faith(ful)

i had the best of intentions
this year was a new year
a new decade
a beginning of the rest of my life

i had it all
my life was under control
making good on my resolutions
faithful to the goals i'd set

but somehow along the way
in the process of chasing my happiness
you appeared
and without any effort on your part
threaten to erase the progress i've made

i don't know how this happened
how i allowed this door to remain ajar
for your presence to catch in the door
faced with this dilemma now

always thought i was strong enough
to chase the right priorities
i had a goal that relied on no one
but myself

and ceding this control to you
losing me, myself, and I
scares me more than words can say
do i have faith in this open door
or do i pull it closed in this moment?

control

when did i hand you the reins
when did i let you
take control of my happiness
of life as i live it

can't walk ten feet
without thinking of
something that catches my mind
and i wish to share it with

i want it back
the focus i had
walking the right path
making the right decisions
but somehow
you're leading me down this
foggy road
and i'm not in control
except for your silhouette
leading me on

stumbling

the pebbles on this road i travel
roll under the soles of my feet
thinking seems to be all i do these days
until i'm walking in circles of thoughts

if something happened to me today
there's so much i haven't done
feelings i haven't talked about
dreams i haven't achieved

each minute vowing to do something
anything to make a difference
for those i care about the most
moons orbiting around the center of my earth

time ticks on
and i sit in silence
every inch of my body paralyzed
unable to voice my thoughts (of you)

this fear of the unknown
shatters my confidence into pieces
i used to be ME
but you've turned me into a bundle of nerves

where do i find the strength
to fix and make me whole again?

heartbeats

i can feel them again
slowly gaining strength and volume
until the pounding in my ears
matches the one in my heart

if only i could see the future
something to reassure me
that this path is the right one to take
a little hint, a spoiler
as to how this might all end

wanting to end this silence
to tell you exactly how these
heartbeats march to this pace
you've set
but fear strangles me from head to toe
and once again
my thoughts remain trapped within my lips

maybe i'm wrong
maybe i don't get to travel this road with you
torn into pieces
between the desire to know
and the fear of saying anything at all

wait

jumped over the bridge

to the other side

the weather in my mind's a little better tonight

stormy, rainy, cloudy at the same time

but i can glimpse the smallest amount of sun 

one day at a time

but i've only got 11 more weeks

where will this pace take me

take us

if anywhere at all 

sitting waiting wishing 

for the end

close my eyes

and wait for tomorrow 

for another week to pass us by

like petals on a rose

for them to fall

one by one 

until we're out of time 

patience

patience is not a virtue of mine
though for all the waiting i've done
i might as well be expert
waiting waiting
for something, someone
to happen to me

in this moment, i feel too close
to the end of waiting
as these days drag on
i've moved closer than i ever have
of knowing myself and knowing you
but all that's left to do
is wait for you

waiting and not knowing
is like a clamp on my lungs
yet would i rather not know,
than accept another bruise
if the answer is not the one i'm waiting for?

clarity

in this hazy mess
i've suddenly found myself
struggling to breathe
the only thing that's keeping me
from collapsing inside

is this clarity i've picked up
a glimpse into the future
understanding more of myself
what i want isn't always
what others can give me
but at least i know now
it's clarity

only been a few days
the first two had me dangling
on the edge of an emotional rollercoaster
today i'm a little calmer
less worried about what you're thinking
a little more at the thought
of losing this potential with you

and this clarity i've picked up

a glimpse into the future

understanding more of myself

knowing what the right reasons are

and this is clarity

would almost give anything 

to see this happy ending

but how do i get there 

swim

in my head
my voice changes with the song
anthemic or heartfelt
sometimes i can feel my heart
contract because the lyrics are
too brutally honest about my life

i can hear the crisp guitar strings
and the ukulele tickle skin 
the deep beat of the drums
reverberating in my ears down to my throat
close my eyes
and feel them dance with each piano key


if this is what swimming in music feels like
i never want to get out of the water

feel

i know what i want to avoid
the stumbling
the rapid heart rate
the inability to move,
much less speak

currently on this path
to test the strengths of my weaknesses
how far do i need to go
until they break

a return to a simpler time
without worry or burden
is just running away from the
right direction of my life

filled with the desire to run
and jump past this feeling
skip this part of the road
take an easier detour off the beaten path

but then again
what is happiness without pain?


*thank you "it stops today" (colbie caillat)

good thing

lets call it a good thing
and stop here before
the road gets dangerous
will falling down the rabbit hole
really end in a wonderland?

what's the price of walking away
barely anything at all
a love that's too big
one can't carry for two

maybe one day
possible to move past this place
or back to this spot
and hope for a better thing

but for now
let's call this a good thing
and leave it be



*thank you "Sort Of" Ingrid Michaelson

battle

want want want
the heart has a laundry list
brash, impulsive
desiring for instant gratification
and nothing less

think think think
the mind as a gatekeeper
calm, rational
thinking of all contingencies
before moving an inch

it is the heart that wants
and the heart that hurts
and the heart that beats
but it is the mind that thinks
and the mind that feels
and the mind that dreams

think it well
feel it sink in
delayed gratification
isn't always as unwanted
as it seems

water

stuck here in the rain
in this drenched limbo
too dissuaded to move
droplets of this storm not strong enough
to wash it all away

the pang has lessened
not so much a hole as it is a crack
in this bulletproof glass heart of mine
only encasing the love that hides beneath
beating ever so constantly

day to day i look out the window
(not) thinking of you
yet not thinking of anyone else either
walking down this road
waiting, willing to get to the end
of this song we play over and over again

almost

sleepless nights, and i'm turning again
skimming the surface of a deep sleep
yet consciously aware of my body
its finally early morning
and for once i feel no fatigue
though last night seems to think i should

the cool crisp air attacks my lungs
as i move around the track
feeling alive
classes don't feel too bad
keeping busy with long afternoons
and endless evenings till the morning

slip into bed once again
when dawn is only 3 hours away
hoping for a deeper night's sleep
physiological reactions to this stress
take over almost everything
until with one breath
its all over

and this first week went by so slowly
yet so quickly at the same time
excessively productive
16 hours in the library and counting
in the midst of it all
i almost forget to think of you

end

this year I've learned
love comes in so many forms
it might not be the one i want
but it doesn't mean it's not given
with all the affection someone has

i've realized cramming only works
for something to be regurgitated
but i've been blessed
to finally find something i enjoy
and spending my time working for it
is hardly work at all

that people pass in and out of our lives
but only those who care, truly stick
that the heart can't help what it feels
no matter how the mind fights it
that words left unsaid
are sometimes better left that way
that i shouldn't worry about others
until i take care of me first
that i love you
and nothing in this moment can change it
that i need to accept the way some things are
or else happiness will only run away
that i have so much to wake up for
and only a little left to be desired

happiness isn't as elusive
as i once thought it was
the ability to make it or break it
is my own and only my own

today is a brand new day
to open my heart and my mind
to walk in the sunshine
to find a love that can be returned
to find peace in who i am

treetops

too often i find myself
gasping for air in this race
falling behind with every step
measured against the ones i run with
but then i see your voice

and we're dancing on treetops
touching the sky
the cold crisp air filling my lungs
feeling the warmth of your hands
before gravity pulls me down again

it doesn't matter what kind
i know it's love
always there, always listening
might not be the same for you
but i would give anything just to

go dancing on the treetops
with you and only you
no one else could ever replace
the spot you've labeled in my mind

i never say this enough or at all
but hopefully I can show it
and i know you won't always be here
but i wouldn't want to keep you from the world
i only hope you'll remember me
and the way you used to take me

dancing on treetops
lifting me up to where the clouds
brush my cheek
this was love i'm thankful for

Lead

standing here waiting
looking at the signs at the fork in the road
wondering if i should go left
or right or straight on this path

too many people
and voices in my head
but all i want is the silence
and only Your voice
whispering where i should go

like a child learning how to walk
i need You to take my hand
and guide me along this way
bring me back to the roads
i once knew

maybe the paths are long and dangerous
yet they all reach the home You built
the amount of thorns in the path
or the puddles i need to jump through
all irrelevant because
You have me in Your hands

always

always the helper
never the helped
when can somebody make me
somebody
i wonder

tired of sitting, waiting
not for lack of trying
tentacles reaching out as always
but never getting a response back

looking in the all the wrong places
or should i be looking at all
isn't that what they all say
"find it when you least expect it"

not asking for too much
not wanting for a lot
but everyone wants the same thing
needing a direction, a sign

for now, only one foot in front of the other
day to day
eyes on building my own happiness
before i search for it elsewhere

not saying that it's easy
it's a road long traveled;
nowhere to go but on

peace

i used to hurt when your name
fell from another's lips
heart used to cringe inside
when i watch you give happiness to someone else
but from where i sit today
i see

a calming breeze blows across my face
as i hear your name again and again
heart at peace in this wide open space
my Earth doesn't orbit around you anymore

an enlightened feeling
doesn't come without the pain
or the bruises of months past
slightly tender to the touch even now
but i'm healing
standing as

a calming breeze blows across my face
as i hear your name over and again
mind at peace and arms open wide
to let go and receive what i can

it might take a little more time
months or days
but i'm on the right path
heart slowly walking away

a calming breeze blows across my face

whispering your name again

but i no longer react in the way i once did

content with what i have

and ready to search for more

than you can give

heal

time is not on my side
but for what it's done for me
i suppose i should be thankful

after months of thunderstorm days
and rainy nights
i can truly see the sun and blue skies

to say i've learned much
is an understatement;
loves come and go but friends are forever

learned that to love someone
without getting love back
is an unselfish kind of love

that just because i care more
doesn't mean you don't care back
even though sometimes it seems that way

time to be thankful for the moments we have
not anguish over the ones we don't
to smile when you bring one to my face
and not to break inside when that's all you gave

today is the day to start
finally living by these words
open hearts, open arms, open mind
stop fighting and feel the peace
for the first time in a long time

value

breatheinbreatheout
need to take things
at face value again
imagination running too far away
for me to catch and hold on
just want one day
happy, cheerful, at peace
rather than a week's worth
of sad, pain, turmoil
breathe in deeply again

breathe out
happy thoughts
looking forward
take my life at face value
focus on anything but that 
find a new love
listen to a new song

let go

tomorrow will be a better day

untitled #1

learned how to love

what is love

what isn't love

from the love i gave

not the love i got back

today

is a brand new day
the day i realized i wished to
be as passionate and steadfast
about my future
as i am about you

not easy as it seems
still struggling against these emotions
i wish i didn't have of you
and of others because
none of you deserve this

can feel the dynamic change
a sudden shift when you leave the room
relief and resignation at the same time
but i've learned
love shouldn't be this way

today i'm getting better
slowly detaching myself from
all the care i put into you
i could push away completely
cut away all that is you
but i can't be so cruel to you
or to me

inhale.exhale.

close my eyes and
try to be at peace with the world
inhale, lungs expanding
exhale, breathing out
maybe tomorrow doesn't look too bad
though today feels like the world is
crashing down on my shoulders
but you're not the only one in this world
no matter how sometimes i feel
you might be
make these thoughts go away
help me return to a state
when this love skimmed the surface
when i could look around and
feel simple joy of this company i'm in
save me from drowning
because its also water i'm inhaling now

ache

always thought i would be strong enough
to be the friend
just the friend
but can't ignore the ache
the little motions and movements
reaching out to you
wishing to tell you the truth
just wondering if you even notice
all the little things i do
and would do
can feel you drifting away
slipping through my fingers like smoke
and i can't call out
and i can't hold onto you
want you to be happy
even though it bruises me inside
its Christmastime
moments of truth and honesty
and all that i should say to you
because don't we deserve some truth in our lives
yet i know another year will pass
another holiday season
mouth still unable to tell you the words
so i wait
as my heart aches a little bit more



*thank you LOVE ACTUALLY

papercut

out of the copier
warm and dusty
paper slides across my palm
turning on edge at the tips of my fingers
cut
such similarity to what you are
warm, smiling, creating happiness
but accidentally on a whim
cut
the very heart of me
you are the papercut 
sliding across my heart

better

in the daylight life doesn't look so bad
as i think of better days
when we both laughed and smiled
without burden
if only i could return
to that simple, happy state of mind
where laughs equated to happiness
and smiles were taken at face value
without the weight of thinking
analyzing every moment, searching for signs
that probably aren't even there
no
finally living the lyrics of my favorite tune
not chasing after you
but chasing the memories
of a place only we knew



*thank you KEANE for "Somewhere Only We Know"

pendulum

the pendulum swings again
and again I fall
heart crying on the inside
inability to move on the outside
the ocean of water that flows between
i can't swim across
just want this to stop
want time to stop, rewind, fast forward
anything but here and now
if crying it all out
would erase your name
i would shout it from the rooftops
but my voice is trapped
in the box i gave you

somehow

thought of you today again
and what you were feeling
if you were thinking of me at all
hating this limbo
but too afraid to ruin something so good

but later on it felt okay
just talking as we always do
making me smile and just
a little bit happier for today

somehow i'm going to make it
someday I'll come to peace
with all that we have
and not all that i want
because even having a little bit of you
is better than nothing at all

rain

every effort you make
to make me smile
hurts this heart a little bit more
sending this mind on a chase
in circles to decipher what this means
to me and to you

like rain on the desert
or water on a parched tongue
watching you is a relief
but always leaves something more to be desired

each step we take
in this unnamed dance
brings me closer
yet takes me farther
from the happiness i seek

hold

time slips away
and so do you
as i try desperately to hold on
to the little moments
we once had

still standing so far away
yet able to watch your face
and i wonder when the time comes
to actually let you go
how i'll survive

you're not the one who always
makes me laugh
but if only you knew
how you hold my attention
how your opinions mean
almost everything

i know it's not healthy
putting my emotions
into one basket that i've given to you
until i can move forward
and find someone new to give
please hold and keep it safe
for me

door

pitch black night sky
around the block i run
trying to clear my mind
looking for a reason
before i face the morning sun

and there you are
ever present
ever there as before
can't make you go away
but i don't want you to stay

always at nighttime
i feel strong, invincible
i can let you go
loosen the string on the kite
and let it fly far off

but there you are
ever present
ever there as before
wanting you to stay
so please don't walk out that door

knowing i have to let you go
unlock you and let you fly
to become the person i know you are
without me at your side

selfishlessness

when i think
about what this means to me
i know
i would rather see you happy
even without me
than sad and stressed
with me

i think i finally understand
to put someone else's
happiness
above my own
because isn't that what love is?

so many times
that old adage
"if you love them, let them go"
has truth
and i see it now
standing afar
yet walking closer
wanting to be part of
your happiness
even if it means
i have to search elsewhere for mine

walk

always on my mind
but i don't want you there
needing to walk away
from this
because not moving
would only torment me more

so how do i walk
away from this all
when there was nothing
there to begin with

should be easy
cut run let go
but i can't
at the same time
i need you still in my life
can't let you go

but let me walk away from
this emotion
return to the way it was
make me stop
push me to walk away
from it all

arms wide

always feel
like i have so much
love to give to everyone
if they would just ask
i would give more and more
as much as they wanted
as much as i could give

but i too want
to be given love in return
arms wide open
to catch someone
for someone to catch me

do anything for you
but would you do the same
would give you all my love
if only to be loved
in return

ask

not your fault
didn't ask to be
this person i watch for
never asked you to be the one
of my reality

i didn't ask you
didn't want you
to be the one i always
look for
when i'm looking around

somedays i wish
you would ask me
what i feel
and why i feel
and listen
and understand

but if you ask
i would tell you
i would give you the world
and yet i know
i can't ask you for the same

why do i

made the decision to let you go
push you away
and out of my mind
in that way

resolve always is stronger
in the nighttime
always thought
resilience was a skill of mine

but in the bright sunlight
or even the grey clouds of rain
during the daytime
out and about
anywhere

why do i
still look for you
in that way?

close

close my eyes
as the song wafts out of the speakers
i am enveloped
in the melody mix
of guitars, drums, pianos

lyrics haunting beautiful
truthful and emotional
vocals anthemic
crying out for someone to hear them
or me

can almost touch the music
swimming in a song
feeling it swirl and turn
all around me
but i can still breathe

music is everywhere
but only the ones that truly matter
remain with us
as witness and soundtrack
to our lives

step away

on the same side of the room
watching the pens
move across my page
and yours
just sitting still in silence

like the changes that have come before
this one too feels a wrench
unscrewing the thoughts in my mind
too early to tell if its a relief
or if its a burden

but i feel like i can breathe again
that there is light
at the end of this tunnel we travel
in the afternoon light i see
you're not for me

yet in the morning gray
i am unsure
do i let you go
like a scarf over the water in the wind
do i hold onto a memory of a feeling
like holding onto scent

i try to stand still
and think of you
in a different way
some days i think it works
but it's still a task of mine

Change

not a big fan of change
when my plans are set
have been set
mindset on a straight line path
going on and on

when the path wobbles
bends or forks
i cry
change is not often
a welcomed visitor

yet last night
i finally let change in
after weeks and days of knocking
knocking down the walls
of my mindset

crashing down
chasing out the fragments
of my shattered plans
tears building up
because change always moves me
without cause for sadness

still not a fan of change
but the morning after is here
and i sit happily with all
that change has brought me
looking down the new path
of this life i travel


and for the first time in a long time
i like what i see

steal my happiness

can't steal happiness
so they sing
sometimes i agree
at least i want to
because if they're right
then my happiness can't be stolen

yet sometimes it feels
like it can be
taken away on a whim
by you or anyone

a simple word
careless conversation
passing glance
fingers reaching into the
purse where i carry my heart
and stealing it away

the biggest patron
and the biggest thief
for one person to have that power
is frightening
ability to change my moods
however unintentionally or slight

to know joy
and pain
simultaneously;
sometimes i wish
my patron and my thief
would deal me neither

music ADD

you turn me into somebody loved
how i wish that were true
but sometimes i feel like a
wallflower, i'm not here, no one sees me
even though i know i can't be seen
i'll keep running ahead of the race, to hope i put a sparkle in your eye
everyday wishing waiting
If only you could see me now
wondering where all the brave ones are
what it's like to feel because
All for love we become, Larger than lifesize, wondersome, Great in the eyes of someone
but can't move on or even move
because
You're the traffic in my head, You're the reason why i'm wrecked
and if i died tomorrow
i want you to know
All I have, All I have, All I have, is yours, And you watch my heart break a little bit more

nothing worse

we once laughed at an old joke
i held onto the memory
by a thread of the thought
we once shared

time passes and people move on
the old joke brings a slight
smile
but not the same response

i know time has passed
you forget what we once shared
though i still hang onto
the memory by a thread

nothing worse
than the rug of our memories
falling apart into threads and strands
until i'm left holding onto one end
of the string that bound us together

death of the joke
and we forget
as the paths of our memories diverge
you traveling far beyond the scope
of where i can go
and i'm left holding onto
the strings of what we once shared

Moonsponge

i am the moon orbiting around you
the sponge soaking up the air
yet always invisible
in your eyeline

i don't want to be here
don't want to be trapped
unable to pull away from your
gravity

knowing that you hardly ever see me
in the way i want you to
knowing i can never be
all i could be for you

trapped!
in this limbo
of pulling away
and being drawn back

i know i'm not for you
understand i don't want to feel like this
i don't want you to make me smile
because that only wrings out the air
in the moonsponge
orbiting in circles

Rip

on opposite sides of the world
in the same room
every moment not spent thinking of you
is a moment saved
for the rest of my life

knowing barely nothing good can come
out of this half-desired, half-despised
feeling
trying to quit like a smoker
but the nicotine patches don't work like they should
when you reappear

the sheet of paper in your hands
used, yet clean
necessary, yet disposable
how important is that sheet in your life
tell me please

when the corners bend
or the surface is wrinkled
i'm resilient, silent, patient
waiting to see
if and
when
the sheet in your hands


rips

forgetting

forgetting who we are
who I am
are we safe
am I happy

there once was a time
passions were my own
that could be elaborated on
for hours
yet today I forget
when was the last time
I felt that passion again

music perhaps
television, certainly
but when was the last time
I felt overconsumed
by something
someone

time to self-audit
ask myself questions
take notes
find myself
before forgetting even more

heartbruised

it's the little things
you say and do
I try to ignore because
it only ends one way

not broken or shattered
you didn't have that chance yet
though I would've given it to you
if you'd just asked

heartbruised
not broken and no tears
just this weight I carry
unwillingly

oblivious, you stand
to the things you do to me
blameless, you are
because its only my heart that feels
this way

you don't know
all I would do for you
but I sit here alone
heartbruised

Chameleon

what's the color of me
when i realize so much of my life
has been spent
conforming
following

what's the difference between
me and the next one
if we're all conforming to please
bending
molding
almost breaking
until we no longer exist purely

i always thought that me was different
but lately i've been wondering
what is me
my thoughts
my likes
my emotions
my passions

unlike oil and water
my likes and their likes
aren't separated
where do they end
and i begin?

crawling.walking.running.

crawling
because there's no room to stand tall
because that's what it takes to get from
point A to point B
on your knees
wanting to step up
limited by the roof over your head
that is apathy

walking
slowly using your strength
strong enough for self support
but not enough to grow
wanting to do everything you can
limited by the speed at which you move
time is pushing you forwards
and your heart pulling you back

running
freedom from chains of before
but limited by the extent of your
passions and ability
being able to finally make a choice
to act or not to act
but the very act of choosing
forces sacrifice and pain
to choose between one and the other
will slow the run
to a walk
then a crawl
with time to reflect


What a difference a day makes, I turned and watched you walk away
I might have been standing on the top of the world
'Cause I might have been wrong

Cleaning

He smiles and laughs
a joke passes between them
teasing over words and syntax
she smiles and laughs
but her heart feeling heavy
beneath the smile sits an emotion
too weak to be voiced
yet too strong to be ignored

she says
how do I say the words
how do I speak my thoughts
when I'm not even sure if its the right thing to do
because I'm cleaning
cleaning
cleaning my heart out
shaking off the dust that remains of
these feelings I'm not even sure are real

days pass and they don't change
the same smiles and laughs
passing on and on and on
sometimes the feelings leave her
but they always return
if not stronger
at least the same

she says
how do I tell you
all of what I really think
all of what I really feel
because when I'm cleaning
cleaning
cleaning my heart out
knowing I need to wash away
all these thoughts of you

Lyricists

Fall
the world is too big to never ask why
a sixteen-hour work week
almost block scheduling of classes
and yet
time is in abundance
suddenly being able to save time for studies
for doing next week's financial statements
remembering how to calculate the z-value
learning the difference between marketing and selling
and slightly tearing up during weekly film sessions
while still finding time to talk and play board games
to watch movies and TV shows
and to make homemade pizza from scratch
the strange paradox that
the busier I am, the more time I have
to enjoy the view from my room
of the yardage they're painting right now
to sing So here I stand fighting what I feel for you
Torn between what reason says and how I really feel
and think about the choice in anyone's words
wondering what this filter of mine is doing to my heart
Do you ever think about me? Do you ever call my name?
work is constant as ever
experiencing the concepts of BUAD 304:
task identity actually IS a motivator
from cleaning to copying to labels to DT forms
the occasional errand and carb Fridays
less nervous when the phone rings (though I'll avoid it if I can)
heart-to-hearts in the copy room
Fall would not be complete without
FOOTBALL
eight hours in the sun and the heat
the v-neck tan on my neck a testament to my second row seats
proximity to the excitement
heart pounding anxiety because we're down in the 4th quarter
cheering and jumping because Barkley, McKnight, and Johnson
come through in the end

Week 4
settled into a routine
still wanting to be more active in student groups on campus
yet for a moment
wondering if it'll be all worth it
of all the things I should do
and asking if they're things that I want to do