swim

in my head
my voice changes with the song
anthemic or heartfelt
sometimes i can feel my heart
contract because the lyrics are
too brutally honest about my life

i can hear the crisp guitar strings
and the ukulele tickle skin 
the deep beat of the drums
reverberating in my ears down to my throat
close my eyes
and feel them dance with each piano key


if this is what swimming in music feels like
i never want to get out of the water

feel

i know what i want to avoid
the stumbling
the rapid heart rate
the inability to move,
much less speak

currently on this path
to test the strengths of my weaknesses
how far do i need to go
until they break

a return to a simpler time
without worry or burden
is just running away from the
right direction of my life

filled with the desire to run
and jump past this feeling
skip this part of the road
take an easier detour off the beaten path

but then again
what is happiness without pain?


*thank you "it stops today" (colbie caillat)

good thing

lets call it a good thing
and stop here before
the road gets dangerous
will falling down the rabbit hole
really end in a wonderland?

what's the price of walking away
barely anything at all
a love that's too big
one can't carry for two

maybe one day
possible to move past this place
or back to this spot
and hope for a better thing

but for now
let's call this a good thing
and leave it be



*thank you "Sort Of" Ingrid Michaelson

battle

want want want
the heart has a laundry list
brash, impulsive
desiring for instant gratification
and nothing less

think think think
the mind as a gatekeeper
calm, rational
thinking of all contingencies
before moving an inch

it is the heart that wants
and the heart that hurts
and the heart that beats
but it is the mind that thinks
and the mind that feels
and the mind that dreams

think it well
feel it sink in
delayed gratification
isn't always as unwanted
as it seems

water

stuck here in the rain
in this drenched limbo
too dissuaded to move
droplets of this storm not strong enough
to wash it all away

the pang has lessened
not so much a hole as it is a crack
in this bulletproof glass heart of mine
only encasing the love that hides beneath
beating ever so constantly

day to day i look out the window
(not) thinking of you
yet not thinking of anyone else either
walking down this road
waiting, willing to get to the end
of this song we play over and over again

almost

sleepless nights, and i'm turning again
skimming the surface of a deep sleep
yet consciously aware of my body
its finally early morning
and for once i feel no fatigue
though last night seems to think i should

the cool crisp air attacks my lungs
as i move around the track
feeling alive
classes don't feel too bad
keeping busy with long afternoons
and endless evenings till the morning

slip into bed once again
when dawn is only 3 hours away
hoping for a deeper night's sleep
physiological reactions to this stress
take over almost everything
until with one breath
its all over

and this first week went by so slowly
yet so quickly at the same time
excessively productive
16 hours in the library and counting
in the midst of it all
i almost forget to think of you