beats

the sun and its 113 degrees
now a breezy chill
and large raindrops

like you and i
orbiting in different paths
everything i ever wanted
back then
i'm getting now

one of these days
our paths will cross again
maybe we'll be on the same beat
this time?

back

for once seems like i have my life back
with so many things
to be thankful for
those who shower love
and support
and those who've been
there from the start
freedom of time again

thought i finally ran free of you
running for another
towards another
but then you call again
and once again i'm dissolving
into a puddle at your feet

pleasantly painful

oh some days I wish it would stop
the agony of waiting
and all those times i fell
adding another bruise to my knees

but some days I know
I wouldn't give this up for anything
rather have this pleasantly painful
than feeling nothing at all

coffee shop

you don't know at all, do you
all that i would do for you
if only you looked down
and gave me a chance

actions speak louder than words
but i feel you can't hear me
what do i need to do
for you to open eyes and see

i'm not the kind of girl
who needs a boy to live
to be the reason for my everything
i can stand on my own two feet
and i can live well on my own
but you're the only one
who i want to take care of me

you are tall and strong
no signs of weakness in your facade
but when all the others fade away
i want to be the one you lean on

i'm not the kind of girl
who needs a boy to live
to be the reason for my everything
i can stand on my own two feet
and i can live well on my own
but you're the only one
who i want to take care of me

so don't turn away
don't give up before it begins
don't leave this hand empty
please

sleepless

always knew this would happen

the inevitable

a thick wall of concrete

impossible to break through

finally realizing the beauty of sleep

to close my eyes

and wish the world away

and leave the problems till daylight

late nights again

sleeplessness again

not only lost in your eyes

but I'm shivering from the cold 

past two weeks

feels like a year

the good times running 

and the bad times crawling 

nothing is forever

the moon wanes 

and beauty fades

flowers bloom and wilt

and the apples end up bruised 

nothing is forever

in this world, this life

nothing will remain the same

but when you call my name

i feel it 

that this love will be the closest

thing to forever 

never knowing what tomorrow

will bring or take from me

knowing at any moment

this all could disappear 

nothing is forever

in this world, this life

nothing will remain the same

but when you call my name

i feel it 

that this love will be the closest

thing to forever

can't guarantee i'll be there always

with you here or there 

but you'll always have a place to rest

in this heart of mine 

expectation

trying not to have any 

because it's only gotten in the way

given me pain and heartache 

wasting my time on waiting

and then something comes along

throws my resolve out the door

and here I go again

walking on the hot coals

for the feeling of hope

I won't fall back into the cycle 

of expectation and heartache again

right ones

seems to be a theme in my life
these past few months
falling hard for the ones I love
and blind to maybe those
I've passed along the way

always chasing after the wrong ones
running too fast to see
the right ones in from of me
and maybe I'm pushing away
one of the right ones

for most, I hold nothing back
give you all my love
all my efforts and all my heart
for few, I play this game
baiting to test how far you'll go

always chasing after the wrong ones

running too fast to see

the right ones in from of me

and maybe I'm pushing away

one of the right ones 

how do I stop this cycle
how do I break free
from chasing ghosts
to holding something real

lasts

something small
something sweet
almost forgot what it is like
for someone to smile
and make my heart
beat

But I turn around
and suddenly it's gone
everything good
rarely lasts
isn't that the way it goes

sunday

almost thought I had it all
there was an issue
but I was coping
there was a bruise
but I was healing

then you walk down the hall
and suddenly life
has run off at 100mph
I wish I could stop chasing
I wish life would chase me
for once

Don't give me your hand
don't make me follow you
don't make me fall
into another hole
don't plant emotions into my heart
because I've been down that path before

waves

waves crash against my heart
and suddenly
you are the sea
and I am the cliff
and you chip away at
the bits and pieces of who I am
the rocks that tumble
signs of my weakness when
it comes to you
I've given too much of
my heart away already
you haven't given me a reason
to stop loving you
but when the waves slow to a calm
I wonder how much
you really care

and I'll try to only
let you make my happiness
but I can't and I won't
let you take my happiness

enough

so the little things

nothing fancy

nothing special 

daily routines 

a little full cart 

jokes and laughs 

here and there

i don't need anything 

without hope or agenda

happiness is in the moment

and for now 

enough 

500 days

day 1

barely registered on my mind

you weren't the one i was looking for

day 34

fun moments, I'll give you that

but nothing breaks through the gates

surrounding another, and only that other 

day 68

fleeting thoughts run through my brain

not enough to make an impression

but certainly brought a smile to my face

day 127

suddenly you're everywhere, anywhere

the first and last one on my mind 

in the songs i hear and the pictures i see

wish i'd paid attention on the very first day

day 204

i try not to think about it

some days it works, most days it doesn't

no past, no future, just the present

days and a few more till life begins again 

not that i should count

but about 300 more days are on the pages

of this book of memories i keep 

fingerprints

every moment leaves you behind
photographs on my wall
memories in my mind
not deep enough to leave a bruise
but i feel it
not visible like a scar
but i see it
the gestures are small
but strong enough to sway

you leave fingerprints on my life

m
a four letter word that tears
into an already fragile soul
i shouldn't have started running again
so soon after the miles of a near past

i
still wish I could make it go away
leave me alone
when sometimes all i want
is for a little sign to bring a smile again

s
situation i didn't pick
emotions i didn't want
fell into my lap and
took over a corner of my mind

s
all a matter of time
of thoughts and supposes
knowing what i shouldn't want
but wanting it anyway

always more than what I should

time

the hour hand doesn't lie
because timing is all it is
like dough that won't rise for the oven
or the tartness of an unripe apricot
the wrong time overrides
everything else that's right
never getting what i want
and occasionally getting what i don't
though everything could be in place
the right timing always eludes

U-turn

routine is a funny thing
to be used to something
someone
jumping from ship to ship now
almost impossible to be on my own
funny how a gesture so small
meaningless, regardless
can cause a day to U-turn
driving down desolate
and up to the good times

this road was dangerous
from the last time I took it
just a little bit cautious
and a little bit wary
but the propogation
of these waves are too strong
pushing against my better judgment
to avoid the deep end of the pool
this time

care

wake up in the morning

and you come to mind

doesn't matter where i am

or where you are

sometimes I wonder

if i'll ever find

someone who cares just as much

if not more

than i do

sometimes i think

i care too much about

too many people

and in the end

will I end up empty handed

from giving too much

love away

17 weeks

it ended in a paper cut
on the surface of my mind
tears over what I wish
I could've done differently
even though I knew
there wasn't anything to change

first late nights and near all-nighters
the beginning of the adventure
didn't realize at the time
but it was here when
i found a home, a family
some place to call my own

i fell in love
with life for the first time
with sleepless nights 
with writing poems
with sitting in the sunlight
with singing, everywhere
with everyone around me
with you

these 17 weeks
gave me moments for a lifetime
but i'm still waiting
for a missing piece
and hoping to find it soon

drive

driven by the potential
all the possibilities
of you and i
we're not together
but you're always in my soul
like a magnet
you draw me in every minute
of every day
to hear your voice
and feel your presence
pains and saddens this
crazy heart of mine

people tell me to let go
and sometimes i know i should
but we've gone too far now
and i don't think i can ever
let your hands go
from mine

sleepless nights spent
in company with the most amazing
and talented people I've ever known
the home called Club Leavey
gray wall prisons that
don't keep track of time ticking away
until its 4AM
and you realize you're almost
on the other side of dawn
learning so much
smuggling food as an art form
in plain sight of library cops
calculating WACC and NPV
from numbers that just seem to appear
slightly OCD over PowerPoint slides
counting pixels and debating colors

camel milk was a legen-dairy idea
LBOs not so much
Nerd Corps could trump the Geek Squad
and Disney should open a factory of making Mileys

so this is where all the real players are
work hard
play harder
30 hours spent with
brilliant people
funny people
amazing people
late night dessert trips
pizza joints our favorite spots
if only i could have a semester's worth
of Friday afternoons

so this is what home feels like

space

hands grab desperately

at the air but i catch

nothing

the sun is out against

a bright blue sky

and i can't think anymore

where you used to be 

is now just empty space

abandoned real estate

until the next home comes along

i need to fill this space

with something

anything

because where you used to be

is a clean white slate

know

know that i lived this time
dipped my toes
into the deep of the pool
and fell in this mess

know that i loved you too
that you were always
on my mind
and in my thoughts

know that for a moment
you were the puppeteer
to this puppet heart
taking control

but today i start a new life
this chapter is over
and it's time to write a new song
and i thank you for
the moments we had

sing

anthemic guitars
and heart-pounding drums
are all i need
to feel the beat
pulsing through my veins

and all i want
is to find an open space
middle of a tall grass field
and fall to my knees
with the music around me

close my eyes
turn my head up to the sky
and sing until
this voice breaks with volume
and i can't breathe in anymore

a simple cathartic request
so easy to imagine
yet so hard to find

i would

i want to give you the time
and the space to figure
it all out

i would wait for you
if i knew you would wait
for me too

but i can't do this
i can't wait for something
i don't even know will ever be

i'm too scared to say the words
but i feel it when i see the little things
and everyone looks like you

tell me now
even a little sign
and i'll wait for you

but time moves on
and i have no choice
but to follow it because standing still
is not what i'm meant to do

surgery

i can feel it spreading
weeks ago
would've brought a warm feeling
to this soul

but now i just
need it to leave me be
overstayed its welcome
it's not a friend anymore

if only i could take a scalpel
and cut these memories
out of my mind
take an eraser
and undo all that i've been through
for you

wake up the next day
and maybe I'll be thankful
for all that I was given
and things will be sane again

UP

roses and chocolates
a life of wealth
a home of luxury
none of that is relevant
i realize

a simple life
full of caring love
building a life
with one person

what i would give
to sweep the floors
and paint the walls
and enjoy the sunshine rain
with you

a simple life
innocently lived
driving over speed bumps as they come
but i'd travel forever
if only with you

math

take the lyrics
add a guitar or two
subtract noise
multiply the bass
add the keys of a piano
and divide by the drum beats
add a violin or a cello for effect
multiplied by the strums of a ukulele

this equation can be simple
but you can take the derivative of the chorus
for the bridge
or write a new one completely
music as a painting
and melodies as paint brushes
but it's the mathematical properties
of this song
that make a perfect equation
for the ears to solve

duet

voices entwined
something simply beautiful
he sings
she replies

simple story
back to the basics
of his thoughts
and her love

looking for someone (you)
to complete this duet
because this melody
is even more beautiful
with two

little things

i don't say the words
too scared, too shy
but i feel them
with every fiber of being

i feel this
when you come to mind
when you appear

i feel this
when everyone looks like you
when you're on my side

i feel you
even for just a minute
fragile in your hugs

i feel this
uncertainty of everything
you do
and everything
i am

cry

people view it as only 
one dimensional
but crying is more than just sadness
or hurt
or pain

to create tearstains on my face
doesn't take much
but i don't cry out of sadness
or hurt
or pain

but rather
for the beauty of heartfelt writing
for heart-wrenching films, truth or fiction
for snapshots of life's miracles
for the experiences i hope to have
for the moments i wish to never end
for the burdens i wish sometimes weren't mine
and for the pure and simple
joy of living

tears don't fall only for the bad times
the good times deserve them too

closed

eyes closed

as i sit in the blue water

sift through grains of sand

the sea floor flowing through my fingers

eyes closed

sun is hot on my shoulders

lips are salty from the ocean 

and a breeze tickling my neck 

eyes closed

and I let the waves push 

and pull me 

without any effort of my own 

eyes closed

breathing in a light and crisp air

as the water runs over

and all around my skin 

eyes closed

heart beating still 

but I still can't

wash away those thoughts of you 

time machine

time machines are real
but only in our minds
close my eyes
and take me back to the moment
where I was happy
and life was simple


moments when you made me smile
when I didn't have to face 
the harsh reality of the next moments
without you in them 


moments of a happy heart
an unburdened mind
when simple things were only that
when stress didn't bring up my fears
and caffeine didn't make me shake


the ability to replay these moments
over and over the theater of my mind
bring a simultaneous joy and sadness
not because I've lived them
but because I'll never live them again 

walk

walking away from this

from you

before it falls apart completely

seems to be the most logical

I can't create you and me

all on my own

I can only be me

and the rest is up to you

feelings of powerlessness

so I give up

and I'll walk on, walk on

until I can find my strength again 

regrets

regret

things I wish I'd done

words I wish I'd spoken

emotions I wish I didn't feel 

regret

chances I wish I'd taken

hands I wish I hadn't held 

moments I wish would last forever

but time rolls on 

for a moment in the water

let the waves bring me in

and pull me out 

moving forward with time

but this retrograde ellipse motion

keeps me from moving on 

until I'm in caught in a cycle 

inability to escape  

stand

it's not the moments I wish I had
or the moments I wish I didn't
I only wish for one thing

for time to stand still
during the best moments of my life
and live them forever

is

love is you
love is seeing your smile
love is the tears that fall
love is the nervous butterflies
love is you in the corner of my eye
love is the upside down priorities
love is the moments we have
love is having your attention
love is watching you work
love is wanting the best for you
love is letting go
love is all this is

warm

sunlight warms my skin
as i wake up to a brand new day
how one week can change on a dime
this is finally my time

the little things
that lift my thoughts
hug my heart
and I stop in my tracks

easy to think about what I don't have
and forget about what I do
but each day passes in the same way
and i have a choice

need a daily reminder
to think of the good
it's not about finding my happiness
but creating it

go on

there's a silencer on my gun
muffling the sound
of the bullet of my words
but the shells don't hit the ground


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on
break my heart


like an ice pick
the thought of you
chips away at this iceberg
until I'm a melted pool


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on


You might drive on
and pass me by
but that's alright
that's okay
you could've had this all


go on, go on
break my heart
I never wanted anything more
than to be yours
so go on, go on
break my heart
break my heart
breakin' my heart everyday

box

today the realization arrived
a moment of sane clarity
this burden no longer as oppressive
as the water against my chest
in this pool of emotions i've been drowning in

hard to believe it's only been
a little over a month since
i jumped into the deep end
dying a little bit everyday
gasping for air through a straw

i put you in a box
a treasure chest
and dropped it in the deep end of the pool
braving waves and oxygen deprivation
to get to where you were

i realize now
the box was a mistake
shouldn't have been this way
can't get those weeks of my life back
but i've cut open the masking tape
and you're no longer in
this empty box in my hands

reboot

mind's been alternating
between sleep and hibernation
doesn't matter if i'm tired
information still being input
Word documents of text
and PowerPoint slides of equations
there's not enough RAM to keep up
need to get a bigger harddrive
for all the data to be stored in here
wish i could restart this mind
fresh start
or if i could shutdown
only for a little while
let this mind rest
and reboot again

dreamlike

can't remember the last time
when a dream was so vivid
so tangible
a relatively short 30 minutes
yet felt like forever in my mind

contentful restful sleep
didn't want to wake up
when reality is nothing like the
feelings in my head
frighteningly in your arms
and you in mine

the brain knows its not real
but it can't erase from my skin
the slightest hint of you

fairy tails

tail: \ˈtāl\:  : the blank space at the bottom of a page


singing and writing

songs of happiness love and 

fairy tale endings 

but they're only songs

where will i begin to find

the beginning 

to my happy ending

fairy tales spin webs 

and clutter reality 

prince charmings don't really exist

clearing out the corners

of this heart

and i sit here once again
waiting for an ending
any ending
to this story i've spun 

moments

like fingertips in the dark
i can't see where this road is going
bare toes gripping to the tightrope
trying to balance it all

all i have
are these snapshots of moments
little tiny minuscule things
replaying over and over
in the projector of my mind

moments of strength
when i decide to let go
when i want to give up
cut out
run away from it all

moments of weakness perhaps
when this heart wavers
because this soul knows
THIS is the road for me

unsure as ever
traveling in circles until
i get back to square 1
moments of bliss
and devastation envelope my soul

only searching for one more moment
one song
one melody
one word
to bring me to my knees

too often

too often have i stayed awake
time slips away like water in my bare hands
and i see the days change
one to another

too often of late
have i seen the other side of dawn
before the daylight
before the clarity
is the fog and the mist of the dark

too often have i stayed awake
for daily obligations unmet
like a cup of water on edge
time is splashing out all around me
and i'm unable to get it back

dim

lights dark and the music
sends vibrations through the walls
can't help but start moving with
voices and the beats
that envelope you and i

can't really see in the
dim and dark shadows of this circular room
but when you're in front of me
i don't dare to look in your eyes
just wanting to be in them only

in the daylight
in real life
was all that an illusion
were you and i simply
under the influence of
the music and the dim lights

waking up in the morning
confused as ever
i know what i felt
but do you?

don't

sitting here and waiting for
something, anything
i don't know anything anymore

you've got a grip on my happiness
like a puppeteer controlling the strings
so i'm begging you to please

don't leave me here like this
give me an answer
any sign
because waiting here in your hands
i don't know how much longer i can last

if only i knew where you stood
i could tell you where i stand
either we walk this together
or part ways now

i would rather know today
than find out much later
so please please let me find what i need
and make the choice
to cut or to run

Untitled #2

spoken from the mouth of a child
unable to imagine anything 
"Worse than the total agony of being in love?" 


sitting here
i feel the truth of those words
in every bone 
and every ventricle
of this heart that beats
steady slowly
quickly
for you 

smile

simple things

didn't know they could affect me

so much as they do 

whenever there's you 

tiny things

when you begin a conversation

when i see your eyes

look into mine as we talk 

minute details

your arm from a side hug

when i hold your interest 

because you always hold mine

my face is frozen into a grin

that i can't wipe off 

because it's you

for why my heart smiles 

dangerous

when i'm alone
this heart hardens
the realist steps in
warning me not to fall
fall all this distance
for something that might not even
be at the end of the road

but when little things happen
when your face reappears somewhere
somehow
this heart has hope
once again aflutter
hopeful
waiting

but at this point
is hope perhaps
the most dangerous thing of all?