end

this year I've learned
love comes in so many forms
it might not be the one i want
but it doesn't mean it's not given
with all the affection someone has

i've realized cramming only works
for something to be regurgitated
but i've been blessed
to finally find something i enjoy
and spending my time working for it
is hardly work at all

that people pass in and out of our lives
but only those who care, truly stick
that the heart can't help what it feels
no matter how the mind fights it
that words left unsaid
are sometimes better left that way
that i shouldn't worry about others
until i take care of me first
that i love you
and nothing in this moment can change it
that i need to accept the way some things are
or else happiness will only run away
that i have so much to wake up for
and only a little left to be desired

happiness isn't as elusive
as i once thought it was
the ability to make it or break it
is my own and only my own

today is a brand new day
to open my heart and my mind
to walk in the sunshine
to find a love that can be returned
to find peace in who i am

treetops

too often i find myself
gasping for air in this race
falling behind with every step
measured against the ones i run with
but then i see your voice

and we're dancing on treetops
touching the sky
the cold crisp air filling my lungs
feeling the warmth of your hands
before gravity pulls me down again

it doesn't matter what kind
i know it's love
always there, always listening
might not be the same for you
but i would give anything just to

go dancing on the treetops
with you and only you
no one else could ever replace
the spot you've labeled in my mind

i never say this enough or at all
but hopefully I can show it
and i know you won't always be here
but i wouldn't want to keep you from the world
i only hope you'll remember me
and the way you used to take me

dancing on treetops
lifting me up to where the clouds
brush my cheek
this was love i'm thankful for

Lead

standing here waiting
looking at the signs at the fork in the road
wondering if i should go left
or right or straight on this path

too many people
and voices in my head
but all i want is the silence
and only Your voice
whispering where i should go

like a child learning how to walk
i need You to take my hand
and guide me along this way
bring me back to the roads
i once knew

maybe the paths are long and dangerous
yet they all reach the home You built
the amount of thorns in the path
or the puddles i need to jump through
all irrelevant because
You have me in Your hands

always

always the helper
never the helped
when can somebody make me
somebody
i wonder

tired of sitting, waiting
not for lack of trying
tentacles reaching out as always
but never getting a response back

looking in the all the wrong places
or should i be looking at all
isn't that what they all say
"find it when you least expect it"

not asking for too much
not wanting for a lot
but everyone wants the same thing
needing a direction, a sign

for now, only one foot in front of the other
day to day
eyes on building my own happiness
before i search for it elsewhere

not saying that it's easy
it's a road long traveled;
nowhere to go but on

peace

i used to hurt when your name
fell from another's lips
heart used to cringe inside
when i watch you give happiness to someone else
but from where i sit today
i see

a calming breeze blows across my face
as i hear your name again and again
heart at peace in this wide open space
my Earth doesn't orbit around you anymore

an enlightened feeling
doesn't come without the pain
or the bruises of months past
slightly tender to the touch even now
but i'm healing
standing as

a calming breeze blows across my face
as i hear your name over and again
mind at peace and arms open wide
to let go and receive what i can

it might take a little more time
months or days
but i'm on the right path
heart slowly walking away

a calming breeze blows across my face

whispering your name again

but i no longer react in the way i once did

content with what i have

and ready to search for more

than you can give

heal

time is not on my side
but for what it's done for me
i suppose i should be thankful

after months of thunderstorm days
and rainy nights
i can truly see the sun and blue skies

to say i've learned much
is an understatement;
loves come and go but friends are forever

learned that to love someone
without getting love back
is an unselfish kind of love

that just because i care more
doesn't mean you don't care back
even though sometimes it seems that way

time to be thankful for the moments we have
not anguish over the ones we don't
to smile when you bring one to my face
and not to break inside when that's all you gave

today is the day to start
finally living by these words
open hearts, open arms, open mind
stop fighting and feel the peace
for the first time in a long time

value

breatheinbreatheout
need to take things
at face value again
imagination running too far away
for me to catch and hold on
just want one day
happy, cheerful, at peace
rather than a week's worth
of sad, pain, turmoil
breathe in deeply again

breathe out
happy thoughts
looking forward
take my life at face value
focus on anything but that 
find a new love
listen to a new song

let go

tomorrow will be a better day

untitled #1

learned how to love

what is love

what isn't love

from the love i gave

not the love i got back

today

is a brand new day
the day i realized i wished to
be as passionate and steadfast
about my future
as i am about you

not easy as it seems
still struggling against these emotions
i wish i didn't have of you
and of others because
none of you deserve this

can feel the dynamic change
a sudden shift when you leave the room
relief and resignation at the same time
but i've learned
love shouldn't be this way

today i'm getting better
slowly detaching myself from
all the care i put into you
i could push away completely
cut away all that is you
but i can't be so cruel to you
or to me

inhale.exhale.

close my eyes and
try to be at peace with the world
inhale, lungs expanding
exhale, breathing out
maybe tomorrow doesn't look too bad
though today feels like the world is
crashing down on my shoulders
but you're not the only one in this world
no matter how sometimes i feel
you might be
make these thoughts go away
help me return to a state
when this love skimmed the surface
when i could look around and
feel simple joy of this company i'm in
save me from drowning
because its also water i'm inhaling now

ache

always thought i would be strong enough
to be the friend
just the friend
but can't ignore the ache
the little motions and movements
reaching out to you
wishing to tell you the truth
just wondering if you even notice
all the little things i do
and would do
can feel you drifting away
slipping through my fingers like smoke
and i can't call out
and i can't hold onto you
want you to be happy
even though it bruises me inside
its Christmastime
moments of truth and honesty
and all that i should say to you
because don't we deserve some truth in our lives
yet i know another year will pass
another holiday season
mouth still unable to tell you the words
so i wait
as my heart aches a little bit more



*thank you LOVE ACTUALLY

papercut

out of the copier
warm and dusty
paper slides across my palm
turning on edge at the tips of my fingers
cut
such similarity to what you are
warm, smiling, creating happiness
but accidentally on a whim
cut
the very heart of me
you are the papercut 
sliding across my heart

better

in the daylight life doesn't look so bad
as i think of better days
when we both laughed and smiled
without burden
if only i could return
to that simple, happy state of mind
where laughs equated to happiness
and smiles were taken at face value
without the weight of thinking
analyzing every moment, searching for signs
that probably aren't even there
no
finally living the lyrics of my favorite tune
not chasing after you
but chasing the memories
of a place only we knew



*thank you KEANE for "Somewhere Only We Know"

pendulum

the pendulum swings again
and again I fall
heart crying on the inside
inability to move on the outside
the ocean of water that flows between
i can't swim across
just want this to stop
want time to stop, rewind, fast forward
anything but here and now
if crying it all out
would erase your name
i would shout it from the rooftops
but my voice is trapped
in the box i gave you

somehow

thought of you today again
and what you were feeling
if you were thinking of me at all
hating this limbo
but too afraid to ruin something so good

but later on it felt okay
just talking as we always do
making me smile and just
a little bit happier for today

somehow i'm going to make it
someday I'll come to peace
with all that we have
and not all that i want
because even having a little bit of you
is better than nothing at all

rain

every effort you make
to make me smile
hurts this heart a little bit more
sending this mind on a chase
in circles to decipher what this means
to me and to you

like rain on the desert
or water on a parched tongue
watching you is a relief
but always leaves something more to be desired

each step we take
in this unnamed dance
brings me closer
yet takes me farther
from the happiness i seek

hold

time slips away
and so do you
as i try desperately to hold on
to the little moments
we once had

still standing so far away
yet able to watch your face
and i wonder when the time comes
to actually let you go
how i'll survive

you're not the one who always
makes me laugh
but if only you knew
how you hold my attention
how your opinions mean
almost everything

i know it's not healthy
putting my emotions
into one basket that i've given to you
until i can move forward
and find someone new to give
please hold and keep it safe
for me

door

pitch black night sky
around the block i run
trying to clear my mind
looking for a reason
before i face the morning sun

and there you are
ever present
ever there as before
can't make you go away
but i don't want you to stay

always at nighttime
i feel strong, invincible
i can let you go
loosen the string on the kite
and let it fly far off

but there you are
ever present
ever there as before
wanting you to stay
so please don't walk out that door

knowing i have to let you go
unlock you and let you fly
to become the person i know you are
without me at your side

selfishlessness

when i think
about what this means to me
i know
i would rather see you happy
even without me
than sad and stressed
with me

i think i finally understand
to put someone else's
happiness
above my own
because isn't that what love is?

so many times
that old adage
"if you love them, let them go"
has truth
and i see it now
standing afar
yet walking closer
wanting to be part of
your happiness
even if it means
i have to search elsewhere for mine

walk

always on my mind
but i don't want you there
needing to walk away
from this
because not moving
would only torment me more

so how do i walk
away from this all
when there was nothing
there to begin with

should be easy
cut run let go
but i can't
at the same time
i need you still in my life
can't let you go

but let me walk away from
this emotion
return to the way it was
make me stop
push me to walk away
from it all

arms wide

always feel
like i have so much
love to give to everyone
if they would just ask
i would give more and more
as much as they wanted
as much as i could give

but i too want
to be given love in return
arms wide open
to catch someone
for someone to catch me

do anything for you
but would you do the same
would give you all my love
if only to be loved
in return

ask

not your fault
didn't ask to be
this person i watch for
never asked you to be the one
of my reality

i didn't ask you
didn't want you
to be the one i always
look for
when i'm looking around

somedays i wish
you would ask me
what i feel
and why i feel
and listen
and understand

but if you ask
i would tell you
i would give you the world
and yet i know
i can't ask you for the same

why do i

made the decision to let you go
push you away
and out of my mind
in that way

resolve always is stronger
in the nighttime
always thought
resilience was a skill of mine

but in the bright sunlight
or even the grey clouds of rain
during the daytime
out and about
anywhere

why do i
still look for you
in that way?

close

close my eyes
as the song wafts out of the speakers
i am enveloped
in the melody mix
of guitars, drums, pianos

lyrics haunting beautiful
truthful and emotional
vocals anthemic
crying out for someone to hear them
or me

can almost touch the music
swimming in a song
feeling it swirl and turn
all around me
but i can still breathe

music is everywhere
but only the ones that truly matter
remain with us
as witness and soundtrack
to our lives

step away

on the same side of the room
watching the pens
move across my page
and yours
just sitting still in silence

like the changes that have come before
this one too feels a wrench
unscrewing the thoughts in my mind
too early to tell if its a relief
or if its a burden

but i feel like i can breathe again
that there is light
at the end of this tunnel we travel
in the afternoon light i see
you're not for me

yet in the morning gray
i am unsure
do i let you go
like a scarf over the water in the wind
do i hold onto a memory of a feeling
like holding onto scent

i try to stand still
and think of you
in a different way
some days i think it works
but it's still a task of mine

Change

not a big fan of change
when my plans are set
have been set
mindset on a straight line path
going on and on

when the path wobbles
bends or forks
i cry
change is not often
a welcomed visitor

yet last night
i finally let change in
after weeks and days of knocking
knocking down the walls
of my mindset

crashing down
chasing out the fragments
of my shattered plans
tears building up
because change always moves me
without cause for sadness

still not a fan of change
but the morning after is here
and i sit happily with all
that change has brought me
looking down the new path
of this life i travel


and for the first time in a long time
i like what i see

steal my happiness

can't steal happiness
so they sing
sometimes i agree
at least i want to
because if they're right
then my happiness can't be stolen

yet sometimes it feels
like it can be
taken away on a whim
by you or anyone

a simple word
careless conversation
passing glance
fingers reaching into the
purse where i carry my heart
and stealing it away

the biggest patron
and the biggest thief
for one person to have that power
is frightening
ability to change my moods
however unintentionally or slight

to know joy
and pain
simultaneously;
sometimes i wish
my patron and my thief
would deal me neither

music ADD

you turn me into somebody loved
how i wish that were true
but sometimes i feel like a
wallflower, i'm not here, no one sees me
even though i know i can't be seen
i'll keep running ahead of the race, to hope i put a sparkle in your eye
everyday wishing waiting
If only you could see me now
wondering where all the brave ones are
what it's like to feel because
All for love we become, Larger than lifesize, wondersome, Great in the eyes of someone
but can't move on or even move
because
You're the traffic in my head, You're the reason why i'm wrecked
and if i died tomorrow
i want you to know
All I have, All I have, All I have, is yours, And you watch my heart break a little bit more

nothing worse

we once laughed at an old joke
i held onto the memory
by a thread of the thought
we once shared

time passes and people move on
the old joke brings a slight
smile
but not the same response

i know time has passed
you forget what we once shared
though i still hang onto
the memory by a thread

nothing worse
than the rug of our memories
falling apart into threads and strands
until i'm left holding onto one end
of the string that bound us together

death of the joke
and we forget
as the paths of our memories diverge
you traveling far beyond the scope
of where i can go
and i'm left holding onto
the strings of what we once shared

Moonsponge

i am the moon orbiting around you
the sponge soaking up the air
yet always invisible
in your eyeline

i don't want to be here
don't want to be trapped
unable to pull away from your
gravity

knowing that you hardly ever see me
in the way i want you to
knowing i can never be
all i could be for you

trapped!
in this limbo
of pulling away
and being drawn back

i know i'm not for you
understand i don't want to feel like this
i don't want you to make me smile
because that only wrings out the air
in the moonsponge
orbiting in circles

Rip

on opposite sides of the world
in the same room
every moment not spent thinking of you
is a moment saved
for the rest of my life

knowing barely nothing good can come
out of this half-desired, half-despised
feeling
trying to quit like a smoker
but the nicotine patches don't work like they should
when you reappear

the sheet of paper in your hands
used, yet clean
necessary, yet disposable
how important is that sheet in your life
tell me please

when the corners bend
or the surface is wrinkled
i'm resilient, silent, patient
waiting to see
if and
when
the sheet in your hands


rips

forgetting

forgetting who we are
who I am
are we safe
am I happy

there once was a time
passions were my own
that could be elaborated on
for hours
yet today I forget
when was the last time
I felt that passion again

music perhaps
television, certainly
but when was the last time
I felt overconsumed
by something
someone

time to self-audit
ask myself questions
take notes
find myself
before forgetting even more

heartbruised

it's the little things
you say and do
I try to ignore because
it only ends one way

not broken or shattered
you didn't have that chance yet
though I would've given it to you
if you'd just asked

heartbruised
not broken and no tears
just this weight I carry
unwillingly

oblivious, you stand
to the things you do to me
blameless, you are
because its only my heart that feels
this way

you don't know
all I would do for you
but I sit here alone
heartbruised

Chameleon

what's the color of me
when i realize so much of my life
has been spent
conforming
following

what's the difference between
me and the next one
if we're all conforming to please
bending
molding
almost breaking
until we no longer exist purely

i always thought that me was different
but lately i've been wondering
what is me
my thoughts
my likes
my emotions
my passions

unlike oil and water
my likes and their likes
aren't separated
where do they end
and i begin?

crawling.walking.running.

crawling
because there's no room to stand tall
because that's what it takes to get from
point A to point B
on your knees
wanting to step up
limited by the roof over your head
that is apathy

walking
slowly using your strength
strong enough for self support
but not enough to grow
wanting to do everything you can
limited by the speed at which you move
time is pushing you forwards
and your heart pulling you back

running
freedom from chains of before
but limited by the extent of your
passions and ability
being able to finally make a choice
to act or not to act
but the very act of choosing
forces sacrifice and pain
to choose between one and the other
will slow the run
to a walk
then a crawl
with time to reflect


What a difference a day makes, I turned and watched you walk away
I might have been standing on the top of the world
'Cause I might have been wrong

Cleaning

He smiles and laughs
a joke passes between them
teasing over words and syntax
she smiles and laughs
but her heart feeling heavy
beneath the smile sits an emotion
too weak to be voiced
yet too strong to be ignored

she says
how do I say the words
how do I speak my thoughts
when I'm not even sure if its the right thing to do
because I'm cleaning
cleaning
cleaning my heart out
shaking off the dust that remains of
these feelings I'm not even sure are real

days pass and they don't change
the same smiles and laughs
passing on and on and on
sometimes the feelings leave her
but they always return
if not stronger
at least the same

she says
how do I tell you
all of what I really think
all of what I really feel
because when I'm cleaning
cleaning
cleaning my heart out
knowing I need to wash away
all these thoughts of you

Lyricists

Fall
the world is too big to never ask why
a sixteen-hour work week
almost block scheduling of classes
and yet
time is in abundance
suddenly being able to save time for studies
for doing next week's financial statements
remembering how to calculate the z-value
learning the difference between marketing and selling
and slightly tearing up during weekly film sessions
while still finding time to talk and play board games
to watch movies and TV shows
and to make homemade pizza from scratch
the strange paradox that
the busier I am, the more time I have
to enjoy the view from my room
of the yardage they're painting right now
to sing So here I stand fighting what I feel for you
Torn between what reason says and how I really feel
and think about the choice in anyone's words
wondering what this filter of mine is doing to my heart
Do you ever think about me? Do you ever call my name?
work is constant as ever
experiencing the concepts of BUAD 304:
task identity actually IS a motivator
from cleaning to copying to labels to DT forms
the occasional errand and carb Fridays
less nervous when the phone rings (though I'll avoid it if I can)
heart-to-hearts in the copy room
Fall would not be complete without
FOOTBALL
eight hours in the sun and the heat
the v-neck tan on my neck a testament to my second row seats
proximity to the excitement
heart pounding anxiety because we're down in the 4th quarter
cheering and jumping because Barkley, McKnight, and Johnson
come through in the end

Week 4
settled into a routine
still wanting to be more active in student groups on campus
yet for a moment
wondering if it'll be all worth it
of all the things I should do
and asking if they're things that I want to do

Tentacles and Air

August
Keen hearts, open minds, and alarm clocks
New notebooks, pens out in every class
Diligently taking notes, notes, notes
Fearing of papers
Peer edits versions 2 and 3
Alarmed about midterms
Take the double integral please
Fall
Football games in a blur of cardinal
The copy machine at work broke again
but Friday "day for eats" always delivers
Struggling to stay awake in class
Notes becoming worms on paper
Finals arrive and outlines are made
Late night study sessions
Boston cream pie with a Parkside plate
Christmas videos during finals week
Blue books for sale
Winter
Reminiscing of high school with hometown friends
Hanging out for memory's sake
Holiday celebrations
Home feels best
3 weeks pass and new book lists are out
Ordering from eBay and Half.com
Looking forward to a new semester
Spring
Classes are new
Classrooms are old
Now feeling so much more accustomed to the
time it takes to walk from A to B
Struggling to stay awake
but never during evening class
Tuesdays and Thursdays at Parkside
have become a routine
(to be missed without meal plans next semester)
The Expectancy Theory of 304
is a lie;
I expected to fail
but didn't
10 days of Hong Kong
Late nights yet feeling safe
to roam the city at night
With dumplings, chopsticks, hot tea, mochi balls, mangoes
and sometimes Starbucks too
10 days ended too quickly
I look forward to the Batch at work now
and hugs and the copy machine
Someone should recycle all the discarded staples
Suddenly, wishing the year would slow down
Past Week
of Korean BBQ and rice paper
followed by "Disturbia"-esque reckless driving
and the carne-asada-fries-Heart-Attack-in-a-box
and waking up at 7:36 for 8am class
on the diagonal point of campus
spring football scrimmage has come and gone
waiting in Lines and Lines for a name
Now, only 3 weeks remain
of the first year
One of which is class
Two of which are finals

I won't lie; I'm tired.
Of a lot of things
Schoolwork
Homework
Finals prep
Papers
Group projects
But most of all
I'm tired of reaching out
Because few reach back
Like tentacles seeking love in the world
Pull back because they only find
Empty air
Next year perhaps,
the tentacles will find another
who will reach back

Can't Go Back Now (post 200)

Yesterday, when you were young,
Everything you needed done was done for you.
Now you do it on your own
But you find you're all alone,
What can you do?

You and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now.

You know there will be days when you're so tired that you can't take another step,
The night will have no stars and you'll think you've gone as far as you will ever get

But you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
And yeah, yeah, go where you want to go
Be what you want to be,
If you ever turn around, you'll see me.

I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
But in the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take all by yourself

And you and me walk on
Yeah you and me walk on
Cause you can't go back now
Walk on, walk on, walk on
You can't go back now

--The Weepies, "Can't Go Back Now"

*sigh*

There's only 5 weeks of school left, and just when things are getting good, they're almost ending.

Last last week, I spent spring break in Hong Kong, and it was one of the best spring breaks I've ever had. More than the trip itself, the business meetings, the food, and the shopping, I would say the best part was hanging out with some really awesome people I would have probably never gotten to know if it wasn't for this trip. I repeat myself a lot when I say that, but I truly truly mean it. I've always been a sentimentalist kind of person, one who thinks building relationships is more important than a lot of other things, so this trip was like a breath of fresh air.

Just like I wished HK didn't end, in the same way I kind of wish freshman year wasn't ending so quickly. 5 weeks left of classes, and about 2 more for finals, and I'll be done with the first year of college.

There were moments this year when I wish that I'd done things differently, but I'm getting to be in a good place.

Not that I'm superstitious, but according to my zodiac horoscope, 2009 is supposed to be a great year. 3 months in, and I'm starting to agree.

Retrospect

I'm supposed to be doing normal distribution probability.

But I was rereading my blogs from way back when in 2005, and oh my, what a change. The language is definitely different, and to think that I used to be so in love with football ALL the time!! I mean, I'm a fan still, but I used to be more into it than I am now - if that's even possible to ponder.

P(z > 0.5) = 0.1915

Some of my recent posts have been less chipper, less hyper, more serious, more thoughtful. I suppose I've always been like this - just that it grew, expanded, pushed that young, hyper, chipper part of me away.

7 Weeks of school left - and freshman year will be over. This year's gone by so fast! And while I'm looking forward to time passing, I'm also sad to see it slip through my hands.

And because I used to post song lyrics to fit my mood:::: I'm waiting for that day -Today

Today - Joshua Radin

Shoelaces untied
you can dry your eyes
perfect shadows alive
behind us
this is the day i make you mine
way your hair lies
sometimes unrecognized
all the way from these today
on a train
nothing to say if theres still time
but you are the one
i've been wating for today
and here comes the sun that's been baiting on today
lately i've lost my tongue
today you found the sun
oh no not long has grown
well i thank god u came along
you are the one i've been waitng for today
and here comes the sun that's been baiting on today
you looked right through me when there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself
today today
**Guitar Solo**
you are the one i've been waiting for today
and here comes the sun thats been baiting on today

I'm Losing

Everyday, I realize I'm losing.

Time
Sleep
Happiness
Meaning
Money
Life
Love
Grades
Ambition
Dreams

There are things to be happy about, I know. I laugh nearly everyday, I do.

But sometimes the textbooks weigh as heavy as my mind. And I wonder, what it is
exactly I'm winning...

Facebook

Why is that blue-toolbarred website so damn addicting?
The little icon of a house (Home), the "Home", "Profile", "Friends", "Inbox" links, the search bar, the profile picture, the Wall, the "Mutual Friends" box, "Info" "Boxes" and "Notes" tabs...WHY DO WE USE AND LOVE AND ABUSE IT?


I think I know why.


Facebook is the tool through which we get linked to people's lives. And a link from them to ours. People have a desire to be noticed, to be seen, to be heard.

People want witnesses to their lives. What a waste it would be to go unnoticed, unconnected, unheard from. And because we as humans have gone too far past the stage where it was ok to have one, two, ten people as witnesses to our lives, Facebook gives us 457 more witnesses to our small, minuscule, uneventful lives. Facebook allows us to share pictures other people might not otherwise see, tag friends in notes they'd otherwise not read, and write "hellos" on walls of people who we'd otherwise never keep in touch with.

Everyone wants to be seen, to be noticed, to be liked, to be wanted.

Facebook feeds that need.

And that's why we use it - addictingly, obligingly, habitually, daily...

A Healthy Kind of Crazy

I'm motivated to blog a bit more often now, even though it seems as if all of a sudden so many activities are collapsing in on me.

I'm going to be blogging for my trip to Hong Kong, so I suppose it'd be useful for me to get back into the swing of things. If I think about it, I really do miss blogging. I haven't done it properly in ages.

These past few days, it seems as if my life was stuck between fun and function. Either I do the things I'm supposed to - studying, being diligent, going to activities that would further my involvement in school, etc - or I'm wanting to do the things I want to - playing, going to basketball games, overanalyzing my mind, etc. And because the rational being of me always puts responsibility first (I think it also has something to do with my inability to walk in a rain storm without an umbrella. I told myself I would do it. But I just...can't), I'm heading off to a case competition for an article that's due Wednesday instead of the basketball game at 4pm.

Forgoing fun for function - because the opportunity cost of fun is too high at this point.

Yet, all this hecticness and crazyness - I feel stressed, but I feel relieved at the same time.



I also think I'm becoming addicted to bread. I just finished half a loaf of chocolate + cherry bread I bought from the Trojan fresh market.

Stats Study Session

I wouldn’t want to live on the 14th floor. If there’s a fire, you’re dead. Those stairs?
Take the elevator.
What if the fire surrounds the elevator?
You’ve got a couple of hours.
And when the oxygen runs out?
Then you’re fucked.
We’re on the 11th floor right now.
We ARE fucked.
How long does it take to die from a drug overdose?
What kind of drug?
I'd rather die from that than from burning to death.
The quickest way to die?
Getting shot in the head.
If it hits the brain stem, you're gone. No pain.
Well, maybe.
An out of body experience.
WE HAVE A MATH MIDTERM.
What would you do if you knew you were going to die?
Like cancer or AIDs?
Or if someone told you, when you first became self aware, that you were going to die in exactly 8 years.
We don't know for sure when we'll die.
If we did, I would worry about it all the time.
But since we don't, you can't.
True.
You know what would suck even more? Alzheimers. Memory loss.
Like 50 First Dates? Can't make new memories?
That would be horrible. Well, not for the person, but for everyone else around that person.
Life is a collection of memories; without memories, we don't have life.
What is life without memories? Erase your memories, and your world disappears.
Can you remember when you were ever truly happy?
No.
When you were 3?
No, I don't remember.
That's probably when you were happy.
Once you're self aware, you realize the world is so crappy that there's nothing really to truly be happy about.
And when you think that you're happy?
An illusion.
I believe in reincarnation; in a previous life I was a poor person.
Why poor?
Now I'm up in middle class. Maybe next life I'll be richer.
Or life is like a matrix. Once you're dead, you exit from it.
Doesn't that contradict the reincarnation thing?
Yeah, but I'm just saying.
Tomorrow's test is death.
But really, in the larger scope of things, how important is that test? Not very.
In 50 years, are you going to say, hey why did I not get an A on that test? No.
1 million years, whats the world going to be like?
Death. Destruction.
5 million? If the world ends?
I see my grave exploding; obviously I wouldn't be around.
If earth collapsed, my grave would too.
And that would make our lives even more insignificant.
Like, what we do has no impact on how the world will ever be, if it all ends.
I think life is about making an impact on the people around you.
What's wrong with being mediocre? What if mediocre is what I want?
Seriously.
What if I told my parents "What if I want to be just like you?"
They'd *smack*
You know that movie, Revolutionary Road? I wanted to see it because it was about a struggle between mediocrity and greatness.
I think being mediocre is fine.
I hate chasing grades.
In high school, if I'd gotten a B, I would've cried.
I was like that in 9th grade too.
And last semester, I looked at my grades, and I didn't feel anything.
Me neither.
I didn't care anymore. I mean, I kind of did, but the result? It didn't make me cry.
I want to care. But somehow, I just can't.
A is average.
Did you see the youtube video?
No.
"A is average. B is bad. C is crap. D is death. F is fucked"
The grading scale for Asians.
Democracy is overrated. Look at the CA budget crisis. That one guy who voted no? Not because he cared for the state, but it would hurt his chance of reelection.
Bastard.
It's a mess.
You know how in China, its a communism government, but a lot of people in the middle class live in capitalism?
I don't think that would be too bad.
Democracy is great, and I'm sure we take a lot of it for granted, but...
Does the government really affect your day-to-day life, with the freedoms and all of that?
I mean, honestly if you lived a 9-5 job, being mediocre, is it really that bad to live in China?
You have pretty much the same luxuries from capitalism.
I'm not saying communism is all good, but there is a good side.
Sometimes I think it's easier to go through life without questioning things.
China owns 20% of the US.
We should move there when things here start accelerating downhill.
Yeah.
I stopped asking why, like for this math probability? I stopped asking why the equations were like this.
Exactly! Don't ask why, just ACCEPT THAT IT IS SO.
That's kind of like communism.
Is it?
Well, they tell you to accept things and to not question.
But I'm making a choice to accept it.
I'm pro-choice everything.
What's exactly the purpose of our lives right now?
I feel like everyday I get up and go to school to pursue something I don't even know if I want to pursue.
Just working towards something.
Means to an end.
What is the end? Isn't it just death?
We spend more than 20 years of our lives in school.
For what?
I'd rather be working right now.
At least you get paid to work.
We pay to go to school.
So we're working towards death.
That isn't the goal, but it is the end, which is kind of like a goal.
20 years.
1/5th if you live to 100
Less if not.
I don't want to live past a point where I can't do basic functions.
Like in a nursing home?
Yeah. I mean, I'm sure their kids love them and all that, but really? They are a burden.
Nursing homes make me sad.
All the seniors look so lonely and bored, and when their children come to see them, they get a little happier.
But when they leave, its back to salmon colored walls and Jello.
Makes me want to cry.
I don't want to be lonely like that.
I don't want to grow old.
But then you outlive all your friends and family, which I think is worse.
I don't want to die either.
But you don't tangibly remember death. As an event, you won't be able to "think" about it once it is done and relive it.
So there's nothing to be afraid of.
You might remember the process of dying though.
Knowing that you're going to die really soon, but not exactly when.
I wish I knew what my life will be like.
You know how when you go on wikipedia they tell you someone's life story?
So you want to Wikipedia yourself?
Yes. I did this at this age, that at that age, and etc.
I wish I knew too.
But what if what we found out was bad?
We wouldn't want to live, but had to.
Or you could make choices leading away from the bad things.
What if it was predestined that those bad things would happen?
What if you knew but couldn't change it?
The beauty of not knowing means the beauty of not worrying.
If I knew I was going to die, I would do a lot of things that I'm not right now.
Too bounded by responsibility.
What makes you get up in the morning?
Fear of disappointing others.
I hated that how sometimes teachers would say "you're going to do great things!"
And I was scared that I would disappoint them.
What's wrong with being content with mediocre?
What does contentment even mean?
Are we ever content? or happy?

What 2009 Means

With new hope and new resolutions, I began 2009 with optimism, excitement, apprehension, and a twinge of fear. Optimism from the idea of a new beginning as with all new years and excitement at what this particular year would bring and apprehension towards the uncertainty of life suspended between the hands of time. Life really happened this year - with the ending of high school at the moments I wished it wouldn’t and with the beginning of college at the moments I wished it would – it was a good kind of change, but a darker undertow to the happiness and the laughter rose subtly and discreetly.

It seems my life has always been a chase, which is ironic because I absolutely loathe running for all the healthiness and fitness that it represents. But I’ve always been chasing after something: first it was an A in history class, and then it was a 5 on my AP exam, and a decent score on the SAT, along with good students to tutor, a passing grade in Physics, a perfected group project, and getting into shape (though I concluded life was too short to waste on diets), and the goal to end all goals: college. After all, how many years had I spent as a child in piano class, Chinese school, at the library, and buried in “enrichment” workbooks to get to this point? And so, once the high school graduation ceremony was done and over with, once the celebrations abated and diplomas were received, time stopped. College had been achieved – what was there left to chase? Summer and vacations with no assignments and no studying was a novel and welcome feeling. The old burden was removed, yet a new one replaced it. A feeling of lost listlessness replaced the feeling of running in a rat race, and I honestly can’t say that feeling lost is better than feeling stressed. Even when college arrived in a flurry of paper boxes, a red brick wall, Dining Dollars, and football, the burden of stress was only a façade, behind which the feeling of being lost lurked at every corner of my life. College was the dream, and unlike high school, four years of college will end in a question mark. Once high school had been over, it was definite that college was in the future. But once college is over, what would the dream be then? The goals are blurred and fuzzy and vague. There are always the standard dreams: find a job, earn a comfortable living, get married, have children, find “fulfillment” in life, etc. But what exactly do those dreams mean? Because these dreams aren’t defined and because life right now hangs in some kind of twisted balance, I can’t define my purpose. I can’t define what I’ve got to do, what I have to chase, in order to achieve the dream because I don’t know what the dream is. This year past year, I’ve lost the focus and the direction and the order that I so crave in my life.

Next year, I want it all back – the determination, the focus, and the motivation. I want to chase something, anything, again.

But most of all, I want to figure out what exactly it is I’m chasing.