is

love is you
love is seeing your smile
love is the tears that fall
love is the nervous butterflies
love is you in the corner of my eye
love is the upside down priorities
love is the moments we have
love is having your attention
love is watching you work
love is wanting the best for you
love is letting go
love is all this is

warm

sunlight warms my skin
as i wake up to a brand new day
how one week can change on a dime
this is finally my time

the little things
that lift my thoughts
hug my heart
and I stop in my tracks

easy to think about what I don't have
and forget about what I do
but each day passes in the same way
and i have a choice

need a daily reminder
to think of the good
it's not about finding my happiness
but creating it

go on

there's a silencer on my gun
muffling the sound
of the bullet of my words
but the shells don't hit the ground


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on
break my heart


like an ice pick
the thought of you
chips away at this iceberg
until I'm a melted pool


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on


You might drive on
and pass me by
but that's alright
that's okay
you could've had this all


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on
break my heart
break my heart
breakin' my heart everyday

box

today the realization arrived
a moment of sane clarity
this burden no longer as oppressive
as the water against my chest
in this pool of emotions i've been drowning in

hard to believe it's only been
a little over a month since
i jumped into the deep end
dying a little bit everyday
gasping for air through a straw

i put you in a box
a treasure chest
and dropped it in the deep end of the pool
braving waves and oxygen deprivation
to get to where you were

i realize now
the box was a mistake
shouldn't have been this way
can't get those weeks of my life back
but i've cut open the masking tape
and you're no longer in
this empty box in my hands

reboot

mind's been alternating
between sleep and hibernation
doesn't matter if i'm tired
information still being input
Word documents of text
and PowerPoint slides of equations
there's not enough RAM to keep up
need to get a bigger harddrive
for all the data to be stored in here
wish i could restart this mind
fresh start
or if i could shutdown
only for a little while
let this mind rest
and reboot again

dreamlike

can't remember the last time
when a dream was so vivid
so tangible
a relatively short 30 minutes
yet felt like forever in my mind

contentful restful sleep
didn't want to wake up
when reality is nothing like the
feelings in my head
frighteningly in your arms
and you in mine

the brain knows its not real
but it can't erase from my skin
the slightest hint of you

fairy tails

tail: \ˈtāl\:  : the blank space at the bottom of a page


singing and writing

songs of happiness love and 

fairy tale endings 

but they're only songs

where will i begin to find

the beginning 

to my happy ending

fairy tales spin webs 

and clutter reality 

prince charmings don't really exist

clearing out the corners

of this heart

and i sit here once again
waiting for an ending
any ending
to this story i've spun 

moments

like fingertips in the dark
i can't see where this road is going
bare toes gripping to the tightrope
trying to balance it all

all i have
are these snapshots of moments
little tiny minuscule things
replaying over and over
in the projector of my mind

moments of strength
when i decide to let go
when i want to give up
cut out
run away from it all

moments of weakness perhaps
when this heart wavers
because this soul knows
THIS is the road for me

unsure as ever
traveling in circles until
i get back to square 1
moments of bliss
and devastation envelope my soul

only searching for one more moment
one song
one melody
one word
to bring me to my knees

too often

too often have i stayed awake
time slips away like water in my bare hands
and i see the days change
one to another

too often of late
have i seen the other side of dawn
before the daylight
before the clarity
is the fog and the mist of the dark

too often have i stayed awake
for daily obligations unmet
like a cup of water on edge
time is splashing out all around me
and i'm unable to get it back

dim

lights dark and the music
sends vibrations through the walls
can't help but start moving with
voices and the beats
that envelope you and i

can't really see in the
dim and dark shadows of this circular room
but when you're in front of me
i don't dare to look in your eyes
just wanting to be in them only

in the daylight
in real life
was all that an illusion
were you and i simply
under the influence of
the music and the dim lights

waking up in the morning
confused as ever
i know what i felt
but do you?

don't

sitting here and waiting for
something, anything
i don't know anything anymore

you've got a grip on my happiness
like a puppeteer controlling the strings
so i'm begging you to please

don't leave me here like this
give me an answer
any sign
because waiting here in your hands
i don't know how much longer i can last

if only i knew where you stood
i could tell you where i stand
either we walk this together
or part ways now

i would rather know today
than find out much later
so please please let me find what i need
and make the choice
to cut or to run

Untitled #2

spoken from the mouth of a child
unable to imagine anything 
"Worse than the total agony of being in love?" 


sitting here
i feel the truth of those words
in every bone 
and every ventricle
of this heart that beats
steady slowly
quickly
for you 

smile

simple things

didn't know they could affect me

so much as they do 

whenever there's you 

tiny things

when you begin a conversation

when i see your eyes

look into mine as we talk 

minute details

your arm from a side hug

when i hold your interest 

because you always hold mine

my face is frozen into a grin

that i can't wipe off 

because it's you

for why my heart smiles 

dangerous

when i'm alone
this heart hardens
the realist steps in
warning me not to fall
fall all this distance
for something that might not even
be at the end of the road

but when little things happen
when your face reappears somewhere
somehow
this heart has hope
once again aflutter
hopeful
waiting

but at this point
is hope perhaps
the most dangerous thing of all?

faith(ful)

i had the best of intentions
this year was a new year
a new decade
a beginning of the rest of my life

i had it all
my life was under control
making good on my resolutions
faithful to the goals i'd set

but somehow along the way
in the process of chasing my happiness
you appeared
and without any effort on your part
threaten to erase the progress i've made

i don't know how this happened
how i allowed this door to remain ajar
for your presence to catch in the door
faced with this dilemma now

always thought i was strong enough
to chase the right priorities
i had a goal that relied on no one
but myself

and ceding this control to you
losing me, myself, and I
scares me more than words can say
do i have faith in this open door
or do i pull it closed in this moment?

control

when did i hand you the reins
when did i let you
take control of my happiness
of life as i live it

can't walk ten feet
without thinking of
something that catches my mind
and i wish to share it with

i want it back
the focus i had
walking the right path
making the right decisions
but somehow
you're leading me down this
foggy road
and i'm not in control
except for your silhouette
leading me on

stumbling

the pebbles on this road i travel
roll under the soles of my feet
thinking seems to be all i do these days
until i'm walking in circles of thoughts

if something happened to me today
there's so much i haven't done
feelings i haven't talked about
dreams i haven't achieved

each minute vowing to do something
anything to make a difference
for those i care about the most
moons orbiting around the center of my earth

time ticks on
and i sit in silence
every inch of my body paralyzed
unable to voice my thoughts (of you)

this fear of the unknown
shatters my confidence into pieces
i used to be ME
but you've turned me into a bundle of nerves

where do i find the strength
to fix and make me whole again?

heartbeats

i can feel them again
slowly gaining strength and volume
until the pounding in my ears
matches the one in my heart

if only i could see the future
something to reassure me
that this path is the right one to take
a little hint, a spoiler
as to how this might all end

wanting to end this silence
to tell you exactly how these
heartbeats march to this pace
you've set
but fear strangles me from head to toe
and once again
my thoughts remain trapped within my lips

maybe i'm wrong
maybe i don't get to travel this road with you
torn into pieces
between the desire to know
and the fear of saying anything at all

wait

jumped over the bridge

to the other side

the weather in my mind's a little better tonight

stormy, rainy, cloudy at the same time

but i can glimpse the smallest amount of sun 

one day at a time

but i've only got 11 more weeks

where will this pace take me

take us

if anywhere at all 

sitting waiting wishing 

for the end

close my eyes

and wait for tomorrow 

for another week to pass us by

like petals on a rose

for them to fall

one by one 

until we're out of time 

patience

patience is not a virtue of mine
though for all the waiting i've done
i might as well be expert
waiting waiting
for something, someone
to happen to me

in this moment, i feel too close
to the end of waiting
as these days drag on
i've moved closer than i ever have
of knowing myself and knowing you
but all that's left to do
is wait for you

waiting and not knowing
is like a clamp on my lungs
yet would i rather not know,
than accept another bruise
if the answer is not the one i'm waiting for?

clarity

in this hazy mess
i've suddenly found myself
struggling to breathe
the only thing that's keeping me
from collapsing inside

is this clarity i've picked up
a glimpse into the future
understanding more of myself
what i want isn't always
what others can give me
but at least i know now
it's clarity

only been a few days
the first two had me dangling
on the edge of an emotional rollercoaster
today i'm a little calmer
less worried about what you're thinking
a little more at the thought
of losing this potential with you

and this clarity i've picked up

a glimpse into the future

understanding more of myself

knowing what the right reasons are

and this is clarity

would almost give anything 

to see this happy ending

but how do i get there 

swim

in my head
my voice changes with the song
anthemic or heartfelt
sometimes i can feel my heart
contract because the lyrics are
too brutally honest about my life

i can hear the crisp guitar strings
and the ukulele tickle skin 
the deep beat of the drums
reverberating in my ears down to my throat
close my eyes
and feel them dance with each piano key


if this is what swimming in music feels like
i never want to get out of the water

feel

i know what i want to avoid
the stumbling
the rapid heart rate
the inability to move,
much less speak

currently on this path
to test the strengths of my weaknesses
how far do i need to go
until they break

a return to a simpler time
without worry or burden
is just running away from the
right direction of my life

filled with the desire to run
and jump past this feeling
skip this part of the road
take an easier detour off the beaten path

but then again
what is happiness without pain?


*thank you "it stops today" (colbie caillat)

good thing

lets call it a good thing
and stop here before
the road gets dangerous
will falling down the rabbit hole
really end in a wonderland?

what's the price of walking away
barely anything at all
a love that's too big
one can't carry for two

maybe one day
possible to move past this place
or back to this spot
and hope for a better thing

but for now
let's call this a good thing
and leave it be



*thank you "Sort Of" Ingrid Michaelson

battle

want want want
the heart has a laundry list
brash, impulsive
desiring for instant gratification
and nothing less

think think think
the mind as a gatekeeper
calm, rational
thinking of all contingencies
before moving an inch

it is the heart that wants
and the heart that hurts
and the heart that beats
but it is the mind that thinks
and the mind that feels
and the mind that dreams

think it well
feel it sink in
delayed gratification
isn't always as unwanted
as it seems

water

stuck here in the rain
in this drenched limbo
too dissuaded to move
droplets of this storm not strong enough
to wash it all away

the pang has lessened
not so much a hole as it is a crack
in this bulletproof glass heart of mine
only encasing the love that hides beneath
beating ever so constantly

day to day i look out the window
(not) thinking of you
yet not thinking of anyone else either
walking down this road
waiting, willing to get to the end
of this song we play over and over again

almost

sleepless nights, and i'm turning again
skimming the surface of a deep sleep
yet consciously aware of my body
its finally early morning
and for once i feel no fatigue
though last night seems to think i should

the cool crisp air attacks my lungs
as i move around the track
feeling alive
classes don't feel too bad
keeping busy with long afternoons
and endless evenings till the morning

slip into bed once again
when dawn is only 3 hours away
hoping for a deeper night's sleep
physiological reactions to this stress
take over almost everything
until with one breath
its all over

and this first week went by so slowly
yet so quickly at the same time
excessively productive
16 hours in the library and counting
in the midst of it all
i almost forget to think of you

end

this year I've learned
love comes in so many forms
it might not be the one i want
but it doesn't mean it's not given
with all the affection someone has

i've realized cramming only works
for something to be regurgitated
but i've been blessed
to finally find something i enjoy
and spending my time working for it
is hardly work at all

that people pass in and out of our lives
but only those who care, truly stick
that the heart can't help what it feels
no matter how the mind fights it
that words left unsaid
are sometimes better left that way
that i shouldn't worry about others
until i take care of me first
that i love you
and nothing in this moment can change it
that i need to accept the way some things are
or else happiness will only run away
that i have so much to wake up for
and only a little left to be desired

happiness isn't as elusive
as i once thought it was
the ability to make it or break it
is my own and only my own

today is a brand new day
to open my heart and my mind
to walk in the sunshine
to find a love that can be returned
to find peace in who i am

treetops

too often i find myself
gasping for air in this race
falling behind with every step
measured against the ones i run with
but then i see your voice

and we're dancing on treetops
touching the sky
the cold crisp air filling my lungs
feeling the warmth of your hands
before gravity pulls me down again

it doesn't matter what kind
i know it's love
always there, always listening
might not be the same for you
but i would give anything just to

go dancing on the treetops
with you and only you
no one else could ever replace
the spot you've labeled in my mind

i never say this enough or at all
but hopefully I can show it
and i know you won't always be here
but i wouldn't want to keep you from the world
i only hope you'll remember me
and the way you used to take me

dancing on treetops
lifting me up to where the clouds
brush my cheek
this was love i'm thankful for

Lead

standing here waiting
looking at the signs at the fork in the road
wondering if i should go left
or right or straight on this path

too many people
and voices in my head
but all i want is the silence
and only Your voice
whispering where i should go

like a child learning how to walk
i need You to take my hand
and guide me along this way
bring me back to the roads
i once knew

maybe the paths are long and dangerous
yet they all reach the home You built
the amount of thorns in the path
or the puddles i need to jump through
all irrelevant because
You have me in Your hands

always

always the helper
never the helped
when can somebody make me
somebody
i wonder

tired of sitting, waiting
not for lack of trying
tentacles reaching out as always
but never getting a response back

looking in the all the wrong places
or should i be looking at all
isn't that what they all say
"find it when you least expect it"

not asking for too much
not wanting for a lot
but everyone wants the same thing
needing a direction, a sign

for now, only one foot in front of the other
day to day
eyes on building my own happiness
before i search for it elsewhere

not saying that it's easy
it's a road long traveled;
nowhere to go but on

peace

i used to hurt when your name
fell from another's lips
heart used to cringe inside
when i watch you give happiness to someone else
but from where i sit today
i see

a calming breeze blows across my face
as i hear your name again and again
heart at peace in this wide open space
my Earth doesn't orbit around you anymore

an enlightened feeling
doesn't come without the pain
or the bruises of months past
slightly tender to the touch even now
but i'm healing
standing as

a calming breeze blows across my face
as i hear your name over and again
mind at peace and arms open wide
to let go and receive what i can

it might take a little more time
months or days
but i'm on the right path
heart slowly walking away

a calming breeze blows across my face

whispering your name again

but i no longer react in the way i once did

content with what i have

and ready to search for more

than you can give

heal

time is not on my side
but for what it's done for me
i suppose i should be thankful

after months of thunderstorm days
and rainy nights
i can truly see the sun and blue skies

to say i've learned much
is an understatement;
loves come and go but friends are forever

learned that to love someone
without getting love back
is an unselfish kind of love

that just because i care more
doesn't mean you don't care back
even though sometimes it seems that way

time to be thankful for the moments we have
not anguish over the ones we don't
to smile when you bring one to my face
and not to break inside when that's all you gave

today is the day to start
finally living by these words
open hearts, open arms, open mind
stop fighting and feel the peace
for the first time in a long time

value

breatheinbreatheout
need to take things
at face value again
imagination running too far away
for me to catch and hold on
just want one day
happy, cheerful, at peace
rather than a week's worth
of sad, pain, turmoil
breathe in deeply again

breathe out
happy thoughts
looking forward
take my life at face value
focus on anything but that 
find a new love
listen to a new song

let go

tomorrow will be a better day

untitled #1

learned how to love

what is love

what isn't love

from the love i gave

not the love i got back

today

is a brand new day
the day i realized i wished to
be as passionate and steadfast
about my future
as i am about you

not easy as it seems
still struggling against these emotions
i wish i didn't have of you
and of others because
none of you deserve this

can feel the dynamic change
a sudden shift when you leave the room
relief and resignation at the same time
but i've learned
love shouldn't be this way

today i'm getting better
slowly detaching myself from
all the care i put into you
i could push away completely
cut away all that is you
but i can't be so cruel to you
or to me

inhale.exhale.

close my eyes and
try to be at peace with the world
inhale, lungs expanding
exhale, breathing out
maybe tomorrow doesn't look too bad
though today feels like the world is
crashing down on my shoulders
but you're not the only one in this world
no matter how sometimes i feel
you might be
make these thoughts go away
help me return to a state
when this love skimmed the surface
when i could look around and
feel simple joy of this company i'm in
save me from drowning
because its also water i'm inhaling now

ache

always thought i would be strong enough
to be the friend
just the friend
but can't ignore the ache
the little motions and movements
reaching out to you
wishing to tell you the truth
just wondering if you even notice
all the little things i do
and would do
can feel you drifting away
slipping through my fingers like smoke
and i can't call out
and i can't hold onto you
want you to be happy
even though it bruises me inside
its Christmastime
moments of truth and honesty
and all that i should say to you
because don't we deserve some truth in our lives
yet i know another year will pass
another holiday season
mouth still unable to tell you the words
so i wait
as my heart aches a little bit more



*thank you LOVE ACTUALLY

papercut

out of the copier
warm and dusty
paper slides across my palm
turning on edge at the tips of my fingers
cut
such similarity to what you are
warm, smiling, creating happiness
but accidentally on a whim
cut
the very heart of me
you are the papercut 
sliding across my heart

better

in the daylight life doesn't look so bad
as i think of better days
when we both laughed and smiled
without burden
if only i could return
to that simple, happy state of mind
where laughs equated to happiness
and smiles were taken at face value
without the weight of thinking
analyzing every moment, searching for signs
that probably aren't even there
no
finally living the lyrics of my favorite tune
not chasing after you
but chasing the memories
of a place only we knew



*thank you KEANE for "Somewhere Only We Know"

pendulum

the pendulum swings again
and again I fall
heart crying on the inside
inability to move on the outside
the ocean of water that flows between
i can't swim across
just want this to stop
want time to stop, rewind, fast forward
anything but here and now
if crying it all out
would erase your name
i would shout it from the rooftops
but my voice is trapped
in the box i gave you

somehow

thought of you today again
and what you were feeling
if you were thinking of me at all
hating this limbo
but too afraid to ruin something so good

but later on it felt okay
just talking as we always do
making me smile and just
a little bit happier for today

somehow i'm going to make it
someday I'll come to peace
with all that we have
and not all that i want
because even having a little bit of you
is better than nothing at all

rain

every effort you make
to make me smile
hurts this heart a little bit more
sending this mind on a chase
in circles to decipher what this means
to me and to you

like rain on the desert
or water on a parched tongue
watching you is a relief
but always leaves something more to be desired

each step we take
in this unnamed dance
brings me closer
yet takes me farther
from the happiness i seek

hold

time slips away
and so do you
as i try desperately to hold on
to the little moments
we once had

still standing so far away
yet able to watch your face
and i wonder when the time comes
to actually let you go
how i'll survive

you're not the one who always
makes me laugh
but if only you knew
how you hold my attention
how your opinions mean
almost everything

i know it's not healthy
putting my emotions
into one basket that i've given to you
until i can move forward
and find someone new to give
please hold and keep it safe
for me

door

pitch black night sky
around the block i run
trying to clear my mind
looking for a reason
before i face the morning sun

and there you are
ever present
ever there as before
can't make you go away
but i don't want you to stay

always at nighttime
i feel strong, invincible
i can let you go
loosen the string on the kite
and let it fly far off

but there you are
ever present
ever there as before
wanting you to stay
so please don't walk out that door

knowing i have to let you go
unlock you and let you fly
to become the person i know you are
without me at your side

selfishlessness

when i think
about what this means to me
i know
i would rather see you happy
even without me
than sad and stressed
with me

i think i finally understand
to put someone else's
happiness
above my own
because isn't that what love is?

so many times
that old adage
"if you love them, let them go"
has truth
and i see it now
standing afar
yet walking closer
wanting to be part of
your happiness
even if it means
i have to search elsewhere for mine

walk

always on my mind
but i don't want you there
needing to walk away
from this
because not moving
would only torment me more

so how do i walk
away from this all
when there was nothing
there to begin with

should be easy
cut run let go
but i can't
at the same time
i need you still in my life
can't let you go

but let me walk away from
this emotion
return to the way it was
make me stop
push me to walk away
from it all

arms wide

always feel
like i have so much
love to give to everyone
if they would just ask
i would give more and more
as much as they wanted
as much as i could give

but i too want
to be given love in return
arms wide open
to catch someone
for someone to catch me

do anything for you
but would you do the same
would give you all my love
if only to be loved
in return

ask

not your fault
didn't ask to be
this person i watch for
never asked you to be the one
of my reality

i didn't ask you
didn't want you
to be the one i always
look for
when i'm looking around

somedays i wish
you would ask me
what i feel
and why i feel
and listen
and understand

but if you ask
i would tell you
i would give you the world
and yet i know
i can't ask you for the same

why do i

made the decision to let you go
push you away
and out of my mind
in that way

resolve always is stronger
in the nighttime
always thought
resilience was a skill of mine

but in the bright sunlight
or even the grey clouds of rain
during the daytime
out and about
anywhere

why do i
still look for you
in that way?