At college and it feels nice.
The biggest perk is the freedom. Freedom to do whatever I want whenever, to make my own decisions, and to not be responsible to anybody else except myself. I can stay up late, get up early, make tea or not, walk to dining halls for food or not, study or not, listen to music or not. Time is now only mine, no one else's, and I decide what I want to spend it on or who I want to spend it with.
College is big, different, a little intimidating (I liken it to being a small fish in a big pond). It seems to me to be a lonely place, lonely souls seeking to meet other lonely souls through clubs, organizations, fraternities, and sororities. Time is longer. Classes are larger, different, clock-less, but more flexible.
The internet is a curse and a blessing. Now that I have all the time in a day to be online. Of course, that's time well spent somewhere else, like on a paper due in a few days...
Do I miss home? Sure. It's nice to come home. But if I didn't come home so often?
I think I'd survive just as well.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Summer is leaving me
empty minded this year. It's the 23nd of July, which means I have LESS THAN a MONTH before I move out of my old life. Or move into my new one. Depending on how you look at it.
Time is ticking away, slipping through my fingers, and like all summers, I'm trying desperately to catch air with my bare hands. But this summer is different. It's the end of my childhood (which, contrary to belief, did NOT end on my 18th birthday). It's the REAL end to high school, and I think that the end of this summer deserves more tears than graduation.
I suppose the key word that sums up my attitude/mood/sadness would be apprehension. This is the feeling that never settled in because I always had so much going on. Before graduation, I was like everyone else: "Yes! We're graduating! Leaving high school! Forever!" And then graduation came. Fireworks, speeches, diplomas. Then graduation pictures and hanging out with friends. And suddenly it seemed as if my time was cut short when I left for USC orientation, and HK/Thailand immediately after that. Upon returning, time seems to have stretched and shrunk at the same time. I can't believe it's only been a week since I got back, yet it seems like I have so little time left. To be caught on this bridge empty minded is a weird feeling. For the first time (in my life) I feel caught off guard, unprepared, ill-equipped. It's hard to describe this feeling, which seems to have been compounded by the number of chick flicks I've ingested over the past few days.
Yesterday I watched Elizabethtown with Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst and Emma, an A&E rendition of Jane Austen's novel. Both movies didn't have that happy, feel-good mood to them. The first one reminded me strongly of Garden State, which was an excellent movie, but this one left me somewhat sad and depressed. And Emma, as a classic romance novel/movie, it also left me feeling strange. Maybe it was the whole apprehension for college thing, or maybe it was the ticking time, but those movies didn't leave me optimistic and hopeful at all (even though they should have). Still, watching these chick flicks made me come to a conclusion that love isn't always at first sight, or physical attraction, or any of those things that Hollywood comes up with. And then the murky area of love vs. in love with someone. Where does the line appear? Is there even a difference between the two? Can it be one or the other, but not both? I always thought I wouldn't be the person to settle for ordinary when there was extraordinary out there (as per "This is the Last Time" by Keane), but I've come to realize that maybe extraordinary grows from something ordinary. Once passion falls apart or gives into the daily pressure of actually living with another person, I think that companionship and respect and caring makes love into what it is. The definition of love is such a murky and gray area that I'm getting so many different definitions from different sources, and not knowing the what it means or what it should mean bothers me much...
Time is ticking away, slipping through my fingers, and like all summers, I'm trying desperately to catch air with my bare hands. But this summer is different. It's the end of my childhood (which, contrary to belief, did NOT end on my 18th birthday). It's the REAL end to high school, and I think that the end of this summer deserves more tears than graduation.
I suppose the key word that sums up my attitude/mood/sadness would be apprehension. This is the feeling that never settled in because I always had so much going on. Before graduation, I was like everyone else: "Yes! We're graduating! Leaving high school! Forever!" And then graduation came. Fireworks, speeches, diplomas. Then graduation pictures and hanging out with friends. And suddenly it seemed as if my time was cut short when I left for USC orientation, and HK/Thailand immediately after that. Upon returning, time seems to have stretched and shrunk at the same time. I can't believe it's only been a week since I got back, yet it seems like I have so little time left. To be caught on this bridge empty minded is a weird feeling. For the first time (in my life) I feel caught off guard, unprepared, ill-equipped. It's hard to describe this feeling, which seems to have been compounded by the number of chick flicks I've ingested over the past few days.
Yesterday I watched Elizabethtown with Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst and Emma, an A&E rendition of Jane Austen's novel. Both movies didn't have that happy, feel-good mood to them. The first one reminded me strongly of Garden State, which was an excellent movie, but this one left me somewhat sad and depressed. And Emma, as a classic romance novel/movie, it also left me feeling strange. Maybe it was the whole apprehension for college thing, or maybe it was the ticking time, but those movies didn't leave me optimistic and hopeful at all (even though they should have). Still, watching these chick flicks made me come to a conclusion that love isn't always at first sight, or physical attraction, or any of those things that Hollywood comes up with. And then the murky area of love vs. in love with someone. Where does the line appear? Is there even a difference between the two? Can it be one or the other, but not both? I always thought I wouldn't be the person to settle for ordinary when there was extraordinary out there (as per "This is the Last Time" by Keane), but I've come to realize that maybe extraordinary grows from something ordinary. Once passion falls apart or gives into the daily pressure of actually living with another person, I think that companionship and respect and caring makes love into what it is. The definition of love is such a murky and gray area that I'm getting so many different definitions from different sources, and not knowing the what it means or what it should mean bothers me much...
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Where are the tears?
So, I think I've fallen in love again with writing on a blog even if it's only me that's reading this.
Today I got a twinge of tears for graduation, induced by a "great job" and a "thank you for meeting the deadline" on my speech. It's weird that that should be the trigger for tears (but it wasn't even really real tears, just a slight sniffle and a twinge of my nose). But I guess now it's starting to slowly dawn on me that I'm leaving. I'M LEAVING.
Last year, I started crying even if it wasn't my turn to leave. But this year, I feel strangely hollow and unemotional. When I think about graduation, I think of a ceremony and nothing more. When I think about signing yearbooks, I think of the entries, but not of the meaning that those are the LAST high school entries, ever! When I think about college, it's just this big thing, that's bigger than me or anything I could have ever encountered in high school, and it's just THERE.
I can't get myself all worked up, even though I probably should. It's abnormal to feel so hollow, so unfeeling, so empty.... but right now, with less than a week to go, graduation is just a date, just a night, just people in caps and gowns.
Today I got a twinge of tears for graduation, induced by a "great job" and a "thank you for meeting the deadline" on my speech. It's weird that that should be the trigger for tears (but it wasn't even really real tears, just a slight sniffle and a twinge of my nose). But I guess now it's starting to slowly dawn on me that I'm leaving. I'M LEAVING.
Last year, I started crying even if it wasn't my turn to leave. But this year, I feel strangely hollow and unemotional. When I think about graduation, I think of a ceremony and nothing more. When I think about signing yearbooks, I think of the entries, but not of the meaning that those are the LAST high school entries, ever! When I think about college, it's just this big thing, that's bigger than me or anything I could have ever encountered in high school, and it's just THERE.
I can't get myself all worked up, even though I probably should. It's abnormal to feel so hollow, so unfeeling, so empty.... but right now, with less than a week to go, graduation is just a date, just a night, just people in caps and gowns.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
Miss
I no longer have a dilemma of choices --- I chose what I think is fate for me and that's that.
Senior year is drawing to a close, and my high school career is over too. Ending the year on a very high note, a happy note, and a bit of a sad note. I'm going to miss all the fun, especially over the past year. I'm going to miss all the things that I can't put into words or online. I'm going to miss laughing and having fun, and I'm going to miss the stomachaches that come with laughing so hard. I'm going to miss taking random pictures and passing notes in class. I'm going to miss falling asleep to certain lectures. I'm going to miss the drama and the fun and the happy and the lonely and the tears and the music and the dancing and the film and the movies and the food and the coffee and the grades and the tests and the physics projects and the failures and the history tests.
I want fun in college and hard classes and new friends and winning football games and spirit games and concerts and new foods. Four years will go by so fast again, and I want things after that too. But maybe, for another day...
Senior year is drawing to a close, and my high school career is over too. Ending the year on a very high note, a happy note, and a bit of a sad note. I'm going to miss all the fun, especially over the past year. I'm going to miss all the things that I can't put into words or online. I'm going to miss laughing and having fun, and I'm going to miss the stomachaches that come with laughing so hard. I'm going to miss taking random pictures and passing notes in class. I'm going to miss falling asleep to certain lectures. I'm going to miss the drama and the fun and the happy and the lonely and the tears and the music and the dancing and the film and the movies and the food and the coffee and the grades and the tests and the physics projects and the failures and the history tests.
I want fun in college and hard classes and new friends and winning football games and spirit games and concerts and new foods. Four years will go by so fast again, and I want things after that too. But maybe, for another day...
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