present tense

never had to walk this line before

between protecting myself

and destroying ourselves

caught between being happy in the present

worried about the future

and haunted by what was before 

so hold my tongue 

and calm my soul 

erase the words I used to know

clarity

clarity shines through in a moment

of sun rays and dust 

watching the world through rose-colored lenses again 

blurring the lines of wrong and right

never settling for less than everything 

would it be harder to push away now

or harder to let go later?

is the present worth the future

and everything it will not hold? 

gray

stop and go
right and wrong
no room for error or for gray

but what happens
when gray is all there is
and a heart that says yes
but a mind that says no?

mute

open eyes

but there's no sight

open mouth

but there's no words

open lungs

but there's no oxygen

actions and reactions

cause and effect

vocal cords 

now a phantom limb 

melt

stories and words carved in ice
flying shards of cold water
only to melt at the slightest touch
and the words melted as slow
as once were carved

ba da ba da ba da ba ba
open arms and closed eyes
feel a fire burning
brighter than sunshine
heat melting ice to nothingness

reckless

rose petals soft to the touch
fragrant red and vibrant perfume
where have you gone again
gone for the day or gone forever

all that's left are thorns and bee stings
the small things that hurt the most
no u-turns on this one way street
nowhere to go but on

so drive fast and reckless
anything to feel something
other than the nothingness
that was left behind

left to hold

coral and purple scarf
bracelets of yellow and blue
wearing the memories of a good thing

but i slip through slim fingers
with nothing left to hold
and just a picture in my mind

this time

set fire

go 90 in a 65 zone
red taillights against a black sky
guitar solos and a steady beat
matching a pulse

not much heart left in me tonight
carved it out
set it on fire
and watched it burn

like a bad John Mayer song
living lies in a burning room
keep the good
and throw the rest

book-tax temporary differences
and everything meaningful in life
all just a matter of one thing



timing

anything

"anything other than yes is no
anything other than stay is go
anything other than i love you is lying"*

but life is cruel
never black and white
middle grounds torn apart
a cold wind and dry eyes
and it's
everything i never wanted

*john mayer

mirrors

easy to throw a mirror to the ground
harder to pick up the shattered pieces
easy to write love letters
harder to tear them apart

remembering a taste, a touch
halo effect of everything that had been
close my windows to the world
and let the rain wash me away

remembering a look, those eyes
but never stopped gazing over the gate
carve out a hole, fill it with those pieces
jump into the deep blue but i don't swim

remembering all the endings
and missing the way they did
the further the road traveled
the more in the rearview to miss

fire

a ring of fire enveloped me today
blood bubbled within
rising and rising until

bubbled over and out
drops that rolled down the hill
burning cold on my skin

born to play with fire
but it ends up the same
something, someone ends up in flames

sails

water rushes past metal sheets
stare out to the horizon line
past the trees and the mountains
looking up to the sky of white on blue

listened to songs I once loved for the voices
but today I felt the words
with a boat to sail away on
and a plane to fly away on

distance to travel unknown
patience for peace ever elusive
if had jumped overboard into the deep blue
no one would have blinked

until too late

price

sleepless nights and a bottle of tears
the price you pay for playing with fire

struggling constantly to find oxygen
reasons and excuses that become truths

but the beauty of this burning
keeps me mesmerized from the start

and I keep on pushing the limits of my soul
and the corners of my heart for this

?

"happy is the heart that still feels pain"

I've never known truer words than those
what is life without contrast?
to define pleasure, we must hurt
to define good, there must be a bad

love shouldn't be a battlefield
but oh some days it feels like it
torn between the right thing
and the easy thing
torn between what you need
and what you want
torn between holding on for dear life
and walking away for the greater good

always been about fight or flight
flying was always the easy way out
but choosing between what is easy
and what should be?

...the questions with no answers

scattered notes

One, two, three
Paper boxes that hold bits and pieces
Compartmentalizing my life
Just like I do all the time
Keeping life in near square boxes
But when all I want to do is keep one big box
To hold everyone and everything together
Mess me up a little
Tear down the walls a little

Unwrap the sheets around your thoughts
Don't give me a reason, an excuse
Feels like I'm on that roller coaster again
Not just someone to hold
But someone to hold for
Weights on your shoulders
Doesn't have to be all yours alone
Not asking for the caring, only for the sharing

searching

Waiting for redemption
Struggling to escape the past that haunts me
Unsure of what I did wrong all those times
Or was it just the choices I make?

Wishing I was a little bit braver
A little bit stronger
Anything so that this beating
Heart can stop hurting

It's a tearstained keyboard
And I could try to talk myself into sanity
But I know me too well
To be able to live a lie

the old songs

photographs and memories
pictures of those i love and those i miss
but nothing takes me back
like the tune of a familiar song

close my eyes and i can see
young girl of fourteen
listening to the words they sing
trying to imagine the love and
the heartache from every guitar string

years later on
close my eyes and i can feel
every feeling i felt
the longing from the song of a foreign tongue 
the bliss of a carefree and optimistic voice
the heartache from a melancholy guitar solo

every minute a memory
forever etched in the folds of my brain
carved into a soft heart of glass

fools

roads are long and so foggy I can't see
where am I headed? where are we going?
living from the day to day wondering about tomorrow
and everything under the sun

so come walk with me for just a little bit
show me that today is a good day
sing a song we both remember
and just take all that i have

heartaches that pulled apart the ribcage
naked red beating hearts fragile in our hands
scared to the end of time but waiting for just one moment 
oh aren't we all just fools in love?

dreamers and believers

The dreamer and the believer
Walked hand in hand
Sandy beaches and concrete roads
The dreamer paused and looked around
Saw the idealized life
Made up beauty through rose colored glasses
But the believer saw too much
From its own travels of the past
only saw the skeletons of an idealistic time

Together the dreamer and the believer walked on
Each striving to take the lead on the dance floor
called life

intertwined

pitch black skies and a chilly breeze
dances across my face and my toes
fighting to take just one step forward at a time

learning that it's the steps that matter
more than where I find a home
though wanting nothing more than the comfort of the indoor

where do you begin
when the life you thought you had shatters to the ground
actions and inactions intertwined

simply trying to understand the world
a broken rib cage enveloping a patient heart
just watching the world turn through heavy lidded eyes once again

everything I've ever learned in this life so far
seems like penguins and polar bears
are really just the same after all

fingertips

pictures are memories
memories only take you so far
but this shouldn't be a memory for me
it should be every day

because if you wanted to
you would
and when I see nothing at all
the absences are paper cuts on my fingertips 

vibrant

sunlight and white clouds
the vibrant blue of a post-storm sky
crisp air drifts down into my lungs
and the wind blows
as i turn my head and see my footprints in the sand
can barely see where i started
but everything feels like yesterday
every minute and moment of the past 460 days
etched in my mind
and carved in my heart

and i move to the beat of a new song
to let the notes and the words
trickle down from head to toe

crimson mistake

watch the motions in the mirror
glances over a shoulder and eyes half open
where has she gone?
the necklace that she wears
a reminder everyday of the burden she bears

was it just a crimson mistake from the beginning
hands empty from the thieves that steal
voices hoarse and a tearstained face
the road from then to here
and still  no closer no further than she was

oh so many evenings ago

nothing more

love nothing more
than singing at the top of my lungs
embracing the words that come out
feeling the music down to my toes

love nothing more
than sitting in the sun on a grassy hill
watching airplanes fly across a blue sky
breathing in a crisp air

love nothing more
than drinking up a mango smoothie
carving out a watermelon for summer
picking blueberries into a bucket of mine

love nothing more
than smiling at the thought of you
wondering what's on your mind
wishing you a million hopes and dreams

evermore

ever stand in someone else's presence
can barely breathe because there's no air
ever hold someone else's hands
and we're chasing something actually there

with you i'll wait
with you we can fly
even if we're not in the here and now
just don't let it pass it by
with you i'll wait

ever wanted to give up on someone
broken down and tired
ever thought of walking away
just to end the tears and the hurt

with you i'll wait
with you i don't mind
even if we're not in the here and now
don't let me pass you by

days feel like a lifetime
but like the light at the end of the tunnel
that's where we'll keep running to

with you i'll wait

with you i don't mind

even if we're not in the here and now

don't let me pass you by 

and so i'll wait 

blink

usually not at a loss for words
as i am now
no way to describe the flow
of feelings and emotions

like an earthquake
life moved me
shook me up and down
swayed everything i ever knew

and the land falls
and the water rises
and now i find myself
breathing underwater in anoxic water

hands waving above water
waving for a hand, a help, anything
but everyone around
blinked

ripples

fingertips brushing along the surface
of a cool and clear stream
watch as the ripples spread far away
with just one touch

paused for a moment this morning
for the first time standing
hands open, mind open, everything open
free from the words trapped inside

but freedom is nothing without you

know

i can run my life
chase the dreams
i can walk alone
write my own words

and i will hope
and i will worry
and i will struggle

but it's in the moments
in the days
in the words we say
and the words unspoken

some days
i wake up
and just know

home

taking a walk down cobblestone roads
the chill in the air brushes my cheeks
and i look to the sky
grey, but full of promises
hopes and dreams

coming back home
watching blue skies that stand contrast
to the worries i carry close to me
some days they pull me down to
a level i can't hold onto anymore

but i think of the good times
of the good things
of the good people
of you

because i can travel the world
thousands of miles
walk in someone else's shoes
but there's nothing like coming home

bricks

like a brick wall crumbling to pieces
my identity and the life i thought I had
fell apart all around me

one step forward, and three steps back
almost everything i ever thought i knew
shattered as the wheels hit the tarmac

left to pick up the pieces
but arms too tired to pick up the weight
wanting nothing more than to lay in the sun
and tape the paper pieces of my mind together again

because it's not my heart
but rather my mind
that's in trouble this time

fire and passion

asking questions that have no answers
using frameworks to find something, anything

turned around and found
my fire burning ran out of oxygen
and left me with a pile of ashes
like dust falling through my fingers

unsure of where to begin
if to begin again at all
a lost traveler with no destination
staring at the Departures board

searching for a ground to stand on again
for an ember to light the flames
for a destination and direction
even if i never get there

water fall

sat out in the sun today
minutes for the first time in a long time
feeling the heat bear down on my skin
and listened to the water fall

wanted to clear my head
clear the dust from this past week
prepared for a new one
no way to be but completely alert

but all i could do
was sit in the sun
watch the water fall
and miss you

cold air

it's a pitch black night sky that envelopes me
and it's a hard concrete that hits my soles
i know when i wake tomorrow
my legs won't be able to carry my weight
but then cold air fills up my heartfelt lungs
and horses run through my veins

running on 3 hours of sleep
literally, all day
but never feeling more alive or awake
than those minutes spent chasing after nothing
feet just passing time
and i know there's only one reason
why i'll wake up tomorrow
and feel this good kind of pain

rediscovered these from a while ago - poems on photos

one and two

investment banking is a sprint
public accounting a marathon
case competitions sink or swim
and academics a fight

hardwired to compete
like a hamster running in a wheel
always running the race
falling in and out of breath everyday

this morning i woke up and realized
not everything in life is a race
the beauty of dancing is just
one step up and two steps back
and on and on it goes

so forgive me and the limits i push
because i'm just learning how to breathe again

runner

too impatient for walking

always been a runner

chasing after humans and ghosts

after thoughts and emotions

after time and after you 

always been a hunter

never really pulled an arrow

too scared of the aftermath

the morning after the catch 

sometimes running so fast 

i lose my breath in the air 

heart stops in time

but i remember your smile

and your hands

and i make it through another day

because there is hope for tomorrow

and every day after that 

midnight lights

Another day gone by
and still the first thought and the last note
on my mind remains the same

looking for reasons to stay focused
terrified of waking up in the morning
and standing with an empty box in my hands

but love is patient
and love is kind
and love is little leaps of faith

i'm standing on the edge of a cliff
toes ready and willing to let go
trusting that when i fall
you'll be there to catch me

intensity

realized this morning
too often i build a barricade
unable to let in
unwilling to step out

holding so many at arm's length
and i wonder why
hating myself all the while for doing it
yet i can't make it leave

trying to figure myself out
sometimes i can barely breathe
so here i am wondering why
i'd do almost anything for those in my life
yet i keep that black box closed shut
for just about everyone

but for the first time
it's cracking and breaking into pieces
an intensity i can't describe
and i find it hard to breathe again

beam

I really don't have anything I can put into words
But the Weepies always say it best:::
"I Was Made for Sunny Days"

found the book you gave me
when we were first in bloom
when i thought that you might save me 
from the dark side of the moon
instead we both went walking 
to the shadows in the bloom
and we never did stop talking
and you still light up the room
i say

i was made for sunny days
i made do with grey
but i didn't stay
i was made for sunny days 
and i was made for you

be

not a day goes by

when you're not on my mind

in my thoughts

in the faces that pass me by

in the letters I write

in the songs I sing

be my muse

be the arms that keep me warm

be the sun after the storm

be the voice in my ears

be the one I lean on

too long I've been walking alone

on my own

Always been strong enough for myself

but for once I would consider falling

if you were there to catch me

neither

the sunny days are here again
and thoughts of you bring the smile to this face
and this heart again

but on the other side
you've torn me up and sideways
but i'm still in pieces about you

here i am, fork in the road
heart split up and down the middle
i take a look to my right
and to my left

so i back up and run away in neither direction
to tape and glue the pieces together on my own
again

sunny days

pearl white clouds 

drift across an almost cerulean sky 

and i close my eyes

and i think of you

so much of my life

spent running and chasing

after all the things i thought i wanted

all the obligations i ever had

to take one minute

breathe in and pause

i remember the happy memories i've made

and i'm suddenly hopeful

for the sunny days again 

searching

always prided myself on my strength
my resilience
but ever since that one fall day
i've been crumbling
from all of this

wanting nothing more than
to wrap myself
and only myself
in a cocoon
and on my own,
search for my happiness again

pieces

sunlight drifts through the curtains
and the rays cast a shadow on the wall
oh what a time it's been
filled with thoughts and memories
happy memories and sad interludes
weighted by the ones of you

now just a collection of broken pieces
shattered through the transit
and i'm held together
by glue and tape
and part of me wishes i could turn back time
and do it all over again

cold water

cold water of the Atlantic
rushing over my toes and around my ankles
staring out into the horizon
life on my mind
caught between the easy way
and the right way
torn between speaking and silence
these words need to fly out soon

because i hate to give up
but i can't repeat last fall this spring
waiting in line for 90 minutes
for a 2 minute thrill ride
was quite the story of my life
and i can count the good times on two hands
but not the tears that fell far and in between
so my toes dip into the coarse sand again

too often putting others' happiness before my own
the people pleaser
the unconditional helper
watching the water i realize
i've given up my own happiness

but no longer

dawn

end of another year, another life
each year, the lessons learned
become a longer list

this year i learned
that nothing is black and white
and life is lived in shades of grey
that emotions sometimes just need to be cried out
and only the true friends hold you
that love is a present
but it comes not without heartbreak
that the tears last night
are only for a better morning
that the dreams of yesterday
are only for a better tomorrow
that the hands i held once
are only meant to be let go
that knowing the right thing to do
and doing the right thing are two completely different things
that hand prints on my skin
leave bruises on my heart
that those same bruises eventually heal
and my resilience only makes me stronger
that i am a better person because of you
and i have no regrets

that the happy ending is sometimes just
letting it all go