empty minded this year. It's the 23nd of July, which means I have LESS THAN a MONTH before I move out of my old life. Or move into my new one. Depending on how you look at it.
Time is ticking away, slipping through my fingers, and like all summers, I'm trying desperately to catch air with my bare hands. But this summer is different. It's the end of my childhood (which, contrary to belief, did NOT end on my 18th birthday). It's the REAL end to high school, and I think that the end of this summer deserves more tears than graduation.
I suppose the key word that sums up my attitude/mood/sadness would be apprehension. This is the feeling that never settled in because I always had so much going on. Before graduation, I was like everyone else: "Yes! We're graduating! Leaving high school! Forever!" And then graduation came. Fireworks, speeches, diplomas. Then graduation pictures and hanging out with friends. And suddenly it seemed as if my time was cut short when I left for USC orientation, and HK/Thailand immediately after that. Upon returning, time seems to have stretched and shrunk at the same time. I can't believe it's only been a week since I got back, yet it seems like I have so little time left. To be caught on this bridge empty minded is a weird feeling. For the first time (in my life) I feel caught off guard, unprepared, ill-equipped. It's hard to describe this feeling, which seems to have been compounded by the number of chick flicks I've ingested over the past few days.
Yesterday I watched Elizabethtown with Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst and Emma, an A&E rendition of Jane Austen's novel. Both movies didn't have that happy, feel-good mood to them. The first one reminded me strongly of Garden State, which was an excellent movie, but this one left me somewhat sad and depressed. And Emma, as a classic romance novel/movie, it also left me feeling strange. Maybe it was the whole apprehension for college thing, or maybe it was the ticking time, but those movies didn't leave me optimistic and hopeful at all (even though they should have). Still, watching these chick flicks made me come to a conclusion that love isn't always at first sight, or physical attraction, or any of those things that Hollywood comes up with. And then the murky area of love vs. in love with someone. Where does the line appear? Is there even a difference between the two? Can it be one or the other, but not both? I always thought I wouldn't be the person to settle for ordinary when there was extraordinary out there (as per "This is the Last Time" by Keane), but I've come to realize that maybe extraordinary grows from something ordinary. Once passion falls apart or gives into the daily pressure of actually living with another person, I think that companionship and respect and caring makes love into what it is. The definition of love is such a murky and gray area that I'm getting so many different definitions from different sources, and not knowing the what it means or what it should mean bothers me much...
