Everyday, I realize I'm losing.
Time
Sleep
Happiness
Meaning
Money
Life
Love
Grades
Ambition
Dreams
There are things to be happy about, I know. I laugh nearly everyday, I do.
But sometimes the textbooks weigh as heavy as my mind. And I wonder, what it is
exactly I'm winning...
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Why is that blue-toolbarred website so damn addicting?
The little icon of a house (Home), the "Home", "Profile", "Friends", "Inbox" links, the search bar, the profile picture, the Wall, the "Mutual Friends" box, "Info" "Boxes" and "Notes" tabs...WHY DO WE USE AND LOVE AND ABUSE IT?
I think I know why.
Facebook is the tool through which we get linked to people's lives. And a link from them to ours. People have a desire to be noticed, to be seen, to be heard.
People want witnesses to their lives. What a waste it would be to go unnoticed, unconnected, unheard from. And because we as humans have gone too far past the stage where it was ok to have one, two, ten people as witnesses to our lives, Facebook gives us 457 more witnesses to our small, minuscule, uneventful lives. Facebook allows us to share pictures other people might not otherwise see, tag friends in notes they'd otherwise not read, and write "hellos" on walls of people who we'd otherwise never keep in touch with.
Everyone wants to be seen, to be noticed, to be liked, to be wanted.
Facebook feeds that need.
And that's why we use it - addictingly, obligingly, habitually, daily...
The little icon of a house (Home), the "Home", "Profile", "Friends", "Inbox" links, the search bar, the profile picture, the Wall, the "Mutual Friends" box, "Info" "Boxes" and "Notes" tabs...WHY DO WE USE AND LOVE AND ABUSE IT?
I think I know why.
Facebook is the tool through which we get linked to people's lives. And a link from them to ours. People have a desire to be noticed, to be seen, to be heard.
People want witnesses to their lives. What a waste it would be to go unnoticed, unconnected, unheard from. And because we as humans have gone too far past the stage where it was ok to have one, two, ten people as witnesses to our lives, Facebook gives us 457 more witnesses to our small, minuscule, uneventful lives. Facebook allows us to share pictures other people might not otherwise see, tag friends in notes they'd otherwise not read, and write "hellos" on walls of people who we'd otherwise never keep in touch with.
Everyone wants to be seen, to be noticed, to be liked, to be wanted.
Facebook feeds that need.
And that's why we use it - addictingly, obligingly, habitually, daily...
A Healthy Kind of Crazy
I'm motivated to blog a bit more often now, even though it seems as if all of a sudden so many activities are collapsing in on me.
I'm going to be blogging for my trip to Hong Kong, so I suppose it'd be useful for me to get back into the swing of things. If I think about it, I really do miss blogging. I haven't done it properly in ages.
These past few days, it seems as if my life was stuck between fun and function. Either I do the things I'm supposed to - studying, being diligent, going to activities that would further my involvement in school, etc - or I'm wanting to do the things I want to - playing, going to basketball games, overanalyzing my mind, etc. And because the rational being of me always puts responsibility first (I think it also has something to do with my inability to walk in a rain storm without an umbrella. I told myself I would do it. But I just...can't), I'm heading off to a case competition for an article that's due Wednesday instead of the basketball game at 4pm.
Forgoing fun for function - because the opportunity cost of fun is too high at this point.
Yet, all this hecticness and crazyness - I feel stressed, but I feel relieved at the same time.
I also think I'm becoming addicted to bread. I just finished half a loaf of chocolate + cherry bread I bought from the Trojan fresh market.
I'm going to be blogging for my trip to Hong Kong, so I suppose it'd be useful for me to get back into the swing of things. If I think about it, I really do miss blogging. I haven't done it properly in ages.
These past few days, it seems as if my life was stuck between fun and function. Either I do the things I'm supposed to - studying, being diligent, going to activities that would further my involvement in school, etc - or I'm wanting to do the things I want to - playing, going to basketball games, overanalyzing my mind, etc. And because the rational being of me always puts responsibility first (I think it also has something to do with my inability to walk in a rain storm without an umbrella. I told myself I would do it. But I just...can't), I'm heading off to a case competition for an article that's due Wednesday instead of the basketball game at 4pm.
Forgoing fun for function - because the opportunity cost of fun is too high at this point.
Yet, all this hecticness and crazyness - I feel stressed, but I feel relieved at the same time.
I also think I'm becoming addicted to bread. I just finished half a loaf of chocolate + cherry bread I bought from the Trojan fresh market.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Stats Study Session
I wouldn’t want to live on the 14th floor. If there’s a fire, you’re dead. Those stairs?
Take the elevator.
What if the fire surrounds the elevator?
You’ve got a couple of hours.
And when the oxygen runs out?
Then you’re fucked.
We’re on the 11th floor right now.
We ARE fucked.
How long does it take to die from a drug overdose?
What kind of drug?
I'd rather die from that than from burning to death.
The quickest way to die?
Getting shot in the head.
If it hits the brain stem, you're gone. No pain.
Well, maybe.
An out of body experience.
WE HAVE A MATH MIDTERM.
What would you do if you knew you were going to die?
Like cancer or AIDs?
Or if someone told you, when you first became self aware, that you were going to die in exactly 8 years.
We don't know for sure when we'll die.
If we did, I would worry about it all the time.
But since we don't, you can't.
True.
You know what would suck even more? Alzheimers. Memory loss.
Like 50 First Dates? Can't make new memories?
That would be horrible. Well, not for the person, but for everyone else around that person.
Life is a collection of memories; without memories, we don't have life.
What is life without memories? Erase your memories, and your world disappears.
Can you remember when you were ever truly happy?
No.
When you were 3?
No, I don't remember.
That's probably when you were happy.
Once you're self aware, you realize the world is so crappy that there's nothing really to truly be happy about.
And when you think that you're happy?
An illusion.
I believe in reincarnation; in a previous life I was a poor person.
Why poor?
Now I'm up in middle class. Maybe next life I'll be richer.
Or life is like a matrix. Once you're dead, you exit from it.
Doesn't that contradict the reincarnation thing?
Yeah, but I'm just saying.
Tomorrow's test is death.
But really, in the larger scope of things, how important is that test? Not very.
In 50 years, are you going to say, hey why did I not get an A on that test? No.
1 million years, whats the world going to be like?
Death. Destruction.
5 million? If the world ends?
I see my grave exploding; obviously I wouldn't be around.
If earth collapsed, my grave would too.
And that would make our lives even more insignificant.
Like, what we do has no impact on how the world will ever be, if it all ends.
I think life is about making an impact on the people around you.
What's wrong with being mediocre? What if mediocre is what I want?
Seriously.
What if I told my parents "What if I want to be just like you?"
They'd *smack*
You know that movie, Revolutionary Road? I wanted to see it because it was about a struggle between mediocrity and greatness.
I think being mediocre is fine.
I hate chasing grades.
In high school, if I'd gotten a B, I would've cried.
I was like that in 9th grade too.
And last semester, I looked at my grades, and I didn't feel anything.
Me neither.
I didn't care anymore. I mean, I kind of did, but the result? It didn't make me cry.
I want to care. But somehow, I just can't.
A is average.
Did you see the youtube video?
No.
"A is average. B is bad. C is crap. D is death. F is fucked"
The grading scale for Asians.
Democracy is overrated. Look at the CA budget crisis. That one guy who voted no? Not because he cared for the state, but it would hurt his chance of reelection.
Bastard.
It's a mess.
You know how in China, its a communism government, but a lot of people in the middle class live in capitalism?
I don't think that would be too bad.
Democracy is great, and I'm sure we take a lot of it for granted, but...
Does the government really affect your day-to-day life, with the freedoms and all of that?
I mean, honestly if you lived a 9-5 job, being mediocre, is it really that bad to live in China?
You have pretty much the same luxuries from capitalism.
I'm not saying communism is all good, but there is a good side.
Sometimes I think it's easier to go through life without questioning things.
China owns 20% of the US.
We should move there when things here start accelerating downhill.
Yeah.
I stopped asking why, like for this math probability? I stopped asking why the equations were like this.
Exactly! Don't ask why, just ACCEPT THAT IT IS SO.
That's kind of like communism.
Is it?
Well, they tell you to accept things and to not question.
But I'm making a choice to accept it.
I'm pro-choice everything.
What's exactly the purpose of our lives right now?
I feel like everyday I get up and go to school to pursue something I don't even know if I want to pursue.
Just working towards something.
Means to an end.
What is the end? Isn't it just death?
We spend more than 20 years of our lives in school.
For what?
I'd rather be working right now.
At least you get paid to work.
We pay to go to school.
So we're working towards death.
That isn't the goal, but it is the end, which is kind of like a goal.
20 years.
1/5th if you live to 100
Less if not.
I don't want to live past a point where I can't do basic functions.
Like in a nursing home?
Yeah. I mean, I'm sure their kids love them and all that, but really? They are a burden.
Nursing homes make me sad.
All the seniors look so lonely and bored, and when their children come to see them, they get a little happier.
But when they leave, its back to salmon colored walls and Jello.
Makes me want to cry.
I don't want to be lonely like that.
I don't want to grow old.
But then you outlive all your friends and family, which I think is worse.
I don't want to die either.
But you don't tangibly remember death. As an event, you won't be able to "think" about it once it is done and relive it.
So there's nothing to be afraid of.
You might remember the process of dying though.
Knowing that you're going to die really soon, but not exactly when.
I wish I knew what my life will be like.
You know how when you go on wikipedia they tell you someone's life story?
So you want to Wikipedia yourself?
Yes. I did this at this age, that at that age, and etc.
I wish I knew too.
But what if what we found out was bad?
We wouldn't want to live, but had to.
Or you could make choices leading away from the bad things.
What if it was predestined that those bad things would happen?
What if you knew but couldn't change it?
The beauty of not knowing means the beauty of not worrying.
If I knew I was going to die, I would do a lot of things that I'm not right now.
Too bounded by responsibility.
What makes you get up in the morning?
Fear of disappointing others.
I hated that how sometimes teachers would say "you're going to do great things!"
And I was scared that I would disappoint them.
What's wrong with being content with mediocre?
What does contentment even mean?
Are we ever content? or happy?
Take the elevator.
What if the fire surrounds the elevator?
You’ve got a couple of hours.
And when the oxygen runs out?
Then you’re fucked.
We’re on the 11th floor right now.
We ARE fucked.
How long does it take to die from a drug overdose?
What kind of drug?
I'd rather die from that than from burning to death.
The quickest way to die?
Getting shot in the head.
If it hits the brain stem, you're gone. No pain.
Well, maybe.
An out of body experience.
WE HAVE A MATH MIDTERM.
What would you do if you knew you were going to die?
Like cancer or AIDs?
Or if someone told you, when you first became self aware, that you were going to die in exactly 8 years.
We don't know for sure when we'll die.
If we did, I would worry about it all the time.
But since we don't, you can't.
True.
You know what would suck even more? Alzheimers. Memory loss.
Like 50 First Dates? Can't make new memories?
That would be horrible. Well, not for the person, but for everyone else around that person.
Life is a collection of memories; without memories, we don't have life.
What is life without memories? Erase your memories, and your world disappears.
Can you remember when you were ever truly happy?
No.
When you were 3?
No, I don't remember.
That's probably when you were happy.
Once you're self aware, you realize the world is so crappy that there's nothing really to truly be happy about.
And when you think that you're happy?
An illusion.
I believe in reincarnation; in a previous life I was a poor person.
Why poor?
Now I'm up in middle class. Maybe next life I'll be richer.
Or life is like a matrix. Once you're dead, you exit from it.
Doesn't that contradict the reincarnation thing?
Yeah, but I'm just saying.
Tomorrow's test is death.
But really, in the larger scope of things, how important is that test? Not very.
In 50 years, are you going to say, hey why did I not get an A on that test? No.
1 million years, whats the world going to be like?
Death. Destruction.
5 million? If the world ends?
I see my grave exploding; obviously I wouldn't be around.
If earth collapsed, my grave would too.
And that would make our lives even more insignificant.
Like, what we do has no impact on how the world will ever be, if it all ends.
I think life is about making an impact on the people around you.
What's wrong with being mediocre? What if mediocre is what I want?
Seriously.
What if I told my parents "What if I want to be just like you?"
They'd *smack*
You know that movie, Revolutionary Road? I wanted to see it because it was about a struggle between mediocrity and greatness.
I think being mediocre is fine.
I hate chasing grades.
In high school, if I'd gotten a B, I would've cried.
I was like that in 9th grade too.
And last semester, I looked at my grades, and I didn't feel anything.
Me neither.
I didn't care anymore. I mean, I kind of did, but the result? It didn't make me cry.
I want to care. But somehow, I just can't.
A is average.
Did you see the youtube video?
No.
"A is average. B is bad. C is crap. D is death. F is fucked"
The grading scale for Asians.
Democracy is overrated. Look at the CA budget crisis. That one guy who voted no? Not because he cared for the state, but it would hurt his chance of reelection.
Bastard.
It's a mess.
You know how in China, its a communism government, but a lot of people in the middle class live in capitalism?
I don't think that would be too bad.
Democracy is great, and I'm sure we take a lot of it for granted, but...
Does the government really affect your day-to-day life, with the freedoms and all of that?
I mean, honestly if you lived a 9-5 job, being mediocre, is it really that bad to live in China?
You have pretty much the same luxuries from capitalism.
I'm not saying communism is all good, but there is a good side.
Sometimes I think it's easier to go through life without questioning things.
China owns 20% of the US.
We should move there when things here start accelerating downhill.
Yeah.
I stopped asking why, like for this math probability? I stopped asking why the equations were like this.
Exactly! Don't ask why, just ACCEPT THAT IT IS SO.
That's kind of like communism.
Is it?
Well, they tell you to accept things and to not question.
But I'm making a choice to accept it.
I'm pro-choice everything.
What's exactly the purpose of our lives right now?
I feel like everyday I get up and go to school to pursue something I don't even know if I want to pursue.
Just working towards something.
Means to an end.
What is the end? Isn't it just death?
We spend more than 20 years of our lives in school.
For what?
I'd rather be working right now.
At least you get paid to work.
We pay to go to school.
So we're working towards death.
That isn't the goal, but it is the end, which is kind of like a goal.
20 years.
1/5th if you live to 100
Less if not.
I don't want to live past a point where I can't do basic functions.
Like in a nursing home?
Yeah. I mean, I'm sure their kids love them and all that, but really? They are a burden.
Nursing homes make me sad.
All the seniors look so lonely and bored, and when their children come to see them, they get a little happier.
But when they leave, its back to salmon colored walls and Jello.
Makes me want to cry.
I don't want to be lonely like that.
I don't want to grow old.
But then you outlive all your friends and family, which I think is worse.
I don't want to die either.
But you don't tangibly remember death. As an event, you won't be able to "think" about it once it is done and relive it.
So there's nothing to be afraid of.
You might remember the process of dying though.
Knowing that you're going to die really soon, but not exactly when.
I wish I knew what my life will be like.
You know how when you go on wikipedia they tell you someone's life story?
So you want to Wikipedia yourself?
Yes. I did this at this age, that at that age, and etc.
I wish I knew too.
But what if what we found out was bad?
We wouldn't want to live, but had to.
Or you could make choices leading away from the bad things.
What if it was predestined that those bad things would happen?
What if you knew but couldn't change it?
The beauty of not knowing means the beauty of not worrying.
If I knew I was going to die, I would do a lot of things that I'm not right now.
Too bounded by responsibility.
What makes you get up in the morning?
Fear of disappointing others.
I hated that how sometimes teachers would say "you're going to do great things!"
And I was scared that I would disappoint them.
What's wrong with being content with mediocre?
What does contentment even mean?
Are we ever content? or happy?
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