I'm Losing

Everyday, I realize I'm losing.

Time
Sleep
Happiness
Meaning
Money
Life
Love
Grades
Ambition
Dreams

There are things to be happy about, I know. I laugh nearly everyday, I do.

But sometimes the textbooks weigh as heavy as my mind. And I wonder, what it is
exactly I'm winning...

Facebook

Why is that blue-toolbarred website so damn addicting?
The little icon of a house (Home), the "Home", "Profile", "Friends", "Inbox" links, the search bar, the profile picture, the Wall, the "Mutual Friends" box, "Info" "Boxes" and "Notes" tabs...WHY DO WE USE AND LOVE AND ABUSE IT?


I think I know why.


Facebook is the tool through which we get linked to people's lives. And a link from them to ours. People have a desire to be noticed, to be seen, to be heard.

People want witnesses to their lives. What a waste it would be to go unnoticed, unconnected, unheard from. And because we as humans have gone too far past the stage where it was ok to have one, two, ten people as witnesses to our lives, Facebook gives us 457 more witnesses to our small, minuscule, uneventful lives. Facebook allows us to share pictures other people might not otherwise see, tag friends in notes they'd otherwise not read, and write "hellos" on walls of people who we'd otherwise never keep in touch with.

Everyone wants to be seen, to be noticed, to be liked, to be wanted.

Facebook feeds that need.

And that's why we use it - addictingly, obligingly, habitually, daily...

A Healthy Kind of Crazy

I'm motivated to blog a bit more often now, even though it seems as if all of a sudden so many activities are collapsing in on me.

I'm going to be blogging for my trip to Hong Kong, so I suppose it'd be useful for me to get back into the swing of things. If I think about it, I really do miss blogging. I haven't done it properly in ages.

These past few days, it seems as if my life was stuck between fun and function. Either I do the things I'm supposed to - studying, being diligent, going to activities that would further my involvement in school, etc - or I'm wanting to do the things I want to - playing, going to basketball games, overanalyzing my mind, etc. And because the rational being of me always puts responsibility first (I think it also has something to do with my inability to walk in a rain storm without an umbrella. I told myself I would do it. But I just...can't), I'm heading off to a case competition for an article that's due Wednesday instead of the basketball game at 4pm.

Forgoing fun for function - because the opportunity cost of fun is too high at this point.

Yet, all this hecticness and crazyness - I feel stressed, but I feel relieved at the same time.



I also think I'm becoming addicted to bread. I just finished half a loaf of chocolate + cherry bread I bought from the Trojan fresh market.

Stats Study Session

I wouldn’t want to live on the 14th floor. If there’s a fire, you’re dead. Those stairs?
Take the elevator.
What if the fire surrounds the elevator?
You’ve got a couple of hours.
And when the oxygen runs out?
Then you’re fucked.
We’re on the 11th floor right now.
We ARE fucked.
How long does it take to die from a drug overdose?
What kind of drug?
I'd rather die from that than from burning to death.
The quickest way to die?
Getting shot in the head.
If it hits the brain stem, you're gone. No pain.
Well, maybe.
An out of body experience.
WE HAVE A MATH MIDTERM.
What would you do if you knew you were going to die?
Like cancer or AIDs?
Or if someone told you, when you first became self aware, that you were going to die in exactly 8 years.
We don't know for sure when we'll die.
If we did, I would worry about it all the time.
But since we don't, you can't.
True.
You know what would suck even more? Alzheimers. Memory loss.
Like 50 First Dates? Can't make new memories?
That would be horrible. Well, not for the person, but for everyone else around that person.
Life is a collection of memories; without memories, we don't have life.
What is life without memories? Erase your memories, and your world disappears.
Can you remember when you were ever truly happy?
No.
When you were 3?
No, I don't remember.
That's probably when you were happy.
Once you're self aware, you realize the world is so crappy that there's nothing really to truly be happy about.
And when you think that you're happy?
An illusion.
I believe in reincarnation; in a previous life I was a poor person.
Why poor?
Now I'm up in middle class. Maybe next life I'll be richer.
Or life is like a matrix. Once you're dead, you exit from it.
Doesn't that contradict the reincarnation thing?
Yeah, but I'm just saying.
Tomorrow's test is death.
But really, in the larger scope of things, how important is that test? Not very.
In 50 years, are you going to say, hey why did I not get an A on that test? No.
1 million years, whats the world going to be like?
Death. Destruction.
5 million? If the world ends?
I see my grave exploding; obviously I wouldn't be around.
If earth collapsed, my grave would too.
And that would make our lives even more insignificant.
Like, what we do has no impact on how the world will ever be, if it all ends.
I think life is about making an impact on the people around you.
What's wrong with being mediocre? What if mediocre is what I want?
Seriously.
What if I told my parents "What if I want to be just like you?"
They'd *smack*
You know that movie, Revolutionary Road? I wanted to see it because it was about a struggle between mediocrity and greatness.
I think being mediocre is fine.
I hate chasing grades.
In high school, if I'd gotten a B, I would've cried.
I was like that in 9th grade too.
And last semester, I looked at my grades, and I didn't feel anything.
Me neither.
I didn't care anymore. I mean, I kind of did, but the result? It didn't make me cry.
I want to care. But somehow, I just can't.
A is average.
Did you see the youtube video?
No.
"A is average. B is bad. C is crap. D is death. F is fucked"
The grading scale for Asians.
Democracy is overrated. Look at the CA budget crisis. That one guy who voted no? Not because he cared for the state, but it would hurt his chance of reelection.
Bastard.
It's a mess.
You know how in China, its a communism government, but a lot of people in the middle class live in capitalism?
I don't think that would be too bad.
Democracy is great, and I'm sure we take a lot of it for granted, but...
Does the government really affect your day-to-day life, with the freedoms and all of that?
I mean, honestly if you lived a 9-5 job, being mediocre, is it really that bad to live in China?
You have pretty much the same luxuries from capitalism.
I'm not saying communism is all good, but there is a good side.
Sometimes I think it's easier to go through life without questioning things.
China owns 20% of the US.
We should move there when things here start accelerating downhill.
Yeah.
I stopped asking why, like for this math probability? I stopped asking why the equations were like this.
Exactly! Don't ask why, just ACCEPT THAT IT IS SO.
That's kind of like communism.
Is it?
Well, they tell you to accept things and to not question.
But I'm making a choice to accept it.
I'm pro-choice everything.
What's exactly the purpose of our lives right now?
I feel like everyday I get up and go to school to pursue something I don't even know if I want to pursue.
Just working towards something.
Means to an end.
What is the end? Isn't it just death?
We spend more than 20 years of our lives in school.
For what?
I'd rather be working right now.
At least you get paid to work.
We pay to go to school.
So we're working towards death.
That isn't the goal, but it is the end, which is kind of like a goal.
20 years.
1/5th if you live to 100
Less if not.
I don't want to live past a point where I can't do basic functions.
Like in a nursing home?
Yeah. I mean, I'm sure their kids love them and all that, but really? They are a burden.
Nursing homes make me sad.
All the seniors look so lonely and bored, and when their children come to see them, they get a little happier.
But when they leave, its back to salmon colored walls and Jello.
Makes me want to cry.
I don't want to be lonely like that.
I don't want to grow old.
But then you outlive all your friends and family, which I think is worse.
I don't want to die either.
But you don't tangibly remember death. As an event, you won't be able to "think" about it once it is done and relive it.
So there's nothing to be afraid of.
You might remember the process of dying though.
Knowing that you're going to die really soon, but not exactly when.
I wish I knew what my life will be like.
You know how when you go on wikipedia they tell you someone's life story?
So you want to Wikipedia yourself?
Yes. I did this at this age, that at that age, and etc.
I wish I knew too.
But what if what we found out was bad?
We wouldn't want to live, but had to.
Or you could make choices leading away from the bad things.
What if it was predestined that those bad things would happen?
What if you knew but couldn't change it?
The beauty of not knowing means the beauty of not worrying.
If I knew I was going to die, I would do a lot of things that I'm not right now.
Too bounded by responsibility.
What makes you get up in the morning?
Fear of disappointing others.
I hated that how sometimes teachers would say "you're going to do great things!"
And I was scared that I would disappoint them.
What's wrong with being content with mediocre?
What does contentment even mean?
Are we ever content? or happy?

What 2009 Means

With new hope and new resolutions, I began 2009 with optimism, excitement, apprehension, and a twinge of fear. Optimism from the idea of a new beginning as with all new years and excitement at what this particular year would bring and apprehension towards the uncertainty of life suspended between the hands of time. Life really happened this year - with the ending of high school at the moments I wished it wouldn’t and with the beginning of college at the moments I wished it would – it was a good kind of change, but a darker undertow to the happiness and the laughter rose subtly and discreetly.

It seems my life has always been a chase, which is ironic because I absolutely loathe running for all the healthiness and fitness that it represents. But I’ve always been chasing after something: first it was an A in history class, and then it was a 5 on my AP exam, and a decent score on the SAT, along with good students to tutor, a passing grade in Physics, a perfected group project, and getting into shape (though I concluded life was too short to waste on diets), and the goal to end all goals: college. After all, how many years had I spent as a child in piano class, Chinese school, at the library, and buried in “enrichment” workbooks to get to this point? And so, once the high school graduation ceremony was done and over with, once the celebrations abated and diplomas were received, time stopped. College had been achieved – what was there left to chase? Summer and vacations with no assignments and no studying was a novel and welcome feeling. The old burden was removed, yet a new one replaced it. A feeling of lost listlessness replaced the feeling of running in a rat race, and I honestly can’t say that feeling lost is better than feeling stressed. Even when college arrived in a flurry of paper boxes, a red brick wall, Dining Dollars, and football, the burden of stress was only a façade, behind which the feeling of being lost lurked at every corner of my life. College was the dream, and unlike high school, four years of college will end in a question mark. Once high school had been over, it was definite that college was in the future. But once college is over, what would the dream be then? The goals are blurred and fuzzy and vague. There are always the standard dreams: find a job, earn a comfortable living, get married, have children, find “fulfillment” in life, etc. But what exactly do those dreams mean? Because these dreams aren’t defined and because life right now hangs in some kind of twisted balance, I can’t define my purpose. I can’t define what I’ve got to do, what I have to chase, in order to achieve the dream because I don’t know what the dream is. This year past year, I’ve lost the focus and the direction and the order that I so crave in my life.

Next year, I want it all back – the determination, the focus, and the motivation. I want to chase something, anything, again.

But most of all, I want to figure out what exactly it is I’m chasing.

Semester Thoughts

First semester of college is effectively over. One more final remains - and I will be done with calculus FOREVER - something I thought would occur upon graduation.

And my thoughts about college life so far?

The internet is an evil evil torturous device and Facebook is a drug that siphons all the time out of your life. Did I mention addicting? As of now, I have not been on Facebook for TWO DAYS. Seems like an eternity already, and TWO days doesn't seem like a lot. But for someone who was on the site multiple and lengthy times each day, TWO days is a long time. It had gotten so bad to the point where my fingers would instinctively repeat a pattern of keys ("Click" address bar, press "F", press the "down" key, press "Enter") without my consciously knowing it.

*New Year's Resolution: Check FACEBOOK in moderation, preferably only when I need to respond to somebody's comment. Otherwise, NO NO NO extracurricular Facebooking.

Coffee doesn't work. Caffeine can really screw up your system - within the span of one day, I had two grande BLACK coffees, and I can still remember the acidity... At first, I could feel the effects of staying awake during class, but tolerance builds, and I distinctly remember falling asleep in my political science lecture with a cup of coffee in my hands.

*New Year's Resolution: GO TO SLEEP EARLIER and rely less on coffee. Return to coffee because I want it, not because I need it.

It's really really easy to screw up priorities. Sadly for me, studying, and I mean, REALLY studying, was not one of them. Needless to say, first semester of college does not parallel first semester of high school. Too many distractions - events, two hour dinners, half hour walks to and from dining halls, FOOTBALL games - turned my priority list upside down. And not to mention that I don't do HALF the things other people do - I have to say, I really admire how they can balance so well.

*New Year's Resolution: RESET PRIORITIES. Each class will be given a designated day and time for which to study, without fail. Go above and beyond the minimum (I tried to do this first few weeks of college, and then realized I just couldn't anymore.), actually try to INTERNALIZE what I'm learning (I've been academic bulimic too), and FOCUS on why I'm here.

Dorm food can be good, will most likely be edible, and sometimes it's just plain NOT good food. 50grand, and students can't get consistently good food. Buffet style dining has its perks, and definitely has its downsides. There is truth to the term "eyes bigger than your stomach" - you might pile heaps of food onto your plate and half way through it, you realize you're already full. Still, you might plow ahead as to not "waste" food. And then, because no meal is complete without something sweet, you get a bowl of fruit, a yogurt cone, or (i hope not) a dessert.

*New Year's Resolution: Eat more vegetables. Stay away from heavy cream sauces and soups. Eat less meat and more fish. And again, only one dessert per week, if at all...

The Lyon center is right in front of my face everyday. Yet, it takes intense motivation for me to even set foot into it. It's the usual excuses - too tired, too much work, too much studying. Can't get up early enough to go in the morning, and usually after dinner, nobody wants to go to the gym. During the day, I will have either classes or work, back to back for hours, so no time to gym either. YET if I was motivated enough to get up early, say at 7am, and go to the gym, before my 9:30 - 10am classes mtwth, that would actually work.

*New Year's Resolution: Get up earlier to go to the gym???????????

And the last one:

*New Year's Resolution: I will admit - I love to take pictures. Of people. Of people and me. And so as I've amassed about 800 USC photos from first semester, I realize that I need to curb picture taking... at this rate, I will either (a) run out of space on my hardrive, or (b) fall into a deeper hole of self-pictureism. Neither is a good thing.


Finally:
-grades are important
-studying is important
-going to class and staying awake is important
-to all those movies/books who claim students should sleep with a professor to get an A - LIES! the TAs do all the work...
-Working a job is important - those extra dollars come in handy
-Keeping in touch with old friends is important
-Not to say that making new friends isn't as equally important
-Meeting friends in class is hard, especially in a class of 200. But it IS doable

And there it is - first semester is over!!!

One Month

At college and it feels nice.

The biggest perk is the freedom. Freedom to do whatever I want whenever, to make my own decisions, and to not be responsible to anybody else except myself. I can stay up late, get up early, make tea or not, walk to dining halls for food or not, study or not, listen to music or not. Time is now only mine, no one else's, and I decide what I want to spend it on or who I want to spend it with.

College is big, different, a little intimidating (I liken it to being a small fish in a big pond). It seems to me to be a lonely place, lonely souls seeking to meet other lonely souls through clubs, organizations, fraternities, and sororities. Time is longer. Classes are larger, different, clock-less, but more flexible.

The internet is a curse and a blessing. Now that I have all the time in a day to be online. Of course, that's time well spent somewhere else, like on a paper due in a few days...

Do I miss home? Sure. It's nice to come home. But if I didn't come home so often?



I think I'd survive just as well.

Summer is leaving me

empty minded this year. It's the 23nd of July, which means I have LESS THAN a MONTH before I move out of my old life. Or move into my new one. Depending on how you look at it.

Time is ticking away, slipping through my fingers, and like all summers, I'm trying desperately to catch air with my bare hands. But this summer is different. It's the end of my childhood (which, contrary to belief, did NOT end on my 18th birthday). It's the REAL end to high school, and I think that the end of this summer deserves more tears than graduation.

I suppose the key word that sums up my attitude/mood/sadness would be apprehension. This is the feeling that never settled in because I always had so much going on. Before graduation, I was like everyone else: "Yes! We're graduating! Leaving high school! Forever!" And then graduation came. Fireworks, speeches, diplomas. Then graduation pictures and hanging out with friends. And suddenly it seemed as if my time was cut short when I left for USC orientation, and HK/Thailand immediately after that. Upon returning, time seems to have stretched and shrunk at the same time. I can't believe it's only been a week since I got back, yet it seems like I have so little time left. To be caught on this bridge empty minded is a weird feeling. For the first time (in my life) I feel caught off guard, unprepared, ill-equipped. It's hard to describe this feeling, which seems to have been compounded by the number of chick flicks I've ingested over the past few days.

Yesterday I watched Elizabethtown with Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst and Emma, an A&E rendition of Jane Austen's novel. Both movies didn't have that happy, feel-good mood to them. The first one reminded me strongly of Garden State, which was an excellent movie, but this one left me somewhat sad and depressed. And Emma, as a classic romance novel/movie, it also left me feeling strange. Maybe it was the whole apprehension for college thing, or maybe it was the ticking time, but those movies didn't leave me optimistic and hopeful at all (even though they should have). Still, watching these chick flicks made me come to a conclusion that love isn't always at first sight, or physical attraction, or any of those things that Hollywood comes up with. And then the murky area of love vs. in love with someone. Where does the line appear? Is there even a difference between the two? Can it be one or the other, but not both? I always thought I wouldn't be the person to settle for ordinary when there was extraordinary out there (as per "This is the Last Time" by Keane), but I've come to realize that maybe extraordinary grows from something ordinary. Once passion falls apart or gives into the daily pressure of actually living with another person, I think that companionship and respect and caring makes love into what it is. The definition of love is such a murky and gray area that I'm getting so many different definitions from different sources, and not knowing the what it means or what it should mean bothers me much...

Where are the tears?

So, I think I've fallen in love again with writing on a blog even if it's only me that's reading this.

Today I got a twinge of tears for graduation, induced by a "great job" and a "thank you for meeting the deadline" on my speech. It's weird that that should be the trigger for tears (but it wasn't even really real tears, just a slight sniffle and a twinge of my nose). But I guess now it's starting to slowly dawn on me that I'm leaving. I'M LEAVING.

Last year, I started crying even if it wasn't my turn to leave. But this year, I feel strangely hollow and unemotional. When I think about graduation, I think of a ceremony and nothing more. When I think about signing yearbooks, I think of the entries, but not of the meaning that those are the LAST high school entries, ever! When I think about college, it's just this big thing, that's bigger than me or anything I could have ever encountered in high school, and it's just THERE.

I can't get myself all worked up, even though I probably should. It's abnormal to feel so hollow, so unfeeling, so empty.... but right now, with less than a week to go, graduation is just a date, just a night, just people in caps and gowns.

Miss

I no longer have a dilemma of choices --- I chose what I think is fate for me and that's that.

Senior year is drawing to a close, and my high school career is over too. Ending the year on a very high note, a happy note, and a bit of a sad note. I'm going to miss all the fun, especially over the past year. I'm going to miss all the things that I can't put into words or online. I'm going to miss laughing and having fun, and I'm going to miss the stomachaches that come with laughing so hard. I'm going to miss taking random pictures and passing notes in class. I'm going to miss falling asleep to certain lectures. I'm going to miss the drama and the fun and the happy and the lonely and the tears and the music and the dancing and the film and the movies and the food and the coffee and the grades and the tests and the physics projects and the failures and the history tests.

I want fun in college and hard classes and new friends and winning football games and spirit games and concerts and new foods. Four years will go by so fast again, and I want things after that too. But maybe, for another day...