fingertips

pictures are memories
memories only take you so far
but this shouldn't be a memory for me
it should be every day

because if you wanted to
you would
and when I see nothing at all
the absences are paper cuts on my fingertips 

vibrant

sunlight and white clouds
the vibrant blue of a post-storm sky
crisp air drifts down into my lungs
and the wind blows
as i turn my head and see my footprints in the sand
can barely see where i started
but everything feels like yesterday
every minute and moment of the past 460 days
etched in my mind
and carved in my heart

and i move to the beat of a new song
to let the notes and the words
trickle down from head to toe

crimson mistake

watch the motions in the mirror
glances over a shoulder and eyes half open
where has she gone?
the necklace that she wears
a reminder everyday of the burden she bears

was it just a crimson mistake from the beginning
hands empty from the thieves that steal
voices hoarse and a tearstained face
the road from then to here
and still  no closer no further than she was

oh so many evenings ago

nothing more

love nothing more
than singing at the top of my lungs
embracing the words that come out
feeling the music down to my toes

love nothing more
than sitting in the sun on a grassy hill
watching airplanes fly across a blue sky
breathing in a crisp air

love nothing more
than drinking up a mango smoothie
carving out a watermelon for summer
picking blueberries into a bucket of mine

love nothing more
than smiling at the thought of you
wondering what's on your mind
wishing you a million hopes and dreams

evermore

ever stand in someone else's presence
can barely breathe because there's no air
ever hold someone else's hands
and we're chasing something actually there

with you i'll wait
with you we can fly
even if we're not in the here and now
just don't let it pass it by
with you i'll wait

ever wanted to give up on someone
broken down and tired
ever thought of walking away
just to end the tears and the hurt

with you i'll wait
with you i don't mind
even if we're not in the here and now
don't let me pass you by

days feel like a lifetime
but like the light at the end of the tunnel
that's where we'll keep running to

with you i'll wait

with you i don't mind

even if we're not in the here and now

don't let me pass you by 

and so i'll wait 

blink

usually not at a loss for words
as i am now
no way to describe the flow
of feelings and emotions

like an earthquake
life moved me
shook me up and down
swayed everything i ever knew

and the land falls
and the water rises
and now i find myself
breathing underwater in anoxic water

hands waving above water
waving for a hand, a help, anything
but everyone around
blinked

ripples

fingertips brushing along the surface
of a cool and clear stream
watch as the ripples spread far away
with just one touch

paused for a moment this morning
for the first time standing
hands open, mind open, everything open
free from the words trapped inside

but freedom is nothing without you

know

i can run my life
chase the dreams
i can walk alone
write my own words

and i will hope
and i will worry
and i will struggle

but it's in the moments
in the days
in the words we say
and the words unspoken

some days
i wake up
and just know

home

taking a walk down cobblestone roads
the chill in the air brushes my cheeks
and i look to the sky
grey, but full of promises
hopes and dreams

coming back home
watching blue skies that stand contrast
to the worries i carry close to me
some days they pull me down to
a level i can't hold onto anymore

but i think of the good times
of the good things
of the good people
of you

because i can travel the world
thousands of miles
walk in someone else's shoes
but there's nothing like coming home

bricks

like a brick wall crumbling to pieces
my identity and the life i thought I had
fell apart all around me

one step forward, and three steps back
almost everything i ever thought i knew
shattered as the wheels hit the tarmac

left to pick up the pieces
but arms too tired to pick up the weight
wanting nothing more than to lay in the sun
and tape the paper pieces of my mind together again

because it's not my heart
but rather my mind
that's in trouble this time

fire and passion

asking questions that have no answers
using frameworks to find something, anything

turned around and found
my fire burning ran out of oxygen
and left me with a pile of ashes
like dust falling through my fingers

unsure of where to begin
if to begin again at all
a lost traveler with no destination
staring at the Departures board

searching for a ground to stand on again
for an ember to light the flames
for a destination and direction
even if i never get there

water fall

sat out in the sun today
minutes for the first time in a long time
feeling the heat bear down on my skin
and listened to the water fall

wanted to clear my head
clear the dust from this past week
prepared for a new one
no way to be but completely alert

but all i could do
was sit in the sun
watch the water fall
and miss you

cold air

it's a pitch black night sky that envelopes me
and it's a hard concrete that hits my soles
i know when i wake tomorrow
my legs won't be able to carry my weight
but then cold air fills up my heartfelt lungs
and horses run through my veins

running on 3 hours of sleep
literally, all day
but never feeling more alive or awake
than those minutes spent chasing after nothing
feet just passing time
and i know there's only one reason
why i'll wake up tomorrow
and feel this good kind of pain

rediscovered these from a while ago - poems on photos

one and two

investment banking is a sprint
public accounting a marathon
case competitions sink or swim
and academics a fight

hardwired to compete
like a hamster running in a wheel
always running the race
falling in and out of breath everyday

this morning i woke up and realized
not everything in life is a race
the beauty of dancing is just
one step up and two steps back
and on and on it goes

so forgive me and the limits i push
because i'm just learning how to breathe again

runner

too impatient for walking

always been a runner

chasing after humans and ghosts

after thoughts and emotions

after time and after you 

always been a hunter

never really pulled an arrow

too scared of the aftermath

the morning after the catch 

sometimes running so fast 

i lose my breath in the air 

heart stops in time

but i remember your smile

and your hands

and i make it through another day

because there is hope for tomorrow

and every day after that 

midnight lights

Another day gone by
and still the first thought and the last note
on my mind remains the same

looking for reasons to stay focused
terrified of waking up in the morning
and standing with an empty box in my hands

but love is patient
and love is kind
and love is little leaps of faith

i'm standing on the edge of a cliff
toes ready and willing to let go
trusting that when i fall
you'll be there to catch me

intensity

realized this morning
too often i build a barricade
unable to let in
unwilling to step out

holding so many at arm's length
and i wonder why
hating myself all the while for doing it
yet i can't make it leave

trying to figure myself out
sometimes i can barely breathe
so here i am wondering why
i'd do almost anything for those in my life
yet i keep that black box closed shut
for just about everyone

but for the first time
it's cracking and breaking into pieces
an intensity i can't describe
and i find it hard to breathe again

beam

I really don't have anything I can put into words
But the Weepies always say it best:::
"I Was Made for Sunny Days"

found the book you gave me
when we were first in bloom
when i thought that you might save me 
from the dark side of the moon
instead we both went walking 
to the shadows in the bloom
and we never did stop talking
and you still light up the room
i say

i was made for sunny days
i made do with grey
but i didn't stay
i was made for sunny days 
and i was made for you

be

not a day goes by

when you're not on my mind

in my thoughts

in the faces that pass me by

in the letters I write

in the songs I sing

be my muse

be the arms that keep me warm

be the sun after the storm

be the voice in my ears

be the one I lean on

too long I've been walking alone

on my own

Always been strong enough for myself

but for once I would consider falling

if you were there to catch me

neither

the sunny days are here again
and thoughts of you bring the smile to this face
and this heart again

but on the other side
you've torn me up and sideways
but i'm still in pieces about you

here i am, fork in the road
heart split up and down the middle
i take a look to my right
and to my left

so i back up and run away in neither direction
to tape and glue the pieces together on my own
again

sunny days

pearl white clouds 

drift across an almost cerulean sky 

and i close my eyes

and i think of you

so much of my life

spent running and chasing

after all the things i thought i wanted

all the obligations i ever had

to take one minute

breathe in and pause

i remember the happy memories i've made

and i'm suddenly hopeful

for the sunny days again 

searching

always prided myself on my strength
my resilience
but ever since that one fall day
i've been crumbling
from all of this

wanting nothing more than
to wrap myself
and only myself
in a cocoon
and on my own,
search for my happiness again

pieces

sunlight drifts through the curtains
and the rays cast a shadow on the wall
oh what a time it's been
filled with thoughts and memories
happy memories and sad interludes
weighted by the ones of you

now just a collection of broken pieces
shattered through the transit
and i'm held together
by glue and tape
and part of me wishes i could turn back time
and do it all over again

cold water

cold water of the Atlantic
rushing over my toes and around my ankles
staring out into the horizon
life on my mind
caught between the easy way
and the right way
torn between speaking and silence
these words need to fly out soon

because i hate to give up
but i can't repeat last fall this spring
waiting in line for 90 minutes
for a 2 minute thrill ride
was quite the story of my life
and i can count the good times on two hands
but not the tears that fell far and in between
so my toes dip into the coarse sand again

too often putting others' happiness before my own
the people pleaser
the unconditional helper
watching the water i realize
i've given up my own happiness

but no longer

dawn

end of another year, another life
each year, the lessons learned
become a longer list

this year i learned
that nothing is black and white
and life is lived in shades of grey
that emotions sometimes just need to be cried out
and only the true friends hold you
that love is a present
but it comes not without heartbreak
that the tears last night
are only for a better morning
that the dreams of yesterday
are only for a better tomorrow
that the hands i held once
are only meant to be let go
that knowing the right thing to do
and doing the right thing are two completely different things
that hand prints on my skin
leave bruises on my heart
that those same bruises eventually heal
and my resilience only makes me stronger
that i am a better person because of you
and i have no regrets

that the happy ending is sometimes just
letting it all go

the snow and the skin

you are the skin
and i am the snow
my heart a collection of frozen parts
snowflakes that fall
parts that you have chipped away

and they fly and fall with the wind
small and intact
hardened with resolve
but when they land on your skin
they melt at your touch
all the resolve i ever had
gone at your fingertips again

oh

oh what a year is today
almost near a lifetime lived
in 360 days

spring began with the bitter cold
and mists of a 3am morning
found a white rabbit
and fell into a hole chasing him
day in and day out
only one on my mind

summer arrived with the heat
and the sun and promise of something
new, exciting, but not without pain
still i walk on in hopes of something good

as fast as it ever was
summer slid into fall
and my hair fell down as the winds blew
and so did the tears that came with the love

standing in the middle of winter now
and the edge of a new year
which way will the wind carry me
this time?

other side

August 23

heart full of optimism

organized and pretty notebooks

plain pages full of potential 

September 3

almost ready to break down

night after night of endlessness

in the library taking a toll

September 15

sitting, waiting, wishing

weeks of preparation and 16 hours

coming down to one glass prism 

I call a part of mine 

October 1

excitement usually a good thing

coinciding with responsibility

but only if it's worth it

November 9
wake up calls like cold water on my skin
because fairy tales don't exist
and never really have

December 15
standing on the other side
seeing shades of greys and pinks
life is only a balancing act
of wants and needs
desires and reality

and so i ask
when is enough, enough?

never

my heart is only a muscle

not made of steel or glass

contracts and expands with the wind

hurts and loves with time

if anything i've learned this year

is i can't control how it feels 

and some days it will contract and hurt

and other days it will expand and love

all i know is that things worth fighting for

i should never give up on 

defense

climbing up and up
to the top of the world
success
perhaps

but at what cost
of defending
everything you ever stand to lose

the higher you climb
the further you have to fall
and so the stronger you fight
to defend what's yours

the world can take it
too easily away

searching

turning over stones

like the folds in my brain

unraveling the yarns of a scarf

tied too tight around my neck

trying to find the reason

for everything 

old thoughts and perceptions

shattered like shards of glass

and i'm trying to figure this out
growing up, growing old
realizing everything that needs to get done
before the sunsets of another day

where does this leave me
empty handed
a big heart half empty

no one else

woke up this morning
head splitting
and heart beating
tossing and turning through the night
unable to sleep
unable to control
the physical stress of
a life that finally caught up to me

walking at half pace now
through water and a breeze
a dark sky lightened by rainclouds
cold, hungry, and a tired heart
i always knew this was the case
but never truly understood until now
no one else to take care of me
but me

weight

some days

the resolve to let go

is stronger than others 

but then a little bit

small part of you returns

and i fall back in again 

this cycle of take and give

is all too tiring 

chipping away slowly 

and the silence sits

like a weight on my chest

making it all too hard to breathe 

Patience
A curse and a virtue
Strength
To walk away is something I don't have
Love
A big heart that's now half empty
Run
But my feet won't touch the ground
Hope
Because that's what you give me
Little
How I feel when I think of this
Control
Something I lost when I met you
Waiting
All I seem to do these days
Tears
That have our names written on it
Sadness
Like a weight on my lungs

Come bring a smile to this heart again

心话

心中有苦
说不出
眼里有泪
哭不下

找不到我的一部分
心跑到那方向

跑来跑去
还是跑到你身旁
用远里不开

等这你给我及会
远以给你一切
可你的手
我抓不到
你的心
只给我一半

乐了

在我心中
不能没有你
但站冷风里
我乐了
要我等多久
告诉我
不是不愿意等
而是要等多久
跟这你
有笑有哭
但现在
哭比笑
伤心多呢
只想一睡
远走高飞

Scattered

Pictures and memories
Scattered all across the floor
Remnants of the good times
And I stare wistfully into
Once smiling faces

Questions I ask myself everyday
Replaying moments in my mind
Half trying to figure it out
And half of me too tired to care anymore

Of all the ones ever on my mind
Congratulations
Not for breaking everything
But just breaking down a part of me

Exhaustion comes in many forms
Physical mental emotional
And I'm just tired all over
So wake me up tomorrow
And show me what exactly it's come to

2AM

I had so much for you
Can't describe everything I would've given up
If only for your happiness

Consequences of caring too much
Worrying about you and I too often
Even big hearts have a breaking point

But you broke a part of me
Somewhere between the fall
Lost me in the silence of no words

So where does this leave us
Too many nights spent in tears over you
Do I let you play puppeteer
Or do the broken parts
Simply stop

battle

half of this heart
chasing all the things i want
from life
from you

half of this heart
not doing what i should
with my life
with you

always a battle between
what i want
and what i should

so when can i cross the line
so wants and shoulds become one

take it all

woke up this morning

thought about it last night

that anything less than everything 

is nothing

i'm a hunter and

i can't give anything less than 

everything

that's just who i am 

so just take it all 

i'm giving you everything for 

less than everything in return 

just know one day 

i'll wake up again and realize

that this is not enough 

and when that day comes

i'll have to save what's left

and walk away 

might be

this is the first time

everything new and exciting

it's you

some days i sleep

some days i cry

but most days this heart

smiles in spite of it all 

i can be patient

i can pace my attention

i can live my life 

i am stronger than this

might be the first time 

but for all the first times in the world

I'd rather it be this

than anything else out there

find

woke up this morning

and I couldn't find a part of me anymore

faces smiling but only a facade

i miss the way we were

how did i get here

and where do i go now

how do I find that little part of me

and how do i find you again

walls

the walls that enclose our lives
brick and concrete
and i'm starting to see
the beginning of a construction crew
laying the groundwork

how do I make them go away
didn't order for walls between
these two lives i call mine
waiting for a complete breakdown
so we can build something up again

head on the wall

so last night was the last time
last time i swear
the tears shed for a tornado
waiting to touch land from the skies

your words
"a wake up call"
and my thoughts
suddenly collide
because you're always the right one

so it's only time to wake up
from this dream i've been living
and hit my head on the wall
to wake me up from deep sleep

today is the new day
first day of the rest of my life
and walking on my own
well,
it's the only thing that matters now

falling apart

thought i had a grip
thought life was moving on
thought i was running
the right race

but the floor's been pulled
from beneath me and i'm left
floating, falling, plummeting

there's nothing for me to hold onto
except for myself
no one there to catch me
except the emptiness of a cold wind

i'm drowning under th water
burdened under this weight
i'm falling apart
and i don't know how to fix me

drowning

the morning sun appears
and eyes open, groggy
was last night only a dream

just the other day
i wanted off the train
a one way ticket to somewhere
anywhere than here

but i'm not strong enough
and i'm still a passenger on
this roller coaster we call our lives

and my head spins
heart racing and some days
i can't breathe because
these thoughts are drowning me

running

the world is a funny place
and life has a strange sense of humor
last spring all torn up
agony of falling without
someone to catch me

and now i'm still falling
and who will catch me
i don't know
the life i had, the one i knew
flew out the window as
did my sanity, my happiness

i ran all the way around the track
this time
running away from one to another
and finally meeting up with one again
how many laps do I have to go
until i'll just be done with it all?

home

So lost and long
From where I used to be
Only a year ago
Young and running in
A direction I'm not in now

When did life change
When did I take this turn
The moment when
Priorities shuffled around
And the ones I loved
Left them at home

Today finally went back
For just a short visit
Long overdue
But it feels like home again