sunny days

pearl white clouds 

drift across an almost cerulean sky 

and i close my eyes

and i think of you

so much of my life

spent running and chasing

after all the things i thought i wanted

all the obligations i ever had

to take one minute

breathe in and pause

i remember the happy memories i've made

and i'm suddenly hopeful

for the sunny days again 

searching

always prided myself on my strength
my resilience
but ever since that one fall day
i've been crumbling
from all of this

wanting nothing more than
to wrap myself
and only myself
in a cocoon
and on my own,
search for my happiness again

pieces

sunlight drifts through the curtains
and the rays cast a shadow on the wall
oh what a time it's been
filled with thoughts and memories
happy memories and sad interludes
weighted by the ones of you

now just a collection of broken pieces
shattered through the transit
and i'm held together
by glue and tape
and part of me wishes i could turn back time
and do it all over again

cold water

cold water of the Atlantic
rushing over my toes and around my ankles
staring out into the horizon
life on my mind
caught between the easy way
and the right way
torn between speaking and silence
these words need to fly out soon

because i hate to give up
but i can't repeat last fall this spring
waiting in line for 90 minutes
for a 2 minute thrill ride
was quite the story of my life
and i can count the good times on two hands
but not the tears that fell far and in between
so my toes dip into the coarse sand again

too often putting others' happiness before my own
the people pleaser
the unconditional helper
watching the water i realize
i've given up my own happiness

but no longer

dawn

end of another year, another life
each year, the lessons learned
become a longer list

this year i learned
that nothing is black and white
and life is lived in shades of grey
that emotions sometimes just need to be cried out
and only the true friends hold you
that love is a present
but it comes not without heartbreak
that the tears last night
are only for a better morning
that the dreams of yesterday
are only for a better tomorrow
that the hands i held once
are only meant to be let go
that knowing the right thing to do
and doing the right thing are two completely different things
that hand prints on my skin
leave bruises on my heart
that those same bruises eventually heal
and my resilience only makes me stronger
that i am a better person because of you
and i have no regrets

that the happy ending is sometimes just
letting it all go

the snow and the skin

you are the skin
and i am the snow
my heart a collection of frozen parts
snowflakes that fall
parts that you have chipped away

and they fly and fall with the wind
small and intact
hardened with resolve
but when they land on your skin
they melt at your touch
all the resolve i ever had
gone at your fingertips again

oh

oh what a year is today
almost near a lifetime lived
in 360 days

spring began with the bitter cold
and mists of a 3am morning
found a white rabbit
and fell into a hole chasing him
day in and day out
only one on my mind

summer arrived with the heat
and the sun and promise of something
new, exciting, but not without pain
still i walk on in hopes of something good

as fast as it ever was
summer slid into fall
and my hair fell down as the winds blew
and so did the tears that came with the love

standing in the middle of winter now
and the edge of a new year
which way will the wind carry me
this time?

other side

August 23

heart full of optimism

organized and pretty notebooks

plain pages full of potential 

September 3

almost ready to break down

night after night of endlessness

in the library taking a toll

September 15

sitting, waiting, wishing

weeks of preparation and 16 hours

coming down to one glass prism 

I call a part of mine 

October 1

excitement usually a good thing

coinciding with responsibility

but only if it's worth it

November 9
wake up calls like cold water on my skin
because fairy tales don't exist
and never really have

December 15
standing on the other side
seeing shades of greys and pinks
life is only a balancing act
of wants and needs
desires and reality

and so i ask
when is enough, enough?

never

my heart is only a muscle

not made of steel or glass

contracts and expands with the wind

hurts and loves with time

if anything i've learned this year

is i can't control how it feels 

and some days it will contract and hurt

and other days it will expand and love

all i know is that things worth fighting for

i should never give up on 

defense

climbing up and up
to the top of the world
success
perhaps

but at what cost
of defending
everything you ever stand to lose

the higher you climb
the further you have to fall
and so the stronger you fight
to defend what's yours

the world can take it
too easily away

searching

turning over stones

like the folds in my brain

unraveling the yarns of a scarf

tied too tight around my neck

trying to find the reason

for everything 

old thoughts and perceptions

shattered like shards of glass

and i'm trying to figure this out
growing up, growing old
realizing everything that needs to get done
before the sunsets of another day

where does this leave me
empty handed
a big heart half empty

no one else

woke up this morning
head splitting
and heart beating
tossing and turning through the night
unable to sleep
unable to control
the physical stress of
a life that finally caught up to me

walking at half pace now
through water and a breeze
a dark sky lightened by rainclouds
cold, hungry, and a tired heart
i always knew this was the case
but never truly understood until now
no one else to take care of me
but me

weight

some days

the resolve to let go

is stronger than others 

but then a little bit

small part of you returns

and i fall back in again 

this cycle of take and give

is all too tiring 

chipping away slowly 

and the silence sits

like a weight on my chest

making it all too hard to breathe 

Patience
A curse and a virtue
Strength
To walk away is something I don't have
Love
A big heart that's now half empty
Run
But my feet won't touch the ground
Hope
Because that's what you give me
Little
How I feel when I think of this
Control
Something I lost when I met you
Waiting
All I seem to do these days
Tears
That have our names written on it
Sadness
Like a weight on my lungs

Come bring a smile to this heart again

心话

心中有苦
说不出
眼里有泪
哭不下

找不到我的一部分
心跑到那方向

跑来跑去
还是跑到你身旁
用远里不开

等这你给我及会
远以给你一切
可你的手
我抓不到
你的心
只给我一半

乐了

在我心中
不能没有你
但站冷风里
我乐了
要我等多久
告诉我
不是不愿意等
而是要等多久
跟这你
有笑有哭
但现在
哭比笑
伤心多呢
只想一睡
远走高飞

Scattered

Pictures and memories
Scattered all across the floor
Remnants of the good times
And I stare wistfully into
Once smiling faces

Questions I ask myself everyday
Replaying moments in my mind
Half trying to figure it out
And half of me too tired to care anymore

Of all the ones ever on my mind
Congratulations
Not for breaking everything
But just breaking down a part of me

Exhaustion comes in many forms
Physical mental emotional
And I'm just tired all over
So wake me up tomorrow
And show me what exactly it's come to

2AM

I had so much for you
Can't describe everything I would've given up
If only for your happiness

Consequences of caring too much
Worrying about you and I too often
Even big hearts have a breaking point

But you broke a part of me
Somewhere between the fall
Lost me in the silence of no words

So where does this leave us
Too many nights spent in tears over you
Do I let you play puppeteer
Or do the broken parts
Simply stop

battle

half of this heart
chasing all the things i want
from life
from you

half of this heart
not doing what i should
with my life
with you

always a battle between
what i want
and what i should

so when can i cross the line
so wants and shoulds become one

take it all

woke up this morning

thought about it last night

that anything less than everything 

is nothing

i'm a hunter and

i can't give anything less than 

everything

that's just who i am 

so just take it all 

i'm giving you everything for 

less than everything in return 

just know one day 

i'll wake up again and realize

that this is not enough 

and when that day comes

i'll have to save what's left

and walk away 

might be

this is the first time

everything new and exciting

it's you

some days i sleep

some days i cry

but most days this heart

smiles in spite of it all 

i can be patient

i can pace my attention

i can live my life 

i am stronger than this

might be the first time 

but for all the first times in the world

I'd rather it be this

than anything else out there

find

woke up this morning

and I couldn't find a part of me anymore

faces smiling but only a facade

i miss the way we were

how did i get here

and where do i go now

how do I find that little part of me

and how do i find you again

walls

the walls that enclose our lives
brick and concrete
and i'm starting to see
the beginning of a construction crew
laying the groundwork

how do I make them go away
didn't order for walls between
these two lives i call mine
waiting for a complete breakdown
so we can build something up again

head on the wall

so last night was the last time
last time i swear
the tears shed for a tornado
waiting to touch land from the skies

your words
"a wake up call"
and my thoughts
suddenly collide
because you're always the right one

so it's only time to wake up
from this dream i've been living
and hit my head on the wall
to wake me up from deep sleep

today is the new day
first day of the rest of my life
and walking on my own
well,
it's the only thing that matters now

falling apart

thought i had a grip
thought life was moving on
thought i was running
the right race

but the floor's been pulled
from beneath me and i'm left
floating, falling, plummeting

there's nothing for me to hold onto
except for myself
no one there to catch me
except the emptiness of a cold wind

i'm drowning under th water
burdened under this weight
i'm falling apart
and i don't know how to fix me

drowning

the morning sun appears
and eyes open, groggy
was last night only a dream

just the other day
i wanted off the train
a one way ticket to somewhere
anywhere than here

but i'm not strong enough
and i'm still a passenger on
this roller coaster we call our lives

and my head spins
heart racing and some days
i can't breathe because
these thoughts are drowning me

running

the world is a funny place
and life has a strange sense of humor
last spring all torn up
agony of falling without
someone to catch me

and now i'm still falling
and who will catch me
i don't know
the life i had, the one i knew
flew out the window as
did my sanity, my happiness

i ran all the way around the track
this time
running away from one to another
and finally meeting up with one again
how many laps do I have to go
until i'll just be done with it all?

home

So lost and long
From where I used to be
Only a year ago
Young and running in
A direction I'm not in now

When did life change
When did I take this turn
The moment when
Priorities shuffled around
And the ones I loved
Left them at home

Today finally went back
For just a short visit
Long overdue
But it feels like home again

innocence

close my eyes and i see
a young girl, thirteen
headphones on, walking in the dark
listening to songs of happiness,
lost opportunities and first loves

those songs a soundtrack of my youth
pianos, drums, a guitar solo
wishing to return to that life
for only a moment
when dreams were only fantasies
and i didn't have to live the realities

only seven years beyond from then
but what a life it's been
and some days when i hear those songs again
i wish i could return to
the innocence of that simple life
years and years ago

choices

Fate?
As a series of choices
Actions
Reactions

So where I am now
Completely a result of the 3
What does it say about me
To be here
Waiting
Alone on the steps of a waterfall

The glass always shifting
From half full to
Half empty
And then back again
My life only a chain
Of reactions to
Everyone's actions

And I swallow my soul
Driven by the desire
Of hope and insanity
And again I keep the silence
Inside of me

corner

a small piece to the puzzle
i know
grateful for only being able
to occupy a corner of your mind

the desire for a mutual addiction
washed away in the responsibility
of my everyday
perhaps another time

but not today, not this time
and half the battle is just
keeping you in a corner of my mind
because you threaten to take it all

snapshots

in the spaces of the everyday
there's a part of the puzzle
lost to the wind
but these snapshots of my life
minutes we steal
from the bank of time
I don't remember anything at all
I don't know the day of the week
or the hour at hand
time flows through fingers
like water rushing on

one day

one day my silence will break free
caught the words
on the tip of my tongue again
waiting to wait it out
and hope for a better day

the better day always comes
and happy is my quiet mouth
but the hard ones follow too
and i'm caught in the cycle again
almost tipping
wishing for bravery
and waiting again

lost

lost a little piece of me today
fell through the cracks
hidden under the sheets
and i can't find it anymore

not th way i thought
it would turn out to be
is it a test or is it more
i don't regret a moment

but i lost a part of me today
and i can't find it anywhere
anymore

wilting

i thought i had it all
almost
a heart
success
a new life

but i turn around
and see the mirror
how much of myself
did i lose
or change in the process

happiness is fleeting
a roller coaster of highs
and then sharp drops
gaining so much
but losing parts of me in the process

lost
again

fine lines

past few months
too many have been
pushing the limits of my soul
pushing until i'm
almost breaking down

breaking away from the
person i once was
driving away people i
thought i cared about

this is not how i want to be
but the car is speeding now
too fast and i can't stop it
on a collision course
to something unwanted

but then there's you
pushing the limits of my soul
almost difficult to breathe
and the collision course here
i'm just waiting for the crash now

stolen

day to day

i think of you and smile

little memories of the 

days past

get me through 

the days tomorrow

little moments we steal

a few minutes there

and an hour or so here

stolen from the everyday

and holding onto the memory

is enough

until we steal some more

different

thought of you today
and i smiled a little bit
too often my mind has been turning tricks
distractions flood every cell of my being

maybe it's complicated
maybe it's different
but at the heart and soul of it all
i know

having part of your heart
part of your mind
sharing part of your life
even for just a minute

living the truth of a favorite phrase
"never regret anything
because at one point, it was all
you ever wanted"

some days pass on easier than others
but at the end of it all
tomorrow I could cease to exist
and be thankful to have had
those moments with you

Someone else's life

9am and I'm out the door
Heart falling when I walk away
From you and your sleepy eyes
Doing what needs to be done
But hating every minute of doing it

I've been living out of
Someone else's life
Whenever I'm with you

Days pass on and stretch
Into what feels like months
Fully knowing what I signed up for
But wishing for you everyday

I've been living out of
Someone else's life
Whenever I'm with you

So tonight take me away
From the scheduling and the
Obligations of the everyday
And to watch the peacefulness of your sleep
If only for a moment...

cookie cutter lovers

they are everywhere
under the trees, crossing streets
happiness radiating from their
hands held together in open air

but you and i walk on
fingers brushing, not touching
and my heart skips a beat

we're not cookie cutter lovers
hidden under layers of fabric
in this story we've begun
so we walk on and on

days pass and i sometimes wonder
how we reached this moment
walking miles from each other
but somehow returning to this point

so you and i walk on
fingers brushing, not touching
and my heart skips another beat

we're not cookie cutter lovers
hidden under layers of fabric
in this story we've begun
so we walk on and on

all the old songs

the ones i used to listen
and sing to
of happiness and heartbreak
of love and sadness

always understanding the sad ones
wishing to feel the happy ones
in moments like these
the old songs make sense to me now

silence

don't speak
don't move
just be here with me
in the loudness and the silence

days pass by
and this rat race
tears me apart every moment
of every day

but in the silence
of your strong arms
i feel peace again
and i can handle everything this world
throws against me

happiness

never one to complain
or be content
to get what you want
and everything at the same time
only brings your focus
to what you don't have

but pause for a moment
and think of what you do
remind yourself
that everything you ever wanted,
you have
that the little things you don't have
are irrelevant in this moment
that your happiness
is in this moment
and that's all that matters

breathless

the songs they always sing
of love and happiness
of heartbeats and breathlessness

never understood what they meant
never knew how they captured
the exact feelings into words

but there was yesterday
and the day before then
and the day before that

sitting here now
and listening to those songs
the lyrics are a truth in my life

secrets

i always wondered what
the secret was
to finding another person
with the same feelings
the same intentions
at the same time as me

now on the other side of the fence
i still don't have the secret
all i know is
things happen as they're meant to be
and that's all i ever need

beats

the sun and its 113 degrees
now a breezy chill
and large raindrops

like you and i
orbiting in different paths
everything i ever wanted
back then
i'm getting now

one of these days
our paths will cross again
maybe we'll be on the same beat
this time?

back

for once seems like i have my life back
with so many things
to be thankful for
those who shower love
and support
and those who've been
there from the start
freedom of time again

thought i finally ran free of you
running for another
towards another
but then you call again
and once again i'm dissolving
into a puddle at your feet

pleasantly painful

oh some days I wish it would stop
the agony of waiting
and all those times i fell
adding another bruise to my knees

but some days I know
I wouldn't give this up for anything
rather have this pleasantly painful
than feeling nothing at all

coffee shop

you don't know at all, do you
all that i would do for you
if only you looked down
and gave me a chance

actions speak louder than words
but i feel you can't hear me
what do i need to do
for you to open eyes and see

i'm not the kind of girl
who needs a boy to live
to be the reason for my everything
i can stand on my own two feet
and i can live well on my own
but you're the only one
who i want to take care of me

you are tall and strong
no signs of weakness in your facade
but when all the others fade away
i want to be the one you lean on

i'm not the kind of girl
who needs a boy to live
to be the reason for my everything
i can stand on my own two feet
and i can live well on my own
but you're the only one
who i want to take care of me

so don't turn away
don't give up before it begins
don't leave this hand empty
please

sleepless

always knew this would happen

the inevitable

a thick wall of concrete

impossible to break through

finally realizing the beauty of sleep

to close my eyes

and wish the world away

and leave the problems till daylight

late nights again

sleeplessness again

not only lost in your eyes

but I'm shivering from the cold 

past two weeks

feels like a year

the good times running 

and the bad times crawling