care

wake up in the morning

and you come to mind

doesn't matter where i am

or where you are

sometimes I wonder

if i'll ever find

someone who cares just as much

if not more

than i do

sometimes i think

i care too much about

too many people

and in the end

will I end up empty handed

from giving too much

love away

17 weeks

it ended in a paper cut
on the surface of my mind
tears over what I wish
I could've done differently
even though I knew
there wasn't anything to change

first late nights and near all-nighters
the beginning of the adventure
didn't realize at the time
but it was here when
i found a home, a family
some place to call my own

i fell in love
with life for the first time
with sleepless nights 
with writing poems
with sitting in the sunlight
with singing, everywhere
with everyone around me
with you

these 17 weeks
gave me moments for a lifetime
but i'm still waiting
for a missing piece
and hoping to find it soon

drive

driven by the potential
all the possibilities
of you and i
we're not together
but you're always in my soul
like a magnet
you draw me in every minute
of every day
to hear your voice
and feel your presence
pains and saddens this
crazy heart of mine

people tell me to let go
and sometimes i know i should
but we've gone too far now
and i don't think i can ever
let your hands go
from mine

sleepless nights spent
in company with the most amazing
and talented people I've ever known
the home called Club Leavey
gray wall prisons that
don't keep track of time ticking away
until its 4AM
and you realize you're almost
on the other side of dawn
learning so much
smuggling food as an art form
in plain sight of library cops
calculating WACC and NPV
from numbers that just seem to appear
slightly OCD over PowerPoint slides
counting pixels and debating colors

camel milk was a legen-dairy idea
LBOs not so much
Nerd Corps could trump the Geek Squad
and Disney should open a factory of making Mileys

so this is where all the real players are
work hard
play harder
30 hours spent with
brilliant people
funny people
amazing people
late night dessert trips
pizza joints our favorite spots
if only i could have a semester's worth
of Friday afternoons

so this is what home feels like

space

hands grab desperately

at the air but i catch

nothing

the sun is out against

a bright blue sky

and i can't think anymore

where you used to be 

is now just empty space

abandoned real estate

until the next home comes along

i need to fill this space

with something

anything

because where you used to be

is a clean white slate

know

know that i lived this time
dipped my toes
into the deep of the pool
and fell in this mess

know that i loved you too
that you were always
on my mind
and in my thoughts

know that for a moment
you were the puppeteer
to this puppet heart
taking control

but today i start a new life
this chapter is over
and it's time to write a new song
and i thank you for
the moments we had

sing

anthemic guitars
and heart-pounding drums
are all i need
to feel the beat
pulsing through my veins

and all i want
is to find an open space
middle of a tall grass field
and fall to my knees
with the music around me

close my eyes
turn my head up to the sky
and sing until
this voice breaks with volume
and i can't breathe in anymore

a simple cathartic request
so easy to imagine
yet so hard to find

i would

i want to give you the time
and the space to figure
it all out

i would wait for you
if i knew you would wait
for me too

but i can't do this
i can't wait for something
i don't even know will ever be

i'm too scared to say the words
but i feel it when i see the little things
and everyone looks like you

tell me now
even a little sign
and i'll wait for you

but time moves on
and i have no choice
but to follow it because standing still
is not what i'm meant to do

surgery

i can feel it spreading
weeks ago
would've brought a warm feeling
to this soul

but now i just
need it to leave me be
overstayed its welcome
it's not a friend anymore

if only i could take a scalpel
and cut these memories
out of my mind
take an eraser
and undo all that i've been through
for you

wake up the next day
and maybe I'll be thankful
for all that I was given
and things will be sane again

UP

roses and chocolates
a life of wealth
a home of luxury
none of that is relevant
i realize

a simple life
full of caring love
building a life
with one person

what i would give
to sweep the floors
and paint the walls
and enjoy the sunshine rain
with you

a simple life
innocently lived
driving over speed bumps as they come
but i'd travel forever
if only with you

math

take the lyrics
add a guitar or two
subtract noise
multiply the bass
add the keys of a piano
and divide by the drum beats
add a violin or a cello for effect
multiplied by the strums of a ukulele

this equation can be simple
but you can take the derivative of the chorus
for the bridge
or write a new one completely
music as a painting
and melodies as paint brushes
but it's the mathematical properties
of this song
that make a perfect equation
for the ears to solve

duet

voices entwined
something simply beautiful
he sings
she replies

simple story
back to the basics
of his thoughts
and her love

looking for someone (you)
to complete this duet
because this melody
is even more beautiful
with two

little things

i don't say the words
too scared, too shy
but i feel them
with every fiber of being

i feel this
when you come to mind
when you appear

i feel this
when everyone looks like you
when you're on my side

i feel you
even for just a minute
fragile in your hugs

i feel this
uncertainty of everything
you do
and everything
i am

cry

people view it as only 
one dimensional
but crying is more than just sadness
or hurt
or pain

to create tearstains on my face
doesn't take much
but i don't cry out of sadness
or hurt
or pain

but rather
for the beauty of heartfelt writing
for heart-wrenching films, truth or fiction
for snapshots of life's miracles
for the experiences i hope to have
for the moments i wish to never end
for the burdens i wish sometimes weren't mine
and for the pure and simple
joy of living

tears don't fall only for the bad times
the good times deserve them too

closed

eyes closed

as i sit in the blue water

sift through grains of sand

the sea floor flowing through my fingers

eyes closed

sun is hot on my shoulders

lips are salty from the ocean 

and a breeze tickling my neck 

eyes closed

and I let the waves push 

and pull me 

without any effort of my own 

eyes closed

breathing in a light and crisp air

as the water runs over

and all around my skin 

eyes closed

heart beating still 

but I still can't

wash away those thoughts of you 

time machine

time machines are real
but only in our minds
close my eyes
and take me back to the moment
where I was happy
and life was simple


moments when you made me smile
when I didn't have to face 
the harsh reality of the next moments
without you in them 


moments of a happy heart
an unburdened mind
when simple things were only that
when stress didn't bring up my fears
and caffeine didn't make me shake


the ability to replay these moments
over and over the theater of my mind
bring a simultaneous joy and sadness
not because I've lived them
but because I'll never live them again 

walk

walking away from this

from you

before it falls apart completely

seems to be the most logical

I can't create you and me

all on my own

I can only be me

and the rest is up to you

feelings of powerlessness

so I give up

and I'll walk on, walk on

until I can find my strength again 

regrets

regret

things I wish I'd done

words I wish I'd spoken

emotions I wish I didn't feel 

regret

chances I wish I'd taken

hands I wish I hadn't held 

moments I wish would last forever

but time rolls on 

for a moment in the water

let the waves bring me in

and pull me out 

moving forward with time

but this retrograde ellipse motion

keeps me from moving on 

until I'm in caught in a cycle 

inability to escape  

stand

it's not the moments I wish I had
or the moments I wish I didn't
I only wish for one thing

for time to stand still
during the best moments of my life
and live them forever

is

love is you
love is seeing your smile
love is the tears that fall
love is the nervous butterflies
love is you in the corner of my eye
love is the upside down priorities
love is the moments we have
love is having your attention
love is watching you work
love is wanting the best for you
love is letting go
love is all this is

warm

sunlight warms my skin
as i wake up to a brand new day
how one week can change on a dime
this is finally my time

the little things
that lift my thoughts
hug my heart
and I stop in my tracks

easy to think about what I don't have
and forget about what I do
but each day passes in the same way
and i have a choice

need a daily reminder
to think of the good
it's not about finding my happiness
but creating it

go on

there's a silencer on my gun
muffling the sound
of the bullet of my words
but the shells don't hit the ground


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on
break my heart


like an ice pick
the thought of you
chips away at this iceberg
until I'm a melted pool


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on


You might drive on
and pass me by
but that's alright
that's okay
you could've had this all


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on
break my heart
break my heart
breakin' my heart everyday

box

today the realization arrived
a moment of sane clarity
this burden no longer as oppressive
as the water against my chest
in this pool of emotions i've been drowning in

hard to believe it's only been
a little over a month since
i jumped into the deep end
dying a little bit everyday
gasping for air through a straw

i put you in a box
a treasure chest
and dropped it in the deep end of the pool
braving waves and oxygen deprivation
to get to where you were

i realize now
the box was a mistake
shouldn't have been this way
can't get those weeks of my life back
but i've cut open the masking tape
and you're no longer in
this empty box in my hands

reboot

mind's been alternating
between sleep and hibernation
doesn't matter if i'm tired
information still being input
Word documents of text
and PowerPoint slides of equations
there's not enough RAM to keep up
need to get a bigger harddrive
for all the data to be stored in here
wish i could restart this mind
fresh start
or if i could shutdown
only for a little while
let this mind rest
and reboot again

dreamlike

can't remember the last time
when a dream was so vivid
so tangible
a relatively short 30 minutes
yet felt like forever in my mind

contentful restful sleep
didn't want to wake up
when reality is nothing like the
feelings in my head
frighteningly in your arms
and you in mine

the brain knows its not real
but it can't erase from my skin
the slightest hint of you

fairy tails

tail: \ˈtāl\:  : the blank space at the bottom of a page


singing and writing

songs of happiness love and 

fairy tale endings 

but they're only songs

where will i begin to find

the beginning 

to my happy ending

fairy tales spin webs 

and clutter reality 

prince charmings don't really exist

clearing out the corners

of this heart

and i sit here once again
waiting for an ending
any ending
to this story i've spun 

moments

like fingertips in the dark
i can't see where this road is going
bare toes gripping to the tightrope
trying to balance it all

all i have
are these snapshots of moments
little tiny minuscule things
replaying over and over
in the projector of my mind

moments of strength
when i decide to let go
when i want to give up
cut out
run away from it all

moments of weakness perhaps
when this heart wavers
because this soul knows
THIS is the road for me

unsure as ever
traveling in circles until
i get back to square 1
moments of bliss
and devastation envelope my soul

only searching for one more moment
one song
one melody
one word
to bring me to my knees

too often

too often have i stayed awake
time slips away like water in my bare hands
and i see the days change
one to another

too often of late
have i seen the other side of dawn
before the daylight
before the clarity
is the fog and the mist of the dark

too often have i stayed awake
for daily obligations unmet
like a cup of water on edge
time is splashing out all around me
and i'm unable to get it back

dim

lights dark and the music
sends vibrations through the walls
can't help but start moving with
voices and the beats
that envelope you and i

can't really see in the
dim and dark shadows of this circular room
but when you're in front of me
i don't dare to look in your eyes
just wanting to be in them only

in the daylight
in real life
was all that an illusion
were you and i simply
under the influence of
the music and the dim lights

waking up in the morning
confused as ever
i know what i felt
but do you?

don't

sitting here and waiting for
something, anything
i don't know anything anymore

you've got a grip on my happiness
like a puppeteer controlling the strings
so i'm begging you to please

don't leave me here like this
give me an answer
any sign
because waiting here in your hands
i don't know how much longer i can last

if only i knew where you stood
i could tell you where i stand
either we walk this together
or part ways now

i would rather know today
than find out much later
so please please let me find what i need
and make the choice
to cut or to run

Untitled #2

spoken from the mouth of a child
unable to imagine anything 
"Worse than the total agony of being in love?" 


sitting here
i feel the truth of those words
in every bone 
and every ventricle
of this heart that beats
steady slowly
quickly
for you 

smile

simple things

didn't know they could affect me

so much as they do 

whenever there's you 

tiny things

when you begin a conversation

when i see your eyes

look into mine as we talk 

minute details

your arm from a side hug

when i hold your interest 

because you always hold mine

my face is frozen into a grin

that i can't wipe off 

because it's you

for why my heart smiles 

dangerous

when i'm alone
this heart hardens
the realist steps in
warning me not to fall
fall all this distance
for something that might not even
be at the end of the road

but when little things happen
when your face reappears somewhere
somehow
this heart has hope
once again aflutter
hopeful
waiting

but at this point
is hope perhaps
the most dangerous thing of all?

faith(ful)

i had the best of intentions
this year was a new year
a new decade
a beginning of the rest of my life

i had it all
my life was under control
making good on my resolutions
faithful to the goals i'd set

but somehow along the way
in the process of chasing my happiness
you appeared
and without any effort on your part
threaten to erase the progress i've made

i don't know how this happened
how i allowed this door to remain ajar
for your presence to catch in the door
faced with this dilemma now

always thought i was strong enough
to chase the right priorities
i had a goal that relied on no one
but myself

and ceding this control to you
losing me, myself, and I
scares me more than words can say
do i have faith in this open door
or do i pull it closed in this moment?

control

when did i hand you the reins
when did i let you
take control of my happiness
of life as i live it

can't walk ten feet
without thinking of
something that catches my mind
and i wish to share it with

i want it back
the focus i had
walking the right path
making the right decisions
but somehow
you're leading me down this
foggy road
and i'm not in control
except for your silhouette
leading me on

stumbling

the pebbles on this road i travel
roll under the soles of my feet
thinking seems to be all i do these days
until i'm walking in circles of thoughts

if something happened to me today
there's so much i haven't done
feelings i haven't talked about
dreams i haven't achieved

each minute vowing to do something
anything to make a difference
for those i care about the most
moons orbiting around the center of my earth

time ticks on
and i sit in silence
every inch of my body paralyzed
unable to voice my thoughts (of you)

this fear of the unknown
shatters my confidence into pieces
i used to be ME
but you've turned me into a bundle of nerves

where do i find the strength
to fix and make me whole again?

heartbeats

i can feel them again
slowly gaining strength and volume
until the pounding in my ears
matches the one in my heart

if only i could see the future
something to reassure me
that this path is the right one to take
a little hint, a spoiler
as to how this might all end

wanting to end this silence
to tell you exactly how these
heartbeats march to this pace
you've set
but fear strangles me from head to toe
and once again
my thoughts remain trapped within my lips

maybe i'm wrong
maybe i don't get to travel this road with you
torn into pieces
between the desire to know
and the fear of saying anything at all

wait

jumped over the bridge

to the other side

the weather in my mind's a little better tonight

stormy, rainy, cloudy at the same time

but i can glimpse the smallest amount of sun 

one day at a time

but i've only got 11 more weeks

where will this pace take me

take us

if anywhere at all 

sitting waiting wishing 

for the end

close my eyes

and wait for tomorrow 

for another week to pass us by

like petals on a rose

for them to fall

one by one 

until we're out of time 

patience

patience is not a virtue of mine
though for all the waiting i've done
i might as well be expert
waiting waiting
for something, someone
to happen to me

in this moment, i feel too close
to the end of waiting
as these days drag on
i've moved closer than i ever have
of knowing myself and knowing you
but all that's left to do
is wait for you

waiting and not knowing
is like a clamp on my lungs
yet would i rather not know,
than accept another bruise
if the answer is not the one i'm waiting for?

clarity

in this hazy mess
i've suddenly found myself
struggling to breathe
the only thing that's keeping me
from collapsing inside

is this clarity i've picked up
a glimpse into the future
understanding more of myself
what i want isn't always
what others can give me
but at least i know now
it's clarity

only been a few days
the first two had me dangling
on the edge of an emotional rollercoaster
today i'm a little calmer
less worried about what you're thinking
a little more at the thought
of losing this potential with you

and this clarity i've picked up

a glimpse into the future

understanding more of myself

knowing what the right reasons are

and this is clarity

would almost give anything 

to see this happy ending

but how do i get there 

swim

in my head
my voice changes with the song
anthemic or heartfelt
sometimes i can feel my heart
contract because the lyrics are
too brutally honest about my life

i can hear the crisp guitar strings
and the ukulele tickle skin 
the deep beat of the drums
reverberating in my ears down to my throat
close my eyes
and feel them dance with each piano key


if this is what swimming in music feels like
i never want to get out of the water

feel

i know what i want to avoid
the stumbling
the rapid heart rate
the inability to move,
much less speak

currently on this path
to test the strengths of my weaknesses
how far do i need to go
until they break

a return to a simpler time
without worry or burden
is just running away from the
right direction of my life

filled with the desire to run
and jump past this feeling
skip this part of the road
take an easier detour off the beaten path

but then again
what is happiness without pain?


*thank you "it stops today" (colbie caillat)

good thing

lets call it a good thing
and stop here before
the road gets dangerous
will falling down the rabbit hole
really end in a wonderland?

what's the price of walking away
barely anything at all
a love that's too big
one can't carry for two

maybe one day
possible to move past this place
or back to this spot
and hope for a better thing

but for now
let's call this a good thing
and leave it be



*thank you "Sort Of" Ingrid Michaelson

battle

want want want
the heart has a laundry list
brash, impulsive
desiring for instant gratification
and nothing less

think think think
the mind as a gatekeeper
calm, rational
thinking of all contingencies
before moving an inch

it is the heart that wants
and the heart that hurts
and the heart that beats
but it is the mind that thinks
and the mind that feels
and the mind that dreams

think it well
feel it sink in
delayed gratification
isn't always as unwanted
as it seems

water

stuck here in the rain
in this drenched limbo
too dissuaded to move
droplets of this storm not strong enough
to wash it all away

the pang has lessened
not so much a hole as it is a crack
in this bulletproof glass heart of mine
only encasing the love that hides beneath
beating ever so constantly

day to day i look out the window
(not) thinking of you
yet not thinking of anyone else either
walking down this road
waiting, willing to get to the end
of this song we play over and over again

almost

sleepless nights, and i'm turning again
skimming the surface of a deep sleep
yet consciously aware of my body
its finally early morning
and for once i feel no fatigue
though last night seems to think i should

the cool crisp air attacks my lungs
as i move around the track
feeling alive
classes don't feel too bad
keeping busy with long afternoons
and endless evenings till the morning

slip into bed once again
when dawn is only 3 hours away
hoping for a deeper night's sleep
physiological reactions to this stress
take over almost everything
until with one breath
its all over

and this first week went by so slowly
yet so quickly at the same time
excessively productive
16 hours in the library and counting
in the midst of it all
i almost forget to think of you

end

this year I've learned
love comes in so many forms
it might not be the one i want
but it doesn't mean it's not given
with all the affection someone has

i've realized cramming only works
for something to be regurgitated
but i've been blessed
to finally find something i enjoy
and spending my time working for it
is hardly work at all

that people pass in and out of our lives
but only those who care, truly stick
that the heart can't help what it feels
no matter how the mind fights it
that words left unsaid
are sometimes better left that way
that i shouldn't worry about others
until i take care of me first
that i love you
and nothing in this moment can change it
that i need to accept the way some things are
or else happiness will only run away
that i have so much to wake up for
and only a little left to be desired

happiness isn't as elusive
as i once thought it was
the ability to make it or break it
is my own and only my own

today is a brand new day
to open my heart and my mind
to walk in the sunshine
to find a love that can be returned
to find peace in who i am

treetops

too often i find myself
gasping for air in this race
falling behind with every step
measured against the ones i run with
but then i see your voice

and we're dancing on treetops
touching the sky
the cold crisp air filling my lungs
feeling the warmth of your hands
before gravity pulls me down again

it doesn't matter what kind
i know it's love
always there, always listening
might not be the same for you
but i would give anything just to

go dancing on the treetops
with you and only you
no one else could ever replace
the spot you've labeled in my mind

i never say this enough or at all
but hopefully I can show it
and i know you won't always be here
but i wouldn't want to keep you from the world
i only hope you'll remember me
and the way you used to take me

dancing on treetops
lifting me up to where the clouds
brush my cheek
this was love i'm thankful for

Lead

standing here waiting
looking at the signs at the fork in the road
wondering if i should go left
or right or straight on this path

too many people
and voices in my head
but all i want is the silence
and only Your voice
whispering where i should go

like a child learning how to walk
i need You to take my hand
and guide me along this way
bring me back to the roads
i once knew

maybe the paths are long and dangerous
yet they all reach the home You built
the amount of thorns in the path
or the puddles i need to jump through
all irrelevant because
You have me in Your hands

always

always the helper
never the helped
when can somebody make me
somebody
i wonder

tired of sitting, waiting
not for lack of trying
tentacles reaching out as always
but never getting a response back

looking in the all the wrong places
or should i be looking at all
isn't that what they all say
"find it when you least expect it"

not asking for too much
not wanting for a lot
but everyone wants the same thing
needing a direction, a sign

for now, only one foot in front of the other
day to day
eyes on building my own happiness
before i search for it elsewhere

not saying that it's easy
it's a road long traveled;
nowhere to go but on