the snow and the skin

you are the skin
and i am the snow
my heart a collection of frozen parts
snowflakes that fall
parts that you have chipped away

and they fly and fall with the wind
small and intact
hardened with resolve
but when they land on your skin
they melt at your touch
all the resolve i ever had
gone at your fingertips again

oh

oh what a year is today
almost near a lifetime lived
in 360 days

spring began with the bitter cold
and mists of a 3am morning
found a white rabbit
and fell into a hole chasing him
day in and day out
only one on my mind

summer arrived with the heat
and the sun and promise of something
new, exciting, but not without pain
still i walk on in hopes of something good

as fast as it ever was
summer slid into fall
and my hair fell down as the winds blew
and so did the tears that came with the love

standing in the middle of winter now
and the edge of a new year
which way will the wind carry me
this time?

other side

August 23

heart full of optimism

organized and pretty notebooks

plain pages full of potential 

September 3

almost ready to break down

night after night of endlessness

in the library taking a toll

September 15

sitting, waiting, wishing

weeks of preparation and 16 hours

coming down to one glass prism 

I call a part of mine 

October 1

excitement usually a good thing

coinciding with responsibility

but only if it's worth it

November 9
wake up calls like cold water on my skin
because fairy tales don't exist
and never really have

December 15
standing on the other side
seeing shades of greys and pinks
life is only a balancing act
of wants and needs
desires and reality

and so i ask
when is enough, enough?

never

my heart is only a muscle

not made of steel or glass

contracts and expands with the wind

hurts and loves with time

if anything i've learned this year

is i can't control how it feels 

and some days it will contract and hurt

and other days it will expand and love

all i know is that things worth fighting for

i should never give up on 

defense

climbing up and up
to the top of the world
success
perhaps

but at what cost
of defending
everything you ever stand to lose

the higher you climb
the further you have to fall
and so the stronger you fight
to defend what's yours

the world can take it
too easily away

searching

turning over stones

like the folds in my brain

unraveling the yarns of a scarf

tied too tight around my neck

trying to find the reason

for everything 

old thoughts and perceptions

shattered like shards of glass

and i'm trying to figure this out
growing up, growing old
realizing everything that needs to get done
before the sunsets of another day

where does this leave me
empty handed
a big heart half empty

no one else

woke up this morning
head splitting
and heart beating
tossing and turning through the night
unable to sleep
unable to control
the physical stress of
a life that finally caught up to me

walking at half pace now
through water and a breeze
a dark sky lightened by rainclouds
cold, hungry, and a tired heart
i always knew this was the case
but never truly understood until now
no one else to take care of me
but me

weight

some days

the resolve to let go

is stronger than others 

but then a little bit

small part of you returns

and i fall back in again 

this cycle of take and give

is all too tiring 

chipping away slowly 

and the silence sits

like a weight on my chest

making it all too hard to breathe