

some days it works, most days it doesn't

no past, no future, just the present

days and a few more till life begins again 

not that i should count

but about 300 more days are on the pages

of this book of memories i keep 

fingerprints

every moment leaves you behind
photographs on my wall
memories in my mind
not deep enough to leave a bruise
but i feel it
not visible like a scar
but i see it
the gestures are small
but strong enough to sway

you leave fingerprints on my life

m
a four letter word that tears
into an already fragile soul
i shouldn't have started running again
so soon after the miles of a near past

i
still wish I could make it go away
leave me alone
when sometimes all i want
is for a little sign to bring a smile again

s
situation i didn't pick
emotions i didn't want
fell into my lap and
took over a corner of my mind

s
all a matter of time
of thoughts and supposes
knowing what i shouldn't want
but wanting it anyway

always more than what I should

time

the hour hand doesn't lie
because timing is all it is
like dough that won't rise for the oven
or the tartness of an unripe apricot
the wrong time overrides
everything else that's right
never getting what i want
and occasionally getting what i don't
though everything could be in place
the right timing always eludes

U-turn

routine is a funny thing
to be used to something
someone
jumping from ship to ship now
almost impossible to be on my own
funny how a gesture so small
meaningless, regardless
can cause a day to U-turn
driving down desolate
and up to the good times

this road was dangerous
from the last time I took it
just a little bit cautious
and a little bit wary
but the propogation
of these waves are too strong
pushing against my better judgment
to avoid the deep end of the pool
this time

care

wake up in the morning

and you come to mind

doesn't matter where i am

or where you are

sometimes I wonder

if i'll ever find

someone who cares just as much

if not more

than i do

sometimes i think

i care too much about

too many people

and in the end

will I end up empty handed

from giving too much

love away

17 weeks

it ended in a paper cut
on the surface of my mind
tears over what I wish
I could've done differently
even though I knew
there wasn't anything to change

first late nights and near all-nighters
the beginning of the adventure
didn't realize at the time
but it was here when
i found a home, a family
some place to call my own

i fell in love
with life for the first time
with sleepless nights 
with writing poems
with sitting in the sunlight
with singing, everywhere
with everyone around me
with you

these 17 weeks
gave me moments for a lifetime
but i'm still waiting
for a missing piece
and hoping to find it soon

drive

driven by the potential
all the possibilities
of you and i
we're not together
but you're always in my soul
like a magnet
you draw me in every minute
of every day
to hear your voice
and feel your presence
pains and saddens this
crazy heart of mine

people tell me to let go
and sometimes i know i should
but we've gone too far now
and i don't think i can ever
let your hands go
from mine

sleepless nights spent
in company with the most amazing
and talented people I've ever known
the home called Club Leavey
gray wall prisons that
don't keep track of time ticking away
until its 4AM
and you realize you're almost
on the other side of dawn
learning so much
smuggling food as an art form
in plain sight of library cops
calculating WACC and NPV
from numbers that just seem to appear
slightly OCD over PowerPoint slides
counting pixels and debating colors

camel milk was a legen-dairy idea
LBOs not so much
Nerd Corps could trump the Geek Squad
and Disney should open a factory of making Mileys

so this is where all the real players are
work hard
play harder
30 hours spent with
brilliant people
funny people
amazing people
late night dessert trips
pizza joints our favorite spots
if only i could have a semester's worth
of Friday afternoons

so this is what home feels like

space

hands grab desperately

at the air but i catch

nothing

the sun is out against

a bright blue sky

and i can't think anymore

where you used to be 

is now just empty space

abandoned real estate

until the next home comes along

i need to fill this space

with something

anything

because where you used to be

is a clean white slate

know

know that i lived this time
dipped my toes
into the deep of the pool
and fell in this mess

know that i loved you too
that you were always
on my mind
and in my thoughts

know that for a moment
you were the puppeteer
to this puppet heart
taking control

but today i start a new life
this chapter is over
and it's time to write a new song
and i thank you for
the moments we had

sing

anthemic guitars
and heart-pounding drums
are all i need
to feel the beat
pulsing through my veins

and all i want
is to find an open space
middle of a tall grass field
and fall to my knees
with the music around me

close my eyes
turn my head up to the sky
and sing until
this voice breaks with volume
and i can't breathe in anymore

a simple cathartic request
so easy to imagine
yet so hard to find

i would

i want to give you the time
and the space to figure
it all out

i would wait for you
if i knew you would wait
for me too

but i can't do this
i can't wait for something
i don't even know will ever be

i'm too scared to say the words
but i feel it when i see the little things
and everyone looks like you

tell me now
even a little sign
and i'll wait for you

but time moves on
and i have no choice
but to follow it because standing still
is not what i'm meant to do

surgery

i can feel it spreading
weeks ago
would've brought a warm feeling
to this soul

but now i just
need it to leave me be
overstayed its welcome
it's not a friend anymore

if only i could take a scalpel
and cut these memories
out of my mind
take an eraser
and undo all that i've been through
for you

wake up the next day
and maybe I'll be thankful
for all that I was given
and things will be sane again

UP

roses and chocolates
a life of wealth
a home of luxury
none of that is relevant
i realize

a simple life
full of caring love
building a life
with one person

what i would give
to sweep the floors
and paint the walls
and enjoy the sunshine rain
with you

a simple life
innocently lived
driving over speed bumps as they come
but i'd travel forever
if only with you

math

take the lyrics
add a guitar or two
subtract noise
multiply the bass
add the keys of a piano
and divide by the drum beats
add a violin or a cello for effect
multiplied by the strums of a ukulele

this equation can be simple
but you can take the derivative of the chorus
for the bridge
or write a new one completely
music as a painting
and melodies as paint brushes
but it's the mathematical properties
of this song
that make a perfect equation
for the ears to solve

duet

voices entwined
something simply beautiful
he sings
she replies

simple story
back to the basics
of his thoughts
and her love

looking for someone (you)
to complete this duet
because this melody
is even more beautiful
with two

little things

i don't say the words
too scared, too shy
but i feel them
with every fiber of being

i feel this
when you come to mind
when you appear

i feel this
when everyone looks like you
when you're on my side

i feel you
even for just a minute
fragile in your hugs

i feel this
uncertainty of everything
you do
and everything
i am

cry

people view it as only 
one dimensional
but crying is more than just sadness
or hurt
or pain

to create tearstains on my face
doesn't take much
but i don't cry out of sadness
or hurt
or pain

but rather
for the beauty of heartfelt writing
for heart-wrenching films, truth or fiction
for snapshots of life's miracles
for the experiences i hope to have
for the moments i wish to never end
for the burdens i wish sometimes weren't mine
and for the pure and simple
joy of living

tears don't fall only for the bad times
the good times deserve them too

closed

eyes closed

as i sit in the blue water

sift through grains of sand

the sea floor flowing through my fingers

eyes closed

sun is hot on my shoulders

lips are salty from the ocean 

and a breeze tickling my neck 

eyes closed

and I let the waves push 

and pull me 

without any effort of my own 

eyes closed

breathing in a light and crisp air

as the water runs over

and all around my skin 

eyes closed

heart beating still 

but I still can't

wash away those thoughts of you 

time machine

time machines are real
but only in our minds
close my eyes
and take me back to the moment
where I was happy
and life was simple


moments when you made me smile
when I didn't have to face 
the harsh reality of the next moments
without you in them 


moments of a happy heart
an unburdened mind
when simple things were only that
when stress didn't bring up my fears
and caffeine didn't make me shake


the ability to replay these moments
over and over the theater of my mind
bring a simultaneous joy and sadness
not because I've lived them
but because I'll never live them again 

walk

walking away from this

from you

before it falls apart completely

seems to be the most logical

I can't create you and me

all on my own

I can only be me

and the rest is up to you

feelings of powerlessness

so I give up

and I'll walk on, walk on

until I can find my strength again 

regrets

regret

things I wish I'd done

words I wish I'd spoken

emotions I wish I didn't feel 

regret

chances I wish I'd taken

hands I wish I hadn't held 

moments I wish would last forever

but time rolls on 

for a moment in the water

let the waves bring me in

and pull me out 

moving forward with time

but this retrograde ellipse motion

keeps me from moving on 

until I'm in caught in a cycle 

inability to escape  

stand

it's not the moments I wish I had
or the moments I wish I didn't
I only wish for one thing

for time to stand still
during the best moments of my life
and live them forever

is

love is you
love is seeing your smile
love is the tears that fall
love is the nervous butterflies
love is you in the corner of my eye
love is the upside down priorities
love is the moments we have
love is having your attention
love is watching you work
love is wanting the best for you
love is letting go
love is all this is

warm

sunlight warms my skin
as i wake up to a brand new day
how one week can change on a dime
this is finally my time

the little things
that lift my thoughts
hug my heart
and I stop in my tracks

easy to think about what I don't have
and forget about what I do
but each day passes in the same way
and i have a choice

need a daily reminder
to think of the good
it's not about finding my happiness
but creating it

go on

there's a silencer on my gun
muffling the sound
of the bullet of my words
but the shells don't hit the ground


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on
break my heart


like an ice pick
the thought of you
chips away at this iceberg
until I'm a melted pool


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on


You might drive on
and pass me by
but that's alright
that's okay
you could've had this all


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on
break my heart
break my heart
breakin' my heart everyday

box

today the realization arrived
a moment of sane clarity
this burden no longer as oppressive
as the water against my chest
in this pool of emotions i've been drowning in

hard to believe it's only been
a little over a month since
i jumped into the deep end
dying a little bit everyday
gasping for air through a straw

i put you in a box
a treasure chest
and dropped it in the deep end of the pool
braving waves and oxygen deprivation
to get to where you were

i realize now
the box was a mistake
shouldn't have been this way
can't get those weeks of my life back
but i've cut open the masking tape
and you're no longer in
this empty box in my hands

reboot

mind's been alternating
between sleep and hibernation
doesn't matter if i'm tired
information still being input
Word documents of text
and PowerPoint slides of equations
there's not enough RAM to keep up
need to get a bigger harddrive
for all the data to be stored in here
wish i could restart this mind
fresh start
or if i could shutdown
only for a little while
let this mind rest
and reboot again

dreamlike

can't remember the last time
when a dream was so vivid
so tangible
a relatively short 30 minutes
yet felt like forever in my mind

contentful restful sleep
didn't want to wake up
when reality is nothing like the
feelings in my head
frighteningly in your arms
and you in mine

the brain knows its not real
but it can't erase from my skin
the slightest hint of you

fairy tails

tail: \ˈtāl\:  : the blank space at the bottom of a page


singing and writing

songs of happiness love and 

fairy tale endings 

but they're only songs

where will i begin to find

the beginning 

to my happy ending

fairy tales spin webs 

and clutter reality 

prince charmings don't really exist

clearing out the corners

of this heart

and i sit here once again
waiting for an ending
any ending
to this story i've spun 

moments

like fingertips in the dark
i can't see where this road is going
bare toes gripping to the tightrope
trying to balance it all

all i have
are these snapshots of moments
little tiny minuscule things
replaying over and over
in the projector of my mind

moments of strength
when i decide to let go
when i want to give up
cut out
run away from it all

moments of weakness perhaps
when this heart wavers
because this soul knows
THIS is the road for me

unsure as ever
traveling in circles until
i get back to square 1
moments of bliss
and devastation envelope my soul

only searching for one more moment
one song
one melody
one word
to bring me to my knees

too often

too often have i stayed awake
time slips away like water in my bare hands
and i see the days change
one to another

too often of late
have i seen the other side of dawn
before the daylight
before the clarity
is the fog and the mist of the dark

too often have i stayed awake
for daily obligations unmet
like a cup of water on edge
time is splashing out all around me
and i'm unable to get it back

dim

lights dark and the music
sends vibrations through the walls
can't help but start moving with
voices and the beats
that envelope you and i

can't really see in the
dim and dark shadows of this circular room
but when you're in front of me
i don't dare to look in your eyes
just wanting to be in them only

in the daylight
in real life
was all that an illusion
were you and i simply
under the influence of
the music and the dim lights

waking up in the morning
confused as ever
i know what i felt
but do you?

don't

sitting here and waiting for
something, anything
i don't know anything anymore

you've got a grip on my happiness
like a puppeteer controlling the strings
so i'm begging you to please

don't leave me here like this
give me an answer
any sign
because waiting here in your hands
i don't know how much longer i can last

if only i knew where you stood
i could tell you where i stand
either we walk this together
or part ways now

i would rather know today
than find out much later
so please please let me find what i need
and make the choice
to cut or to run

Untitled #2

spoken from the mouth of a child
unable to imagine anything 
"Worse than the total agony of being in love?" 


sitting here
i feel the truth of those words
in every bone 
and every ventricle
of this heart that beats
steady slowly
quickly
for you 

smile

simple things

didn't know they could affect me

so much as they do 

whenever there's you 

tiny things

when you begin a conversation

when i see your eyes

look into mine as we talk 

minute details

your arm from a side hug

when i hold your interest 

because you always hold mine

my face is frozen into a grin

that i can't wipe off 

because it's you

for why my heart smiles 

dangerous

when i'm alone
this heart hardens
the realist steps in
warning me not to fall
fall all this distance
for something that might not even
be at the end of the road

but when little things happen
when your face reappears somewhere
somehow
this heart has hope
once again aflutter
hopeful
waiting

but at this point
is hope perhaps
the most dangerous thing of all?

faith(ful)

i had the best of intentions
this year was a new year
a new decade
a beginning of the rest of my life

i had it all
my life was under control
making good on my resolutions
faithful to the goals i'd set

but somehow along the way
in the process of chasing my happiness
you appeared
and without any effort on your part
threaten to erase the progress i've made

i don't know how this happened
how i allowed this door to remain ajar
for your presence to catch in the door
faced with this dilemma now

always thought i was strong enough
to chase the right priorities
i had a goal that relied on no one
but myself

and ceding this control to you
losing me, myself, and I
scares me more than words can say
do i have faith in this open door
or do i pull it closed in this moment?

control

when did i hand you the reins
when did i let you
take control of my happiness
of life as i live it

can't walk ten feet
without thinking of
something that catches my mind
and i wish to share it with

i want it back
the focus i had
walking the right path
making the right decisions
but somehow
you're leading me down this
foggy road
and i'm not in control
except for your silhouette
leading me on

stumbling

the pebbles on this road i travel
roll under the soles of my feet
thinking seems to be all i do these days
until i'm walking in circles of thoughts

if something happened to me today
there's so much i haven't done
feelings i haven't talked about
dreams i haven't achieved

each minute vowing to do something
anything to make a difference
for those i care about the most
moons orbiting around the center of my earth

time ticks on
and i sit in silence
every inch of my body paralyzed
unable to voice my thoughts (of you)

this fear of the unknown
shatters my confidence into pieces
i used to be ME
but you've turned me into a bundle of nerves

where do i find the strength
to fix and make me whole again?

heartbeats

i can feel them again
slowly gaining strength and volume
until the pounding in my ears
matches the one in my heart

if only i could see the future
something to reassure me
that this path is the right one to take
a little hint, a spoiler
as to how this might all end

wanting to end this silence
to tell you exactly how these
heartbeats march to this pace
you've set
but fear strangles me from head to toe
and once again
my thoughts remain trapped within my lips

maybe i'm wrong
maybe i don't get to travel this road with you
torn into pieces
between the desire to know
and the fear of saying anything at all

wait

jumped over the bridge

to the other side

the weather in my mind's a little better tonight

stormy, rainy, cloudy at the same time

but i can glimpse the smallest amount of sun 

one day at a time

but i've only got 11 more weeks

where will this pace take me

take us

if anywhere at all 

sitting waiting wishing 

for the end

close my eyes

and wait for tomorrow 

for another week to pass us by

like petals on a rose

for them to fall

one by one 

until we're out of time 

patience

patience is not a virtue of mine
though for all the waiting i've done
i might as well be expert
waiting waiting
for something, someone
to happen to me

in this moment, i feel too close
to the end of waiting
as these days drag on
i've moved closer than i ever have
of knowing myself and knowing you
but all that's left to do
is wait for you

waiting and not knowing
is like a clamp on my lungs
yet would i rather not know,
than accept another bruise
if the answer is not the one i'm waiting for?

clarity

in this hazy mess
i've suddenly found myself
struggling to breathe
the only thing that's keeping me
from collapsing inside

is this clarity i've picked up
a glimpse into the future
understanding more of myself
what i want isn't always
what others can give me
but at least i know now
it's clarity

only been a few days
the first two had me dangling
on the edge of an emotional rollercoaster
today i'm a little calmer
less worried about what you're thinking
a little more at the thought
of losing this potential with you

and this clarity i've picked up

a glimpse into the future

understanding more of myself

knowing what the right reasons are

and this is clarity

would almost give anything 

to see this happy ending

but how do i get there 

swim

in my head
my voice changes with the song
anthemic or heartfelt
sometimes i can feel my heart
contract because the lyrics are
too brutally honest about my life

i can hear the crisp guitar strings
and the ukulele tickle skin 
the deep beat of the drums
reverberating in my ears down to my throat
close my eyes
and feel them dance with each piano key


if this is what swimming in music feels like
i never want to get out of the water

feel

i know what i want to avoid
the stumbling
the rapid heart rate
the inability to move,
much less speak

currently on this path
to test the strengths of my weaknesses
how far do i need to go
until they break

a return to a simpler time
without worry or burden
is just running away from the
right direction of my life

filled with the desire to run
and jump past this feeling
skip this part of the road
take an easier detour off the beaten path

but then again
what is happiness without pain?


*thank you "it stops today" (colbie caillat)

good thing

lets call it a good thing
and stop here before
the road gets dangerous
will falling down the rabbit hole
really end in a wonderland?

what's the price of walking away
barely anything at all
a love that's too big
one can't carry for two

maybe one day
possible to move past this place
or back to this spot
and hope for a better thing

but for now
let's call this a good thing
and leave it be



*thank you "Sort Of" Ingrid Michaelson

battle

want want want
the heart has a laundry list
brash, impulsive
desiring for instant gratification
and nothing less

think think think
the mind as a gatekeeper
calm, rational
thinking of all contingencies
before moving an inch

it is the heart that wants
and the heart that hurts
and the heart that beats
but it is the mind that thinks
and the mind that feels
and the mind that dreams

think it well
feel it sink in
delayed gratification
isn't always as unwanted
as it seems

water

stuck here in the rain
in this drenched limbo
too dissuaded to move
droplets of this storm not strong enough
to wash it all away

the pang has lessened
not so much a hole as it is a crack
in this bulletproof glass heart of mine
only encasing the love that hides beneath
beating ever so constantly

day to day i look out the window
(not) thinking of you
yet not thinking of anyone else either
walking down this road
waiting, willing to get to the end
of this song we play over and over again

almost

sleepless nights, and i'm turning again
skimming the surface of a deep sleep
yet consciously aware of my body
its finally early morning
and for once i feel no fatigue
though last night seems to think i should

the cool crisp air attacks my lungs
as i move around the track
feeling alive
classes don't feel too bad
keeping busy with long afternoons
and endless evenings till the morning

slip into bed once again
when dawn is only 3 hours away
hoping for a deeper night's sleep
physiological reactions to this stress
take over almost everything
until with one breath
its all over

and this first week went by so slowly
yet so quickly at the same time
excessively productive
16 hours in the library and counting
in the midst of it all
i almost forget to think of you