corner

a small piece to the puzzle
i know
grateful for only being able
to occupy a corner of your mind

the desire for a mutual addiction
washed away in the responsibility
of my everyday
perhaps another time

but not today, not this time
and half the battle is just
keeping you in a corner of my mind
because you threaten to take it all

snapshots

in the spaces of the everyday
there's a part of the puzzle
lost to the wind
but these snapshots of my life
minutes we steal
from the bank of time
I don't remember anything at all
I don't know the day of the week
or the hour at hand
time flows through fingers
like water rushing on

one day

one day my silence will break free
caught the words
on the tip of my tongue again
waiting to wait it out
and hope for a better day

the better day always comes
and happy is my quiet mouth
but the hard ones follow too
and i'm caught in the cycle again
almost tipping
wishing for bravery
and waiting again

lost

lost a little piece of me today
fell through the cracks
hidden under the sheets
and i can't find it anymore

not th way i thought
it would turn out to be
is it a test or is it more
i don't regret a moment

but i lost a part of me today
and i can't find it anywhere
anymore

wilting

i thought i had it all
almost
a heart
success
a new life

but i turn around
and see the mirror
how much of myself
did i lose
or change in the process

happiness is fleeting
a roller coaster of highs
and then sharp drops
gaining so much
but losing parts of me in the process

lost
again

fine lines

past few months
too many have been
pushing the limits of my soul
pushing until i'm
almost breaking down

breaking away from the
person i once was
driving away people i
thought i cared about

this is not how i want to be
but the car is speeding now
too fast and i can't stop it
on a collision course
to something unwanted

but then there's you
pushing the limits of my soul
almost difficult to breathe
and the collision course here
i'm just waiting for the crash now

stolen

day to day

i think of you and smile

little memories of the 

days past

get me through 

the days tomorrow

little moments we steal

a few minutes there

and an hour or so here

stolen from the everyday

and holding onto the memory

is enough

until we steal some more

different

thought of you today
and i smiled a little bit
too often my mind has been turning tricks
distractions flood every cell of my being

maybe it's complicated
maybe it's different
but at the heart and soul of it all
i know

having part of your heart
part of your mind
sharing part of your life
even for just a minute

living the truth of a favorite phrase
"never regret anything
because at one point, it was all
you ever wanted"

some days pass on easier than others
but at the end of it all
tomorrow I could cease to exist
and be thankful to have had
those moments with you

Someone else's life

9am and I'm out the door
Heart falling when I walk away
From you and your sleepy eyes
Doing what needs to be done
But hating every minute of doing it

I've been living out of
Someone else's life
Whenever I'm with you

Days pass on and stretch
Into what feels like months
Fully knowing what I signed up for
But wishing for you everyday

I've been living out of
Someone else's life
Whenever I'm with you

So tonight take me away
From the scheduling and the
Obligations of the everyday
And to watch the peacefulness of your sleep
If only for a moment...

cookie cutter lovers

they are everywhere
under the trees, crossing streets
happiness radiating from their
hands held together in open air

but you and i walk on
fingers brushing, not touching
and my heart skips a beat

we're not cookie cutter lovers
hidden under layers of fabric
in this story we've begun
so we walk on and on

days pass and i sometimes wonder
how we reached this moment
walking miles from each other
but somehow returning to this point

so you and i walk on
fingers brushing, not touching
and my heart skips another beat

we're not cookie cutter lovers
hidden under layers of fabric
in this story we've begun
so we walk on and on

all the old songs

the ones i used to listen
and sing to
of happiness and heartbreak
of love and sadness

always understanding the sad ones
wishing to feel the happy ones
in moments like these
the old songs make sense to me now

silence

don't speak
don't move
just be here with me
in the loudness and the silence

days pass by
and this rat race
tears me apart every moment
of every day

but in the silence
of your strong arms
i feel peace again
and i can handle everything this world
throws against me

happiness

never one to complain
or be content
to get what you want
and everything at the same time
only brings your focus
to what you don't have

but pause for a moment
and think of what you do
remind yourself
that everything you ever wanted,
you have
that the little things you don't have
are irrelevant in this moment
that your happiness
is in this moment
and that's all that matters

breathless

the songs they always sing
of love and happiness
of heartbeats and breathlessness

never understood what they meant
never knew how they captured
the exact feelings into words

but there was yesterday
and the day before then
and the day before that

sitting here now
and listening to those songs
the lyrics are a truth in my life

secrets

i always wondered what
the secret was
to finding another person
with the same feelings
the same intentions
at the same time as me

now on the other side of the fence
i still don't have the secret
all i know is
things happen as they're meant to be
and that's all i ever need

beats

the sun and its 113 degrees
now a breezy chill
and large raindrops

like you and i
orbiting in different paths
everything i ever wanted
back then
i'm getting now

one of these days
our paths will cross again
maybe we'll be on the same beat
this time?

back

for once seems like i have my life back
with so many things
to be thankful for
those who shower love
and support
and those who've been
there from the start
freedom of time again

thought i finally ran free of you
running for another
towards another
but then you call again
and once again i'm dissolving
into a puddle at your feet

pleasantly painful

oh some days I wish it would stop
the agony of waiting
and all those times i fell
adding another bruise to my knees

but some days I know
I wouldn't give this up for anything
rather have this pleasantly painful
than feeling nothing at all

coffee shop

you don't know at all, do you
all that i would do for you
if only you looked down
and gave me a chance

actions speak louder than words
but i feel you can't hear me
what do i need to do
for you to open eyes and see

i'm not the kind of girl
who needs a boy to live
to be the reason for my everything
i can stand on my own two feet
and i can live well on my own
but you're the only one
who i want to take care of me

you are tall and strong
no signs of weakness in your facade
but when all the others fade away
i want to be the one you lean on

i'm not the kind of girl
who needs a boy to live
to be the reason for my everything
i can stand on my own two feet
and i can live well on my own
but you're the only one
who i want to take care of me

so don't turn away
don't give up before it begins
don't leave this hand empty
please

sleepless

always knew this would happen

the inevitable

a thick wall of concrete

impossible to break through

finally realizing the beauty of sleep

to close my eyes

and wish the world away

and leave the problems till daylight

late nights again

sleeplessness again

not only lost in your eyes

but I'm shivering from the cold 

past two weeks

feels like a year

the good times running 

and the bad times crawling 

nothing is forever

the moon wanes 

and beauty fades

flowers bloom and wilt

and the apples end up bruised 

nothing is forever

in this world, this life

nothing will remain the same

but when you call my name

i feel it 

that this love will be the closest

thing to forever 

never knowing what tomorrow

will bring or take from me

knowing at any moment

this all could disappear 

nothing is forever

in this world, this life

nothing will remain the same

but when you call my name

i feel it 

that this love will be the closest

thing to forever

can't guarantee i'll be there always

with you here or there 

but you'll always have a place to rest

in this heart of mine 

expectation

trying not to have any 

because it's only gotten in the way

given me pain and heartache 

wasting my time on waiting

and then something comes along

throws my resolve out the door

and here I go again

walking on the hot coals

for the feeling of hope

I won't fall back into the cycle 

of expectation and heartache again

right ones

seems to be a theme in my life
these past few months
falling hard for the ones I love
and blind to maybe those
I've passed along the way

always chasing after the wrong ones
running too fast to see
the right ones in from of me
and maybe I'm pushing away
one of the right ones

for most, I hold nothing back
give you all my love
all my efforts and all my heart
for few, I play this game
baiting to test how far you'll go

always chasing after the wrong ones

running too fast to see

the right ones in from of me

and maybe I'm pushing away

one of the right ones 

how do I stop this cycle
how do I break free
from chasing ghosts
to holding something real

lasts

something small
something sweet
almost forgot what it is like
for someone to smile
and make my heart
beat

But I turn around
and suddenly it's gone
everything good
rarely lasts
isn't that the way it goes

sunday

almost thought I had it all
there was an issue
but I was coping
there was a bruise
but I was healing

then you walk down the hall
and suddenly life
has run off at 100mph
I wish I could stop chasing
I wish life would chase me
for once

Don't give me your hand
don't make me follow you
don't make me fall
into another hole
don't plant emotions into my heart
because I've been down that path before

waves

waves crash against my heart
and suddenly
you are the sea
and I am the cliff
and you chip away at
the bits and pieces of who I am
the rocks that tumble
signs of my weakness when
it comes to you
I've given too much of
my heart away already
you haven't given me a reason
to stop loving you
but when the waves slow to a calm
I wonder how much
you really care

and I'll try to only
let you make my happiness
but I can't and I won't
let you take my happiness

enough

so the little things

nothing fancy

nothing special 

daily routines 

a little full cart 

jokes and laughs 

here and there

i don't need anything 

without hope or agenda

happiness is in the moment

and for now 

enough 

500 days

day 1

barely registered on my mind

you weren't the one i was looking for

day 34

fun moments, I'll give you that

but nothing breaks through the gates

surrounding another, and only that other 

day 68

fleeting thoughts run through my brain

not enough to make an impression

but certainly brought a smile to my face

day 127

suddenly you're everywhere, anywhere

the first and last one on my mind 

in the songs i hear and the pictures i see

wish i'd paid attention on the very first day

day 204

i try not to think about it

some days it works, most days it doesn't

no past, no future, just the present

days and a few more till life begins again 

not that i should count

but about 300 more days are on the pages

of this book of memories i keep 

fingerprints

every moment leaves you behind
photographs on my wall
memories in my mind
not deep enough to leave a bruise
but i feel it
not visible like a scar
but i see it
the gestures are small
but strong enough to sway

you leave fingerprints on my life

m
a four letter word that tears
into an already fragile soul
i shouldn't have started running again
so soon after the miles of a near past

i
still wish I could make it go away
leave me alone
when sometimes all i want
is for a little sign to bring a smile again

s
situation i didn't pick
emotions i didn't want
fell into my lap and
took over a corner of my mind

s
all a matter of time
of thoughts and supposes
knowing what i shouldn't want
but wanting it anyway

always more than what I should

time

the hour hand doesn't lie
because timing is all it is
like dough that won't rise for the oven
or the tartness of an unripe apricot
the wrong time overrides
everything else that's right
never getting what i want
and occasionally getting what i don't
though everything could be in place
the right timing always eludes

U-turn

routine is a funny thing
to be used to something
someone
jumping from ship to ship now
almost impossible to be on my own
funny how a gesture so small
meaningless, regardless
can cause a day to U-turn
driving down desolate
and up to the good times

this road was dangerous
from the last time I took it
just a little bit cautious
and a little bit wary
but the propogation
of these waves are too strong
pushing against my better judgment
to avoid the deep end of the pool
this time

care

wake up in the morning

and you come to mind

doesn't matter where i am

or where you are

sometimes I wonder

if i'll ever find

someone who cares just as much

if not more

than i do

sometimes i think

i care too much about

too many people

and in the end

will I end up empty handed

from giving too much

love away

17 weeks

it ended in a paper cut
on the surface of my mind
tears over what I wish
I could've done differently
even though I knew
there wasn't anything to change

first late nights and near all-nighters
the beginning of the adventure
didn't realize at the time
but it was here when
i found a home, a family
some place to call my own

i fell in love
with life for the first time
with sleepless nights 
with writing poems
with sitting in the sunlight
with singing, everywhere
with everyone around me
with you

these 17 weeks
gave me moments for a lifetime
but i'm still waiting
for a missing piece
and hoping to find it soon

drive

driven by the potential
all the possibilities
of you and i
we're not together
but you're always in my soul
like a magnet
you draw me in every minute
of every day
to hear your voice
and feel your presence
pains and saddens this
crazy heart of mine

people tell me to let go
and sometimes i know i should
but we've gone too far now
and i don't think i can ever
let your hands go
from mine

sleepless nights spent
in company with the most amazing
and talented people I've ever known
the home called Club Leavey
gray wall prisons that
don't keep track of time ticking away
until its 4AM
and you realize you're almost
on the other side of dawn
learning so much
smuggling food as an art form
in plain sight of library cops
calculating WACC and NPV
from numbers that just seem to appear
slightly OCD over PowerPoint slides
counting pixels and debating colors

camel milk was a legen-dairy idea
LBOs not so much
Nerd Corps could trump the Geek Squad
and Disney should open a factory of making Mileys

so this is where all the real players are
work hard
play harder
30 hours spent with
brilliant people
funny people
amazing people
late night dessert trips
pizza joints our favorite spots
if only i could have a semester's worth
of Friday afternoons

so this is what home feels like

space

hands grab desperately

at the air but i catch

nothing

the sun is out against

a bright blue sky

and i can't think anymore

where you used to be 

is now just empty space

abandoned real estate

until the next home comes along

i need to fill this space

with something

anything

because where you used to be

is a clean white slate

know

know that i lived this time
dipped my toes
into the deep of the pool
and fell in this mess

know that i loved you too
that you were always
on my mind
and in my thoughts

know that for a moment
you were the puppeteer
to this puppet heart
taking control

but today i start a new life
this chapter is over
and it's time to write a new song
and i thank you for
the moments we had

sing

anthemic guitars
and heart-pounding drums
are all i need
to feel the beat
pulsing through my veins

and all i want
is to find an open space
middle of a tall grass field
and fall to my knees
with the music around me

close my eyes
turn my head up to the sky
and sing until
this voice breaks with volume
and i can't breathe in anymore

a simple cathartic request
so easy to imagine
yet so hard to find

i would

i want to give you the time
and the space to figure
it all out

i would wait for you
if i knew you would wait
for me too

but i can't do this
i can't wait for something
i don't even know will ever be

i'm too scared to say the words
but i feel it when i see the little things
and everyone looks like you

tell me now
even a little sign
and i'll wait for you

but time moves on
and i have no choice
but to follow it because standing still
is not what i'm meant to do

surgery

i can feel it spreading
weeks ago
would've brought a warm feeling
to this soul

but now i just
need it to leave me be
overstayed its welcome
it's not a friend anymore

if only i could take a scalpel
and cut these memories
out of my mind
take an eraser
and undo all that i've been through
for you

wake up the next day
and maybe I'll be thankful
for all that I was given
and things will be sane again

UP

roses and chocolates
a life of wealth
a home of luxury
none of that is relevant
i realize

a simple life
full of caring love
building a life
with one person

what i would give
to sweep the floors
and paint the walls
and enjoy the sunshine rain
with you

a simple life
innocently lived
driving over speed bumps as they come
but i'd travel forever
if only with you

math

take the lyrics
add a guitar or two
subtract noise
multiply the bass
add the keys of a piano
and divide by the drum beats
add a violin or a cello for effect
multiplied by the strums of a ukulele

this equation can be simple
but you can take the derivative of the chorus
for the bridge
or write a new one completely
music as a painting
and melodies as paint brushes
but it's the mathematical properties
of this song
that make a perfect equation
for the ears to solve

duet

voices entwined
something simply beautiful
he sings
she replies

simple story
back to the basics
of his thoughts
and her love

looking for someone (you)
to complete this duet
because this melody
is even more beautiful
with two

little things

i don't say the words
too scared, too shy
but i feel them
with every fiber of being

i feel this
when you come to mind
when you appear

i feel this
when everyone looks like you
when you're on my side

i feel you
even for just a minute
fragile in your hugs

i feel this
uncertainty of everything
you do
and everything
i am

cry

people view it as only 
one dimensional
but crying is more than just sadness
or hurt
or pain

to create tearstains on my face
doesn't take much
but i don't cry out of sadness
or hurt
or pain

but rather
for the beauty of heartfelt writing
for heart-wrenching films, truth or fiction
for snapshots of life's miracles
for the experiences i hope to have
for the moments i wish to never end
for the burdens i wish sometimes weren't mine
and for the pure and simple
joy of living

tears don't fall only for the bad times
the good times deserve them too

closed

eyes closed

as i sit in the blue water

sift through grains of sand

the sea floor flowing through my fingers

eyes closed

sun is hot on my shoulders

lips are salty from the ocean 

and a breeze tickling my neck 

eyes closed

and I let the waves push 

and pull me 

without any effort of my own 

eyes closed

breathing in a light and crisp air

as the water runs over

and all around my skin 

eyes closed

heart beating still 

but I still can't

wash away those thoughts of you 

time machine

time machines are real
but only in our minds
close my eyes
and take me back to the moment
where I was happy
and life was simple


moments when you made me smile
when I didn't have to face 
the harsh reality of the next moments
without you in them 


moments of a happy heart
an unburdened mind
when simple things were only that
when stress didn't bring up my fears
and caffeine didn't make me shake


the ability to replay these moments
over and over the theater of my mind
bring a simultaneous joy and sadness
not because I've lived them
but because I'll never live them again 

walk

walking away from this

from you

before it falls apart completely

seems to be the most logical

I can't create you and me

all on my own

I can only be me

and the rest is up to you

feelings of powerlessness

so I give up

and I'll walk on, walk on

until I can find my strength again 

regrets

regret

things I wish I'd done

words I wish I'd spoken

emotions I wish I didn't feel 

regret

chances I wish I'd taken

hands I wish I hadn't held 

moments I wish would last forever

but time rolls on 

for a moment in the water

let the waves bring me in

and pull me out 

moving forward with time

but this retrograde ellipse motion

keeps me from moving on 

until I'm in caught in a cycle 

inability to escape